Time to remember that I am a strong, capable woman with a lot of love to give the world. If H doesn't want it, I will share it with the other special people in my life. Focus on the positives and the blessings I do have. Plus the things I DO have control over. Which don't include my husband or his choices.
Perfect! That is exactly what you should do. He is just a stormcloud that follows you around with lightning and thunder and raining on your parade!
Yes, I do think it's time to stop talking to Dan about anything except the kids. Be minimally polite even then. Do not allow him to suck you in. Just keep repeating over and over to him that you are letting your atty handle each and every decision from now on. End of story. You gave him so many chances to wise up and he has refused.
Trying to reason with Dan does not work. Plus, he has been cake-eating for way too long and omg, girl, you have been patient above and beyond. Put a screeching halt to that. It will be a HUGE 180 and will get his attention.
But, don't fall for anything he has to say to get you to change your mind. Of course you need your own atty, one of your own choosing. What makes him think he's calling all the shots anymore? What makes him think he gets to choose your atty?
I would make it very clear to him that he has no say in what you do anymore since he has not really been your h for a very long time now. And that was his decision.
I know you've been hanging in there because "it sucks for the kids." And you're right, it does. But it's just not a good enough reason anymore and the longer this is dragging on, the worse it is for everyone. The kids have less stability in this limbo than they will when you finally pull the trigger. I know how much it hurts, but I think you also know that Dan will never change.
I pray that he will change, but I agree that I cannot 'talk' him into changing. I will continue to pray that he sees the mistake he is making, but I won't try to convince him of that anymore.
I am going to find the positive, confident BBJ that is my true personality. And focus on my kids and my house and organizing the parts of my life that I can, to minimize the stress I feel.
Step one is getting my financial house in order. That isn't going to be very difficult. I only have one debt, my house. I just don't track my money well, coffee here, dinner out for the kids there, etc etc. I know I could have a lot more saved up if I paid attention...will need to look into more of a retirement plan, since I was always planning on Dan and I sharing his. Also need to make sure I can refinance the house on my own so I don't have to move anywhere.
Let your lawyer lead you through the financial stuff. Assuming Dan has been doing retirement saving, you should get a good portion of it. Whatever you do, don't succumb to the temptation to just let him go. Thinking about it, a lot of the trouble he has gotten into seems to be a byproduct of his work and travel, in the end you should still get your share!
I hope he changes, but I'm not holding my breath. You need to be prepared, in any case.
And you are an amazing, incredible, and beautiful woman, inside and out!
Tomato, sure, Dan could change. The finality of my comment was premature, I guess. But these days, I just go with "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Spent an hour with Pastor and his wife today after church. His summation was that Dan has to start experiencing the consequences of his choices, sooner rather than later. Not to try to get him back, but because he just needs to learn to take responsibility for his life and where he is in life instead of blaming me for his crappy circumstances.
He is worried that Dan is possibly using 'real' women at this point, because magazines and strippers are only fulfilling for a short amount of time and then a person requires more to get the same feeling. Kind of like drugs I suppose...this was triggered by me telling Pastor that Dan told me he didn't go to the strippers anymore b/c they were 'annoying'...
while I have been seriously bogged down with a great big mess and much confusion and being more or less catatonic for stretches at a time...there is no excuse to slack off on prayers and so your family and a whole host of others will be getting loads of them
Dan needs to learn a lot! Unfortunately, you can't teach it to him. All you can do is enforce the boundaries that can stop his abuse of your good nature. Then he can choose to teach himself, or not. I'm not overloaded with optimism, but there are miracles every day!
