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Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
She's pissed that all of your positive changes occurred subsequent to her detaching and deciding she was done with you.

That's my foray into mind-reading. I experience it myself with ex, though in my sitch, it is he who left so having him act like Mr. Considerate Perfect Guy annoys the sh*t out of me, especially since the repercussions of his actions are ongoing so it seems like "hey, don't pay attention to me scr*wing you this way cuz I'm being a champ over here in this other area."

Anyway, that is not your sitch, right? She initiated this. Her resentment that you seem to be delivering more of what she wanted before is her problem. What option do you have?

Learn how to not answer. Just keep doing you're thing. You're not going to drive her away (you've accepted she's gone, riiight?), you're being a better you and over time if she refuses to accept your behavior as authentic, that would be her problem, right?

I'm pretty much off the boards these days but I saw you asked for my input among others so I'm giving it.


Hello AAK.

Yeah, I asked for your input, specifically, because I put a lot of stock in it! I completely understand what you're saying in your first sentence.

I'm sorry you're in the situation that you find yourself in. I hope things will get better for you...because you definately deserve better things than what you're having to deal with currently!

I understand her resentment. Delivering more of what she wanted before is my only option...it's something that needed to happen...no matter what! And it's happening. But, she is still hurt and pissed...understandably.

I haven't been taking the bait. When I do respond...it's compassionately and validating (with much help from you and others here). Thanks.

Stay strong AAK. I appreciate you, and thanks for responding...even though you're off the boards right now. You've got a lot of support here.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Originally Posted By: clueless
Yeah I think it was Freud, "The silence is yours also." Keep it quiet my friend. Shhhh


Hey clueless. I'll keep quiet on this one...good advice. Thanks.

ps - ya' doin' OK?


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Originally Posted By: mac-ct
Originally Posted By: K4D
Keep it up. You will win her back. The worst comes before the best.


Kev - hope everyone keeps this in mind.

Thanks for sticking it in our faces smile

Cheers

Mac


Right on!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Yep Antlers I am doing ok. I've been doing a lot of work on myself and if I can be immodest, I'm pretty proud of what I've done in the past 5 months. Lots more to do, but I feel like I am moving in the right direction. And that may or may not have the added benefit of busting my divorce.

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Originally Posted By: clueless
Yep Antlers I am doing ok. I've been doing a lot of work on myself and if I can be immodest, I'm pretty proud of what I've done in the past 5 months. Lots more to do, but I feel like I am moving in the right direction. And that may or may not have the added benefit of busting my divorce.


Good on you! That's good work, and you should be proud. We need to continue to do the work, always, and regardless!


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Quote:
I understand her resentment.


At some point you are going to have to "understand" her resentment and yet NOT tolerate her rude responses. Being resentful doesn't justify your continual accepting it. At some point (soon) you are going to have to stand your ground and tell her "no more"...(of the rude unacceptable talk)......


Quote:
Delivering more of what she wanted before is my only option


Not a true statement. You DO have other options.


Quote:
...it's something that needed to happen...no matter what! And it's happening. But, she is still hurt and pissed...understandably.




Yes, it is understandable that she is still pissed. You do recognize though don't you that you ARE going to have to call her out on her unacceptable treatment and comments to you if this continues don't you? (and soon)

Quote:
I haven't been taking the bait.


This isn't bait that she is throwing out. It is ANGER. She doesn't CARE what you think and believes it is high time you realize it. She could care less whether you think it is bait or what you say or what you think or how much you apologize or change. You do realize that at some point you are going to have to confront her "angry spewing" don't you? (soon)


Quote:
When I do respond...it's compassionately and validating (with much help from you and others here). Thanks.


I agree that you need to validate (agree) with the way you have treated her and her obvious anger. You do know though that you are going to have to confront her unacceptable ways she is responding to you, while still allowing her to know you are not making any excuse about your past behaviour don't you?) (soon)

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Quote:
Delivering more of what she wanted before is my only option


Not a true statement. You DO have other options. - gucci


Hey gucci...glad you're here. When I said it was my only option, I meant that I was becoming a better dad, a better partner, and a better man...all the way around...regardless of anything else. And I intend to continue to do that, and it's in my best interests, and in the best interests of all those who have anything to do with me. It's good, and it's right. And 'that' is my only option!

Quote:
When I do respond...it's compassionately and validating (with much help from you and others here). Thanks.


I agree that you need to validate (agree) with the way you have treated her and her obvious anger. You do know though that you are going to have to confront her unacceptable ways she is responding to you, while still allowing her to know you are not making any excuse about your past behaviour don't you?) (soon) - gucci

I think you hit the nail on the head right there, gucci! I agree with everything you say here! Thanks, man!




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One other thing, gucci...anything and everything that she has said to me throughout all of this, all of the mean, nasty, and hurtful things...pales in comparison to the amount and harshness of the things I've said to her over the years!


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When I said it was my only option, I meant that I was becoming a better dad, a better partner, and a better man...all the way around...regardless of anything else.


Yes. I know what you meant. You are correct in the way you meant it. I was nudging you to ask yourself the question of "what if she REALLY is done"? What if she is much happier now without you around berating her? I don't buy what the others are telling you in that she is not happy. She may very well be quite happy. She may be so angry at you that she is going to continue to tell you exactly how she feels about you no matter what anybody thinks. That certainly doesn't mean she is unhappy. One can be unhappy with a particular situation on any given day and still leave it at work or whatever and be quite happy the rest of the day. .....


I do want you to know that you have done a fine job of turning around. I do believe you meant business. I do believe you now truly understand what you did and have deep sorrow. Good job on that front.

My belief is that you have shown complete remorse. You have shown her and shown her that you are sorry and have taken the blame for the way you treated her and that you understand her feelings and anger and disgust. That is all good and correct on your part....

HOWEVER.... She is NOW showing YOU disrespect. At some point you are going to have to earn her respect back by standing up to her way of talking or communicating to you. The key will be in how to stand your ground and still allow her to feel that you were wrong for the past. This isn't a matter of taking the bait, but in establishing a two way level of respect.

Chew on this for awhile. It is NOT WRONG for you to tell her that she is at some point no better to talk to you that way than you were to her. You may then have to stand your ground in a different way, such as cutting off communication until SHE gets your new message. If she shouldn't have to take you talking to her that way (and she shouldn't) YOU shouldn't have to take it from her either. (and YOU shouldn't) Deep down she knows this to be true,but now she is using this as a power play..

Food for thought. You can't "not respond" for forever... It may be the missing link to the actually really getting her respect back.

This will be a test of enormous magnitude for you to pass.

Good luck

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Quote:
such as cutting off communication until SHE gets your new message.


I do agree with Gucci. In my sitch the only way to get the message across has been to just cut off the conversation when it gets disrespectful. I am done trying to rationalize or explain why I find H's behavior or communication abhorrent. Sometimes the behavior is subtle and manipulative and I let my actions speak so I don't waste too much energy. I tried to converse and rationalize why and how his communication doesn't work for me. No change until I just end the conversation.

I think with overt hostility, you do have an opportunity to say something to the effect of what Gucci mentioned...basically that the behavior is unacceptable when directed at her and/or you. I can almost guarantee she feels entitled to equal time of a**holic behavior.

Trying to fulfill that expectation means you get to be a punching bag and she still probably never comes back. And, those are moments of your life you'll never retrieve.

The whole tit for tat thing is a waste of time...doesn't work.

Rambling a bit here. While I have disagreed with Gucci before, overall, it has not been until I really stopped this placating BS that my life has begun to feel manageable and within my control.

It is a fine line. Sometimes, we need to discuss our communication (usually around kid issues), but overall, even then, my expressions lead to little change as long as I'm engaging. If I stood a chance of changing H, it would have happened long ago. I can only define what is acceptable to me and live by it. It is challenging.

When you detach, you also wont really care as much how she treats you as it is just really her problem.

Don't know if Gucci and I agree on this. I think it can go either way but I have found the preoccupation with how H treats me to really divert my attention from myself and my life. Maybe he'll be a d*ck forever, I honestly can't even care anymore. I can handle it. And, sooner or later, he will get that he's on a road to nowhere trying to reel me in...or not.

Life is too precious to let someone else's behavior dictate how you are going to feel. Onward.



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