I want to post a thread here to get others take on a recent development in my situation.
My family has been involved in a "family orientated althetic activity" for a couple years now. As a family and individuals we enjoy it and are very involved. However, the distance between as a married couple has grown such that what started out "family orientated" has become I go, then she goes at a different time and we usually take turns taking the kids when it is their class. We are also at different levels of our instruction so going at different times is understandable as the class schedule can focus on our particular level of training. Hence, we developed seperate partners for our training.
Here is my dilemma. My wife has always been a very outgoing person, talkative, can strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. I have always admired that about her and her ability to form friendships. However, I have noticed a little friendship forming with one of her male partners. Now, I notice this guy comes early and waits for her, whatever he is doing makes sure he gets in the same area as her when she shows up. Always glancing over and they are always smiling at eachother. My wife is talking to him constantly. And it seems their making it to class is coordinated so to participate together. Maybe a little jealousy issue on my part but I notice he will not look me in the face.
This is just what I have noticed. I had not been hanging over the situation or going out of my way to find out what they are talking about. I have had some issues of concern with my wife in the past but I have been very proactive and have uncovered no infidelity. But things are to the point now that the relationship is ripe for an affair on either of our parts.
Now, a couple weeks ago, out of the blue, a woman, more a friend of hers than mine, comes up to me and asks, "what is going on between your wife and so-and-so." I asked what do you mean, and was given a repsonse of "I dont know. maybe its nothing." I didnt push for more information because it seemed like she didnt want to provide it nor did I confront my wife with this. I just sat back and observed, and realized that yeah this little friendship is abit obvious.
A couple days ago I decided to confront her about this and get attacked with, "your an a-hole" "this marriage sucks" "Its nothing I just like training with him" "Can't believe you would suggest anything like that" etc.
Extreme defensiveness, degrading your marriage, explaining away as innocent something you are concerned about, gaslighting by making you question your own perceptions.
Textbook.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I have read and re-read chocolate_eyes posts. I am very good gathering intel. I know where MY car is and I know whats going on in MY house. It would be a pretty lousy physical affair, if so. but you never do know....
Originally Posted By: DCBHM
Extreme defensiveness, degrading your marriage
The marriage is in a pretty degraded state right now.
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
I agree with the others, her defensiveness is unwarranted. She should be trying to ease your concerns and trying to discuss this with you.
That is why I posted here. Very defensive. However isnt there some book on Infidelity that says, men give flowers woman give oral sex? I didnt get that. i did let her know I was very concerned and that seemed to make her more angry.
Originally Posted By: kat727
if other people are taking notice...
I am questioning that to. not sure why someone would say something like that. then drop it. strange.
Did you tell her that an outside party is the one who asked you whats going on between them? Maybe it will be a reality check that others can see what shes doing and its disgraceful.
They brought it up an dropped it because she is their friend, and people dont like to get in the middle of messes like this. Especially when it involves being seen as "taking a side".
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Maybe you need to buddy up to this guy too. If ther's nothing going on, she'll be fine with it. You'll probably get a better gauge out of an interaction with him.
I agree with the others. Defensive, bashing your marriage, quick to anger... If your intel is good, it would make sense that you've discovered someone she's bonding with, and, considering the status of your R, you are right that she (and you) are ripe for a PA.
Just curious... How did you bring it up to her? I'm wondering what your approach was, tone, etc...? It might explain her response to us.
Why not get to know the guy a bit? YOU the loser, if so? NOT! He'd be the one doin' a married woman, practically under your nose!
More nosey questions, but I'll hold off for now! LOL
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I had been aggravated with her because of my daughters complaints lately. So when I heard about this, I gave myself several days to cool down and avoided her. I watched her interactions with this fellow and when I noticed whenever I would come near him he would drop his eyes and avoid me I began figuring something up if not with her than him. So I decided to reduce contact with my wife to next to nothing. Noticing she would constantly be looking at me and trying to get some type of interaction from me at home.
One evening I was on the deck having a late coffee and she came up to make small talk and asked me whats up. I straight out told her, "One of your friends asked me "what's going on between your wife and so-n-so?" and I have been watching your interactions with him and they do not seem appropriate, in fact, they are very disrespectful in front of me, my friends and our children if other people are commenting to me about it." She became immediately defensive and agrumentative then went straight into demanding to know who told me. This went on for five minutes and in ending I told her you were not very convincing which makes me all the more concerned.
Why not get to know him? He seems guility of something. Guys do have a very strong ego about these things, and I am no different.
More questions, Shoot. I can't figure my wife out anymore and I am losing interest in trying. Anything to help me think about this from another approach is very appreciated.
