I'll have to dig up some pics from a few years back at home for that, which I was already planning on doing anyways. But how to share with all you guys? I can only do that on the alt, where I have a separate acct for DB friends btw. You could do the same if you don't feel like being friends with all D18's friends!
pearl, yep I am, got all of those and you btw! Haven't been on there in a while though....
Latest: Yesterday, W comes here to drop off StepS13 for a day. He left today, so I wanted to have a nice day with him just the 2 of us. We had a blast! Anyways, W drops him off and hands me a photo of me and one of the twins from our trip to WDW. Then she asks me if I got that pic she sent by email the other day (the one I did not respond to) and if I noticed how much I have changed, that I am so thin now! While she's saying that, she looked me up and down, checking me out. Well, GREAT!!! WTF does she say that for??? If I am so awesome and good looking, then why the F%*% don't you come home!!!!!???????
Today, we're bringing StepS13 to the airport to go back to his dad. W is making conversation in the car. Asking about my mom, how she is, all kinds of stuff. Then she says that there are 2 small houses for sale just a few blocks up the street from the house. How it would be pretty convenient for the boys to be able to walk back and forth.... Now, what WOULD be convenient is for her to live in the same house with the rest of her family!!!!
Then, when I dropped myself off at the house, I asked her to write down her mailing address (so I can split the cell bill, didn't tell her this at first) and told her that I will need her to call the phone company to get her name of the phone bill at the house. She seemed a bit puzzled at first when I asked her for the address, but then she said: "Yeah, we need to separate the cell phone bill also." I told her that was what the address was for. I guess I was hoping for a little bit of why? After a couple of hours together, I felt a little hopeful again I guess... If hse had asked why, I was going to tell her that I don't feel like paying for her 50+ texts a day to OM!
Just venting here made me feel better... Thanks!
Still don't follow the whole moving right next to me idea. Is that how this kind of how this whole process goes?
1. Move out, far away, don't want to have anything to do with your H. If W needs help with anything, ask anybody, ANYBODY but H... Blame H for having money while you don't! 2. Keep yourself extremely busy, work yourself to death, afraid to dissappoint anybody, so work for free if needed even though you're running out of money. 3. Make a total mess out of your financial situation. Bills are unpaid, collection agencies are calling. All this, while H still pays a bunch of bills for you, including the kids' school, your car, your car insurance and your cellphone. Who's finacially irresponsible now?? 4. Realize this can't go on like this financially, so start cutting the living expenses: move to a smaller apartment, keep the shop that sucks up money 5. Realize this situation is taking away time from the kids, and money that could be spent on doing things with them. 6. Close the shop, still work a lot, but not for free anymore. 7. Move right next door to H.
What's #8?? Wait 3 months and move back in? Divorce H and follow him for the next 15 years so the kids don't have to be away too long from either parent??? I mean WTF!!??
I still think W believes that everything will be fab if/when you're D because you still support her so much, both financially and emotionally. I know some people say be friends and just wait it out, but I think she needs to see what D would really look like. How friendly will you be then? I know you still need to coparent but are you willing to go along with her plan of being best buds post-D? I think if you continue to pull back she'll see that it's not going to be the wonderful outcome she envisions.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'll have to get a before picture from someone else, since I didn't take too many pictures of myself... Then, I'll have to take a current picture also...
I think you are right about her thinking everybody's gonna be best buddies after a D. That's how she is with her xH also. She once said that they were better friends than husband and wife. I am starting to think she thinks that about us also. We are so much alike: have the same humor, a lot of the same interests (cooking, good food and wine, movies, etc..) I realize now that I wasn't all lovey-dovey with her for a couple of years before the bomb, but I was depressed about my job, my family and friends living thousands of miles away. After I got out of that is when I felt a great passion for her. It felt great!!! And THAT's when the bomb dropped...
Anyways, I am trying to be as detached as I can, but it's really hard when you see each other every couple of days and talk to each other almost daily (I don't call her unless it's about kid logistics, most of the time she calls me, and that's a change from a month ago). For example, we're sitting in the car and she tells me about stuff, asks me about my mom, etc... should I just give short answers, not laugh at her jokes and such? Is that how it will be after D? I just really don't know....
No answers here. Just want you to think about how you see your post-D life if/when it happens. If you still see being friends then fine, be friends. But if you don't see yourself being that close then I would suggest you start moving toward that now. I'm not advocating being rude, just not as close and personal. How much would you confide in a neighbor or coworker?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I haven't been confiding in her at all in the last 6 months, it's mostly W that's talking to me about things that bother her. Like StepS13 being all moody with her and not listening to her. W told me the other day that a friend from her town (not OM) that knows StepS13 well, told her that StepS13 doesn't like staying with her because she's always stressed. That explains to me why he likes staying with me, I'm just relaxing after I get back from work and go with the flow. Then she told me that she texted StepS13 an "I love you" and didn't get anything back. I called him that day and he picked up for me. I'm starting to think that StepS13 (who wanted to move back down here) is starting to realize that W wanting to be separated is what's causing him to have to stay with his dad and not be able to move back down.
I guess I'll have to think about how a post-D life will be w.r.t. W, because I'm not sure. What I've been doing the last couple of weeks (remain more distant and I don't ask about anything unless it has to do with the kids) seems to have triggered some increase in her communications with me. She has called me more often, a lot of times about almost nothing and then she'll ask about stuff and try to make conversation for a bit. Just this morning, I saw that she sent me an email with a link to a funny YouTube video. Then this afternoon, a msg saying she had gotten the boys new clothes... Neither one needed a response, so I didn't (I would have a couple of months ago).
I have the urge to respond of course, but I keep telling myself that that's what I have been doing for the past year and it hasn't gotten me anywhere, so it's a cheeseless tunnel (pretty sure about that by now). Plus, what I am doing now seems to have made her take some kind of notice. I think I'll keep this course for several more weeks. Then I'll be overseas for work for 4 weeks: go dark during that time. Then reassess??
It's too bad that SS13 is feeling the results of this, but she will have to deal with his disappointment because she is responsible for him not being able to move back down.
I know the urge to respond is strong, BTDT. Glad to see that you have recognized that it wasn't working for you and pulling back has generated some results. Keep doing what works, get rid of what doesn't work.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
And I miss him too! I have known him since he was 2, when I met W and he's like a son to me, just as much as the twins.
About 30 minutes ago, W calls to tell me the boys have been good at school today. Granted, one of them pulled cards all week last week except Friday, but that call wasn't strictly necessary. But she talked about other stuff afterwards, a show we used to watch together that she's now watching again. I did mention at one point that I saw her msg, but was in and out of my office all afternoon (which I was).
All in all, pulling back and mentioning the splitting of bills and stuff has generated some results, so we'll see where this goes for a little bit...
Thanks pearl, for stopping by, I'll have to check out your thread later tonight.
Hey Sam, I think you are approaching this pretty well right now and I wouldn't change anything.
Trying something and watching for a reaction is a staple of the DB-technique. You've tried the 'more distant' approach and have noted an improvement. Keep milking that for awhile.
I would not become more distant in a way that causes negative feelings (i.e. blatently snubbing her).
On the house topic, I would be pleasant, but not feed her delusions. I would say something like: 'Houses are a very long-term investment. Buying one just to be near us may not be good if our relationship doesn't improver and I need to move on.'
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
