Had a great night watching the Boks beat the cr@p out of Australia at rugby.
And true to form (I'm doing nothing about the sitch) I met a mate going into the Barrel (pub). Who said - rumor is the W is working at the X Inn (round the corner).
Initial reaction - good. Next reaction - as a barmaid. Third reaction - good. Forth reaction - so does "OW" now get a discount?
Serenity - the first I heard of this so many things went through my head. First one was Thank God. W really needs some confidence back in her life. And that she now has.
Second thought (bad thing thoughts!) - so now the W is living with "OW" paying her to stay there and is now waiting on her hand and foot - W bring me booze. That sort of thing. This HAS to be unsustainable.
I did a bad thing which I promised myself I wouldn't do. Left the Barrel, rode round to the X Inn and looked in. No OW car. I _think_ I saw W working her a$$ off behind the bar. Feelings? Not sure. Confused. I'll get confirmation for what it's worth soon.
Mainstay - very good friend. We had a long chat after the rugby. He's convinced that I should just wait and see. Thats another who said exactly the same thing in the past couple of days.
I know that I'm improving myself in leaps and bounds. I just can't get how being so passive in respect waiting for the W to call me is helping. I feel the "fixer" in me rising to the surface.
I feel the need to text "Very proud of you." or just SOMETHING. I feel once again that the W is having such a boost in confidence. I feel the depression that I know she was suffering is dropping away. I feel she's returning to "normal" where everything hopefully is coming into focus. I feel her perspective on life the universe and where she fits into it is doing the same.
Any ex WAW's insight in how my W may be improving would help me immensely. And if there is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
Now I'm confused. Swings and roundabouts. I know there's no "one size fits all" but please give me something.
Dear Mac, dear, dear Mac. Honey. I know you can't see where being patient is "working" or if there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Now sit down and have that coffee. Put your feet up a minute.
Getting a job. Good for her, but only step 1. You did a lot of projecting and questioning based on step 1, especially if she just started there. It does not show she is any farther down the tunnel.
Mac, honestly, you just aren't any farther yourself. It is so tempting to spin and dance and question on the tiny scraps of information we get about our WA's. I know that. But the DB part of you needs to get stronger. This is for you.
To get to the point of acceptance and getting stronger is the goal. I know we all can acknowledge on the surface that our awful sitch's are really happening. But true acceptance of the fact that the one person we love more than any other has really and truly done this, that they really feel the way they feel, and that they may really pull the chain and completely D us is so unbelievable painful that we try to block it out of our consciousness.
Quote:
I feel the "fixer" in me rising to the surface.
I feel the need to text "Very proud of you." or just SOMETHING. I feel once again that the W is having such a boost in confidence. I feel the depression that I know she was suffering is dropping away. I feel she's returning to "normal" where everything hopefully is coming into focus. I feel her perspective on life the universe and where she fits into it is doing the same.
You feel.You feel. What does she feel? Can you even imagine? Do you really understand it? Of course not, not right now at least.
Sometimes these really strong "feelings" just have to be felt. Not every feeling has to be acted on, though. The best thing you can do with these feelings is to journal. It is very releasing. In your journal you can let it all out. You don't have to be DB in your journal, and you can write what you would say to your W if you had the chance.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Just reading this - especially the last part has me in tears. Me a grown man.
Okay - coffee in hand - feet up (sort of).
I think you do have an idea how it feels for me to have someone notice this poor thread of mine, to have someone who's been through this and come out a stronger better person comment on the cr@p in mine. Your reply has put me in tears. But they've been building all day so don't blame yourself. Something about my W getting a job has done that.
On the one hand I'm so very very happy for her. As I said, it's got to have made a big difference in her self-esteem. On the other hand I find myself scared that she has found this job because what am I for then?
Scraps of info - just what they are. I'm no longer "in-the-loop" as I was when we were together.
DB'ing - trying my level best by picking up all sorts of other "scraps" here on the board. I really do need to sit, drink coffee and read the books which are still in the system somewhere.
"The one we love more than anyone" oh boy! I can accept this but it hurts.
What's my W feeling? You're correct in stating that I can't possibly know. She won't speak to me or anyone else about it (I suspect the "friend" gets it all). However I have a strong suspicion she thinks I'm lower than dog dirt. I've done absolutely nothing to help her in any way. This despite the threats of court and pleas tugging at my heartstrings. In fact I've removed any form of help - financial or otherwise since the beginning of this month. She's had to make it on her own. And she is getting there. What's my W's feeling? Worse than when she left.
Just realized that you are right about my level of DB knowledge. It actually sucks.
What I want to do is revert back to the crying and throwing myself on her mercy. But I won't.
I've not felt like this for many weeks - then bam. There she blows.
What would I say to my W? ?
I know what I'd like to do though.
Take her in my arms. Hold her very very close and whisper in her ear "Everything will be just fine".
The crazy thing about all this is that my W doesn't have any problems accepting hugs and returning them. But that's where it stops. No continuity. No "staggering" off into the future together.
Wifey, I find I'm not very good at this DB'ing after all. It's fine being up-beat, acting "as if", doing the 180's and all the rest. People have seen the difference. It's just the feeling of essentially being told "if it comes right it comes right" and if it doesn't..... big deal.
Thats not where I am right now. I've (make that we've) proven in the past to friends who thought I was an idiot to a preacher who eventually told me to get on with my life and forget her.
Not going to happen. This is far to early in this situation. 9 weeks is a drop in the ocean.
Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is saying - wait, give it time. They are all so certain that she'll pull through. And this sorry part of our lives will mend - together.
Why can't I just accept this? What do they see that I cannot?
As I said, to my undying shame, she's done this twice in the past. Running from things that had overtaken her. Not just me. Circumstances. Situations. The difference this time is she pointed the gun at me and pulled the trigger before she left leaving me in no doubt that in her mind - this time I was to blame for everything.
The difference this time is that I'm not initiating any form of contact. Not pursuing. Not doing anything that she can see or read or hear or touch or smell or.... this hurts more than I can stand. Not knowing what will hurt her, drive her away further.
And I think that's what you guys are trying to get across to me. Time only matters because there's lots of it. Not counting the minutes that have pasted by.
I find I need a plan of action. More than I've been doing. Some direction. The brain is beginning to spin up again.
So want to just send a short text..
"So very proud of you W. If you want to talk I'm here for you"
And you know what the advice will be?
"She already knows it" so don't do it. AAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrggggggggg.
Saw your post on my thread and thought I should post my response here.
Quote:
"The reason I believe your W staying under the same roof as you is important is b/c it is much easier for her to see your changes if she is around every day. That can still be done if she moves out, but it is more difficult."
How the heck do I manage this? Been apart 9 weeks now. Seen her perhaps 5 times to discuss money (great). Nothing except a text blast two weeks ago.
I hope this does not discourage you. That certainly wasn't my intention in writing that.
I was relying on another post I read several months ago that someone had written in the context of the LBS deciding whether to move out of the house or not.
I cannot speak from experience, since I am still under the same roof as my W and kids. I am thankful for that, but it does have other issues from a couple who have moved to different addresses.
Anyway, I would suspect that it may take longer to "get through" to the WAS when the WAS is living apart from the LBS. But, keep in mind, (1) it is still possible to reach the WAS and (2) that is NOT the goal here. The goal is to change you into a strong, confident and great person. From your posts, I can see you are strong, confident and a good person. We all have our down times, but we CAN recognize them (and even expect them), deal with it, then get back to work.
Despite living in separate locations, you will still have opportunities to show your W the new you. It may be in person or through text messages/emails, or even through word reaching her through your mutual friends (Wow, Mac is doing great, he's happy, outgoing and really seems to have his life in order). Word WILL get back to her. Make those words count.
Also, keep working on detachment. I am really happy where I am right now. I can look at my W and I don't feel sadness or foreboding should she push for D. I am beginning to appreciate that there are MANY, MANY beautiful, wonderful, nice women out there who are used to the dating scene of the typical self absorbed misguided man. That's not me, so I know happiness is out there, and I get my choice of the flavor should W decide the grass is greener (it isn't).
Detachment will not eliminate your occasional down days. But, it will get you to a plcae where you are not wasting energy on worrying about what W will/won't do. The byproduct is confidence and self respect like you haven't felt since everything in your world blew up. And those qualities are attractive.
Keep your head up, keep working on YOU, and detach, detach, detach. You CAN do this!
Thanks a million. Thats what I thought. But not having anything concrete back is the problem I have. The only thing I _am_ certain about is the "f" whispering in W's ear.
I suspect that people are saying to W that they do see the difference.
My real quandary (even though you say detach) is that all the "normal" long distance communication tools could be seen as pursuing.
I would love to actually e-mail or text "well done. I'm proud you found a job" The opportunity of sticking a small note in with the cable is a prime example. How the heck can I make use of this small window of opportunity?
And then I'm told it's a no-no.
BTW gima - today was a bad day. Getting over it I promise. Changing 150 litres of water for the goldfish sure took my mind off things.
Thanks once again for your insight. Truly appreciated.
As for being a better person - I take great hope from your thread. Just 'cos I don't post all the time doesn't mean I don't lurk
I know the pain you are feeling. Hang in there. I have a feeling most people will tell you no note with the cable, and if anything, just a simple "Found your cable" and nothing else. Nada.
It sucks, but dwelling on just increases the suckage.
Thank you for the prayers in my thread. He's doing ok this morning - sorta wait and see.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Glad your grandpa is sounding better. I was as worried as you were yesterday.
Suckage - good word but does not compute on my MacBook
You all got a triple dose of the prayers today. On waking, at lunchtime and 1 hour in the garden in the sun, with the wind and hanging on like grim death to my bible.
