Dan texted me this morning to ask where church was. He must have gone there to meet us and we weren't there. Church had a campout and the service was outdoors on someone's farm. But it was raining. So I didn't take the kids. Oops!
Anyway he showed up at the house (it was a Dan day) and hung out with the kids for about an hour. I was working on cleaning out closets for back-to-school. Then he took them for lunch and they were gone a few hours. Came back and got changed to go swimming but the Y pool was closed so they came back home disappointed. Changed into play clothes and went out with him while I kept going on my project. Nathan made a big deal about how organized his closet was. I love him!
I went to karate and did my practice, then Dan showed up with the kids for Nathan's practice. It was terrible, he has been fussing about practicing again and it showed. His teacher loves him, you can tell, but she told him if he didn't agree to practice with me every day this week, he couldn't test for the next graduation in two weeks.
Dan got irate again and I really don't blame him because Nathan has a really bad attitude about practicing and it is such a struggle for me in particular as I am generally the one trying to get him to practice.
We got home and Nathan wanted to ride his bike. Dan told him to ride and figure out why he didn't like to practice and tell him after he was done. He came back and said he didn't like to practice b/c it was "Too much work".
That just set Dan off. He made Nathan go in the back yard and look at his playset and see what "Hard work" could accomplish (Dan is building the playset).
After Nathan left Dan was fuming to me about what a bunch of crap it was, he would have accepted a different reason to quit karate but not 'too much work'. I couldn't/wouldn't let that go. I said, "You know, you are the one who said that trying to fix our marriage was just too much work".
He sputtered and then said "Well that is different, that takes two people and his karate is just up to him". I said, "Yes, it takes two people and I was willing to work." Then I let it drop and went out to check on my flower beds. But I was so aggravated because he is the one giving up on us b/c it is too much work yet he won't tolerate the identical attitude in his son. Which is more important, karate or a marriage? Geez
When they were heading for lunch (kids out to the car already) I asked him the name of his firm. Figured I would then be able to share it with my own attorney when the time came. He told me their name and then said he didn't really think that Sunday afternoon with the kids was a good time to discuss the situation.
I just said that I didn't really want to discuss anything I just would like to be forewarned before someone shows up at my door.
He said that he did NOT file, that he already told me before he met with them that he was not going there to file, just for advice. He said "I don't know what i am doing yet".
Oh well. It was actually a very nice day all in all. I got a ton of organizing done while he had the kids all day. And the previous day I got the remainder of my back to school shopping done, so I am in good shape!
I find it completely unsurprising that a six year old has trouble with sticking to something for the long haul. I'd be a lot more surprised if he wanted to. I'd even say a break might not be a bad thing.
BBJ, do what YOU want. Don't leave any important decision up to Dan. He's already told you he doesn't want to work on the M, he throws that farm back in your face as an excuse every time he gets angry, and he's disrespectful to you and the kids in more ways than one. Take control! Do whatever you feel is right for you!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey BBJ, sometimes when you are not in the thick of things it is easy to tell people to move NOW. Incidentally I agree...wholeheartedly. However, it is obvious to me that you are still IN. I (probably we) do not quite understand it with all the info. you have supplied regarding Dan. In all honesty even if he were to come back, what chance is there that he would come back a changed man? When I think back, I was in a similar situation emotionally. There is a limit to what we can accept. Some of us reached it and said screw this....others still hang on to the hope that someday the person we used to know as our spouse suddenly comes back to who they were. I am sorry to say this but I have never heard you say anything really good about Dan upto and including your days prior to marriage. Of all the folks that I follow / read, there is no doubt in my mind that you can do better than Dan. However, you are not at that point and as I always say: at the end of the day it is your decision.
Unless it is truly need to know info for Dan when he asks these questions, then no response is really necessary. IMO ..you are feeding in to the games that he wants to play. This ..being a dimwit dufus H and father from a distance and essentially in absentia is BS. Don't play along with it. Shut it down ..lights out on ole Danny boy. Let him try and find his way around in the dark. It is his choosing to be in the dark, so let him deal with it. Don't enable the behavior. I am not saying to be nasty but just let his distant voice trail off and fade. If he feels like the communinication is not what he would like it to be between himself and his family, then make him adjust what he is doing. Don't you be the one to make adjustments in what you are doing to make things better for him. He is not entitled to that luxury anymore. But if he wants it bad enough he will have to switch around what he is doing. Don't bend for him. Make him do all the lifting and the working. In due time we will know what he is constructing or destructing. It will be born out soon enough. You step back from his crap and let him do all the maneuvering ..whatever it might be.
be praying for ya.
T
what i said earlier (even though I did catch that you mentioned the the continued chitter chatter and the like between you and D had happened before I origianlly sent this to you) !
Send him off to the proverbial leper colony where he belongs BobbiJo. And strongly consider having him make arrangements to have his kid days anyplace else other than YOUR house. He is a toxin that needs to be expelled from you cuz you are not one of the kids so you have no need for him in his present toxic state. treat him like the hazardous waste that he presently is ..which is to say to find a far away area to put him at. And once you have done this then the boy may grow to resemble more of a man. God may reach him when he slinks to the depths that he will go once you cease fully and completely any enabling type stuff .. don't say it bit show it through solid consistent actions ....Sayanora (sp?)
And as always ..MEGA prayers for my sponsor family. ceaseless prayers!
Hey Bobbi, I agree with Johns post entirely. You are one the sitchs I read where I also think, wow, you dont have any good things to say of this man and he has treated you badly (?) going back to age 16. I also understand that the heart wants what the heart wants and you dont sound done.
On your son.. at 6, things should be enjoyable? There shouldnt be pressure to achieve and be made to practice an extra curricular thing every night? Sounds a bit exacting and perhaps Dan should lay off him and let him be a child and have some fun !!?? Or is that just me, as I am quite a laid back lazy person! I understand he wants to instill good values of hard work in him.. but.. he is only 6!
As for pressing him details of the lawyer and he says he hasnt decided yet.. why dont yuo drop it? Never mention it. Dont ask him, dont mention it. I think OneDay did this, she just went ahead and quietly processed the D and had it sent to him. I'd suggest either doing that, or drop it yourself and carry on as a separated couple, if you are not done. But, you just keep doing more of the same.. reminding Dan of things he said/done, how he is letting you and the family down, how he wont work on the M and it just seems that these things arent working Bobbi.
As for cleaning out closets when he came over. What would he think if you had been doiong something else instead, something random, carefree and entirely unexpected and unbobbi-ish? Just a thought.
You sound very strong and together though and I admire you for that Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
As for pressing him details of the lawyer and he says he hasnt decided yet.. why dont yuo drop it? Never mention it. Dont ask him, dont mention it. I think OneDay did this, she just went ahead and quietly processed the D and had it sent to him. I'd suggest either doing that, or drop it yourself and carry on as a separated couple, if you are not done. But, you just keep doing more of the same.. reminding Dan of things he said/done, how he is letting you and the family down, how he wont work on the M and it just seems that these things arent working Bobbi.
Or how about BBJ going on the offensive and let Dan go to his lawyer when he has to respond to BBj's filing....
Dan's gonna keep doing what Dan does cause Dan can get by with it...
