Thanks guys. The problem was that tomorrow wasn't an option. I get up at 5:30 for boot camp, by the time I get home he is getting ready for work and then I was off to the airport in the afternoon.
Just to be clear, I did want to but just not with all the hoopla. I have to agree with Sam's wife's sentiment about sometimes I just want to have sex. And that is a 180 for me because before I would just say I'm tired and go to sleep.
So is there a tactful way to convey that sentiment? I am trying to get out of my LD habits and just do it more often. Is there not room for any quick, basic sex at this point?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Of course there is! Actually, having a quickie can be pretty exciting! What I was trying to convey is that in my case, the "just have sex" comment came across as she did not want to, but she'll allow me to have my way with her. It did NOT come across as she did WANT it but just quick. I think the difference may be that if the guy's initiating all the time (like I was), then a comment like "do it quick" comes across wrong. That's where W and I had our misunderstandings I guess. Especially over the past few years, very few times have I felt wanted by her. The last time was actually 3 months after the bomb, when I had been away for 2 months for work....
Here I go again, rambling off track about my own stuff. I guess my point would be to make him feel wanted on a regular basis. That makes it easier to accept the occasional "i'm not in the mood and tired".
I might be coming across to you as very persistent with trying to make my point, but this was one of the major things that caused misunderstandings between my W and I.
Yes, It is differences in the way men and women communicate about sex that causes sex starved marriages. I was also always initiating sex with my wife and for the last few years I was getting the "I am tired" and she was out like a light in 5 minutes. That totaly shot my confidence and so the cycle began. I would try to initiate once or twice a week and get rejected. Then my wife would give in to please me and because of this there were no emotions involved.
So, long story short- if you just want a quickie...just tell him that! He would much rather hear that I am sure.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Sam, you're right, in the past I did convey the message that I didn't want to ML but would just go along and that really got to BF. Honestly I didn't want to but since I learned that I had practically zero testosterone and have taken steps to fix that I am trying to "just do it" while waiting for the hormones to rise. I think BF is just so sensitive to anything sounding like "no" that I'm trying to be as direct with him as possible. I just don't want to have to tell him repeatedly, "Yes, I want this, I just want a quickie." It's a process.
And don't ever worry about talking about your own sitch. That's why I'm here, to see what others are going through and learn from communal experience. Plus you know that I'm following your sitch.
v1olin, yep, that's what happened with us. Now that I know I'm determined not to let it happen again.
We're off to Vegas tomorrow. We're both really looking forward to it. I'm bringing some new dresses that show off the results of my GAL activities of walking, dance and exercise classes, and some lingerie. Plus there will be no R talks or reading, just three days of fun.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 07/18/0912:14 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm glad you found the culprit and are on the way to "fix" it. The communications about sex are so easy to go wrong. In hindsight it's so clear how things were taken the wrong way.
Glad you're going on a mini vacation! Sounds like fun! And you're prepared for some fun in the hotel room! Good for you!
Vegas was fun. Did have a little cry one morning after sex when I realized that the last time BF was on a romantic weekend away having sex in a king-sized bed it wasn't with me. I really wish these thoughts would go away. I suspect they will with time but I need a better way to work through them now. Other than that we enjoyed ourselves.
Had another situation last night. After kickball the team went to a bar where BF used to meet OW. I had previously told him that I would not go anywhere he took her so we had declined going to this bar a couple weeks earlier. But this was the last game of the season and I did feel like socializing so I agreed to go. As soon as I walked in the door I started to shake. BF said we should go home if I didn't want to be there. I felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't--if I leave then I'm letting OW and the past dictate what I can and can't do, but if I stay then I'm backing down from a boundary that I put in place to keep my self respect in tact. After I took a few minutes to calm down I decided not to let the whore win and decided to stay. It would be easier to be there with a big fun group rather than just the two of us. Eventually I got over it and we had a good time but I don't think we'll be going back there any time soon.
Thoughts are now turning to our anniversary which is coming up in a few weeks. I don't want to celebrate it because it feels phony. Nine years together? Not really since I found out he was cheating at Thanksgiving and we broke up in January. I'm not sure what BF will say if I don't want to do anything. We haven't really done anything special for the last few years, just gone out to dinner. I kind of want to wait and see if he even remembers or thinks about making plans.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Good to hear you had fun in Vegas! I can understand why those kind of thought bother you. It's difficult, but with time they will go away.
About the bar thing: I think it was a nice gesture of BF to offer to just leave if you weren't comfortable! He's really committed to making sure you don't have to be reminded of that part of history. I'm glad you decided to stay though. You said that had you left, then the whore wins, but that's not true! The whore has already lost: BF is with you! That bar may remind you of the past however, but you'll just have to build some good memories there to make it your place.
About the anniversary thing: I don't think it's a good idea to ignore the whole thing. That just shows that you don't care, especially in this piecing stage, where you're rebuilding the R. I'm not saying to organize a romantic weekend getaway with vow renewals, but more like going out to dinner to a special place you don't go to very often. Has BF organized something for your anniversary in the past?
Today is technically our ninth anniversary. We discussed it last week and both decided it was weird and didn't seem right to celebrate so the day is passing without celebration. I feel ok about it so far. I'm already behind on my to do list and have dance classes tonight so keeping busy.
Thursday is BF's birthday. I'm keeping it small and simple. In the past I've put a lot of thought and energy into the day when he doesn't really care. My birthday is really important to me so I tried to do the same but it doesn't matter to him. So this year I'm getting him a plant (he really does want one, it's to replace the one he had to give up two moves ago) and going out to dinner at a casual place of his choosing. I am still baking cupcakes because that's tradition. He picked a recipe from the Martha Stewart cupcake book that's fairly complicated but I'll give it a shot! Going to drop them off at his office in the afternoon and go out to lunch with my friend so it's not all about BF.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Good idea to just discuss the anniversary thing with BF. Since you both agreed on it being weird, it's probably good to let it slide this time. Who knows where you'll be next year?
As a guy, I feel a little uneasy about the plant gift for his b'day, but I trust you when you say he really does want one! So how did the b'day go? How are you feeling in general about BF now?
He would much rather hear that I am sure.
I think BF is just so sensitive to anything sounding like "no" that I'm trying to be as direct with him as possible. I just don't want to have to tell him repeatedly, "Yes, I want this, I just want a quickie." It's a process.
Plus there will be no R talks or reading, just three days of fun.