No, it hasn't sunk in and I'm just tired of all the excuses. But it appears that it's up to me now--I have to accept the excuses if I want to move forward with BF. I'm very resentful that the burden is back on me to be the bigger person yet again. I have a feeling all this resentment is going to build up and I'm going to explode.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Yep, that's exactly what he's doing. He's going to have to realize that it will take a few months of you snooping and finding nothing to put your mind at ease that there really is nothing. He needs to understand that. I am sure you have already told him this in a lot of different ways, but it hasn't sunken in apparently.
I personally think that pearl shouldn't have to snoop and that is her point. He should be blatantly open about things in order to show that he has nothing to hide. How long is she going to have to snoop because he chooses to keep hiding things? He knows what is inappropriate and tells her that he knows and chooses to hide it instead of communicating it. I don't think I could live like that day in and day out with the constant wondering if what comes out of his mouth is the truth or his omission filled version. Trust is so important and it seems the more she communicates to him what she needs for him to build that trust the more he hides. This reminds me very much of my situation. My STBXH cheated on me prior to us getting married. He said he did it because he was scared and didn't know if he was ready to be married, but that him cheating showed him how much he loved me and didn't want to lose me. He was very open at first. Then it became how long are you going to hang onto this. I finally got to a point where I trusted him and then found out he was cheating on me with my bestfriend(now ex bestfriend). I just have a difficult time believing that this leopard is ever going to change his spots. His actions show so much more than his words. He talks a very good game and knows how to say I'm sorry and give flowers, when all pearl wants is for him to SHOW her he means what he says by being open and honest with her. The fact that he continues to flirt and behave inappropriately and know that it hurts her raises so many red flags. I'd have to sit back and do some serious thinking about if I want my future to include the paranoia that comes with having to snoop on the person who I am supposed to be able to trust more than anyone else in the world. Just my 2 cents.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I haven't posted to you before but I have followed your story with great interest. Your's is one that made me decide to go gucci.
Although your situation is different, your BF has some characteristics that remind me of mine - the lame, non-wooing approaches, the hiding things because it would just upset me.
It might be that the gucci method does get them coming back your way, but then you might realize you don't want them.
Hang in there. Don't settle for less than the best.
Hi there GTFM, thanks for stopping by--haven't seen you around much in a while.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. I shouldn't have to snoop anymore and I definitely don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. Both of which I have told BF. He sounds remorseful but I'm back at the beginning of not believing anything he says.
It's frustrating because when I told him this in April (don't believe what you say because you've proven yourself a liar) his response was "I understand. You need to see actions and I will prove I'm serious over time." But then he does this knowing full well that the actions looked suspect at best. Grrr.
On the one hand he seems sincere in wanting to work on the R and doing the work (i.e. reading After the Affair and doing the exercises, continued open discussions). On the other hand, it feels like he's only willing to do so much (as much as he deems necessary) and that's not enough in my book.
So I'm faced with deciding how much I'm going to lower my expectations. Are they too high? I don't think so. How much do I want to be in this R? Enough to live with a series of "oops" actions? I don't think so. But one of my problems is laziness and it is much easier to stay than to face the great unknown and start over.
Well, I'm going to enjoy this week with my friends and see how the weekend goes with BF. When I decided to give reconciliation a shot I told myself that I would give it the summer and reevaluate after Labor Day.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I randomly swung by here, curious as to whether I recognized any names, but so far only yours and a couple of others.
I realized I hadn't asked about your situation either, but it looks like some positives and negatives. Do you think that perhaps that BF just has a certain personality, and that's it? As opposed to expecting some sort of "change" - maybe that's just it?
I have personally experienced drastic and visible changes - people that previously supported my STBXW have come full-circle, and comment on how different I am. I don't see that same change in BF, especially considering that he is the one that made the most egregious mistake in having the affair.
My STBXW hasn't really made ANY changes almost at all, but expends a tremendous amount of effort in justifying her mistakes, to the point, really, where it has become the norm for her. Once an affairee desensitize themselves enough, I think they lose perspective, and rather than being truly regretful, they simply want you to quit bugging them...
I think that is the difference between true love, and just society's definition of love. I still, sadly, love my STBXW, and hope for her happiness - and I felt that way before the separation and affair. I wonder if she's ever felt love in her life.
If you've never truly loved (and I mean REAL love, not Hollywood love), how can you have suffered loss? Is that BF?
I do think that's part of it. BF is the way he is and am I willing to accept it or is it not enough? I think I'm still strugging because I haven't seen as much effort that I believe he's capable of. I know he's not the romantic type but he did make some gestures in our early days so I know he could think of things to do but he isn't. He does insist that things are different now, better because we're communicating and we understand each other better. That's true, but I just can't shake the little nagging feeling that it's not enough.
But then I think that I haven't made all the changes I need to make yet either (ahem, job). And life isn't perfect. And I do have high expectations. Perhaps too high?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Yep, that's exactly what he's doing. He's going to have to realize that it will take a few months of you snooping and finding nothing to put your mind at ease that there really is nothing. He needs to understand that. I am sure you have already told him this in a lot of different ways, but it hasn't sunken in apparently.
I personally think that pearl shouldn't have to snoop and that is her point. He should be blatantly open about things in order to show that he has nothing to hide. How long is she going to have to snoop because he chooses to keep hiding things?
I agree with you GTFM. I didn't word my post very well. She shouldn't have to snoop, but she still feels the need to snoop and it will take some snooping and finding nothing to build the trust to the point where she feels comfortable with BF saying there is nothing.
pearl, I couldn't tell you if your expectations for a R/M are too high or too low. I am sure you imagine your ideal R/M as something, maybe by watching other couples, maybe by imagining how things could be. But you also said that you still need to make some changes yourself. Are you making yourself happy? I guess what I am wondering is: are you somehow (partially) relying on BF to make you happy?
Please understand that I am not saying nothing's wrong with BF! He needs to make changes and right now he's procrastinating/avoiding that. But I am merely suspecting that you are, at least in part, also unhappy with the way your life is going right now even if BF wasn't in the picture. Food for thought?
Did you have a good time? How are things going? I'm waiting to see if my wasband remembers what day it is??? I have no expectations...but STILL you would think???
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
