I know the feeling of hanging on to every word and action from the WAS and turning it into a question or hope thet they will come back. I continue to do it sometimes but to a much much lesser degree. Words mean squat if they are not accompanied by actions. Lack of action for a prolonged period of time by a male is not a good sign (not sure about women). I have said this in the past and I believe it more and more every day. I shake my head at the similarities between WASs. Unfortunatelly, I agree with Jeff. The general theme in these parts is to be encouraging and supportive. We all need that at the beginning...maybe up to a year after the bomb. At some point we as LBSs need to move on...face reality. It is very difficult to do and sometimes we need some help. That is probably what your mom was trying to do a few days back. BBJ, we have been supporting each other for a long time. With recent events (K), perhaps it is time for me to take the same type of tone that your mom did.
*He cheated on me not once, or twice, but with three different women. (That I know of)
*He moved out of our house, left me, even when I forgave him for cheating
*He blames me for his not buying the farm, said it was the one time he needed my support and I didn't give it to him. Yet, how many things has he done that I disagree with? If he wanted it badly enough he would have gone and done it. Don't recall him needing my permission to carry on a 20 month affair...
*He left me, but wants to throw a pity party that he has no home and has a 'shitty' life. He admitted himself that every aspect of his life has gotten worse since he left me...of course he just turns it around and blames me
I know you (and some others here) are very religious. I am not sure your God would say to turn the other cheek forever. What I am trying to say is perhaps the praying should focus on teh almighty giving you and your kids the strength to move on. When I read your post above coupled with the pornography and strippers etc., not to mention that he has purchased his own home and is seeing a lawyer....BBJ, I say this with the outmost respect; you can and will do better and you deserve ALOT better.
Thanks, John. I needed to hear that. I haven't spoken to him since he told me he was going to see a lawyer. The less I talk to him the easier this whole thing will be for me. Only drawback is, Sydney has seen her dad for exactly one hour in the past seven days. And he was never out of town for business, he was here the whole time...Nathan saw him for that one hour, plus he spent 3 hours with him last Saturday when his dad took him to the counselor...
Sunday evening was 'his', and he chose to take an injured bull back to the guy he borrowed it from so the guy could take it to the vet. He was hurt (separated shoulder) so he rode along and his dad did all the work. Seems he would have spent the time better sitting on the couch with his kids.
Wednesday evening was 'his', he said customers were in town he had to take them to dinner, besides the kids were going to Bible school anyway...of course he could have dropped them off, picked them up and hung out with them before bed.
My pastor told me to take myself out of the equation and just let him have kid time; and the Christian counselor I called said to enforce the structured separation and hold my boundaries unless/until he was willing to seek help.
I am not an overly religious person but I did pray for God to help save my marriage and said all the things that go along with that. When it was fairly obvious the divorce was indeed going to happen, I stopped and started focusing on myself and my kids. I prayed for strength to get through this and to be a better person and a better parent.
I don't get between ex and the kids. That is his mess to clean up. Sure he wants to put the blame on me but my kids are fully aware of what the score really is. They hear him say one thing but his actions never back it up. The sooner you stop keeping score the better. It is his loss. Hopefully he will get it eventually.
Keep being the great Mom that you are and loving your sweet kids.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
OK random question but my attorney isn't on retainer yet, if I call him again with a question I will have to give the retainer $$....I am waiting to do that until I have to...
Our mortgage is in both of our names. Remember last year I was going to try alone or have my paretns co-sign but H insisted on co-signing and then moved in with me...
Anyway, do I have to refinance to get the loan in my name only? That would be hard to do right now I think. Based on my income alone, the mortgage is 49% of my take-home pay. Granted, I have NO other debt, not even a car payment. I get money from him each month but nothing 'legal', just he writes me a check, so hard to prove I suppose.
You would need to refinance it to get his name off and I believe he would also have to sign a quit claim deed.(At least I am pretty sure that is what it is called). You may want to call your mortgage company directly and find out what their process is and how much it will cost.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have a friend who is in the process of going through a divorce. She wants to buy her own place, but to qualify for a loan she has to get her name off of the mortgage she has with her H. As far as I know, her H who is going to retain the mortgage is not having to refinance, he just has to file paperwork assuming full responsibility. However it may be that he has be able to qualify with his income alone in order to get permission to have her removed. If that makes sense.
In order to count what your H is providing you, I'm pretty sure the bank would want to see something legal in writing that he is obligated to pay you.
I was just going on what my mortgage lender told me. I couldn't afford to refinance it. The divorce decree states it is mine and my responsibility. When he filed bankruptcy, I got stuck with an additional fee for that from the mortgage company. His L stated that he was in no way responsible for the house, so he wasn't responsible for the fee. Funny how he then wanted to come back and use the interest from the mortgage as a deduction on his taxes.
Best bet is check with the mortgage company since things I am sure will even vary from state to state.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I believe with my friend there is a quit claim deed involved as well. Agree with Kat that the best source of info will probably be the mortgage company.
First, there's the quit claim deed, which removes Dan's claim to the property. That's pretty straightforward.
But removing Dan's claim to the property doesn't do a thing towards removing the bank's claim to Dan! To get him off the mortgage, you'll have to refinance, I think. The proportion of your take-home pay isn't the number they are going to look at, they are going to look at the proprtion to your gross pay. The guideline used to be 28% for the mortgage, and 33% for total debt payments, but I have no idea what's up with that anymore. You will be able to include spousal support (not child support, I think) in those numbers. And of course, if you get some money in the settlement you can use some or all of that to reduce the mortgage amount when you refinance.
Take all of that with a little grain of salt, since every case is different, but I think it is generally right.
