Have to meet my boss tomorrow. Getting all my ducks in a row, so they say. Sorted about 500 forms to find 17 kids who might qualify for my program...
Hope the meeting goes well tomorrow. Starting to get tired (almost 2 am here).
Starting to go numb. I don't know if there is anything my husband could do at this point that would surprise me. And you would think that would be shocking or depressing in itself. But instead I feel removed from it?
I am disappointed in myself that I even talked to him on the phone earlier tonight. How could I allow him to make small talk with me after texting me that he could not 'deal with me' anymore? That his hate of me spilled over onto his own children?
I realize now that I never allowed myself to fully rage at him for the sh!t he has pulled the past years. But so much has passed, at this point I don't even know why I would. I wish I had though, when I should have. Fear of losing him kept me from ever fully feeling the anger...dumb
No, no dumb. Just human. You loved the jerk. As I did mine. Learn and move forward Bbj. We cant just stay stuck, watch life passing us by hoping they will join us someday. It's a waste. They made their choices. Time to respect their choices no matter how stupid they are. K
He asked about meeting up Sunday night (the 'go over details' thing). I told him to just email me whatever he had on his mind and I could email a reply. He repeated that we could get together Sunday evening. I said there was no need to get together, just email me.
Great job. Perfect way to handle him at this time.
Went to bed at 3. Nathan woke up at 2:00, crying. So I went against our rule and let him get in my bed. When I got in he was tossing/turning/crying. Wonder if his teeth were hurting from the dentist.
He proceeded to bury his knees in my lower back the duration of the night. I kept moving away and he would just roll closer. I am so tired!!
Around 3:30 (still awake) I was suddenly hit with a thought. Did I ever matter to my husband? I can remember so many times when we were 'together', the way he would talk to me, say my name so sweetly, he could sound so loving and happy...
But in hindsight, I wonder, was I special?
Don't 2x4 me, I am not talking self-esteem, ego boost. I know I am a valuable person. I mean, to him.
Was I all the things he said i was to him? Best friend, lover, listening ear, loving touch, etc etc. Or was I just a means to an end?
Did I matter more than the girls in the magazines, the movies, the strip clubs, more than ow?
Don't know why that should occur to me now, when I have decided I will just accept him being done and get this whole thing over with. But, it does matter to me.
Did I matter more than the girls in the magazines, the movies, the strip clubs, more than ow?
Bobbi Jo,
From what I've read, it seems clear from his actions what his priorities are. I don't think you and your son are in the top 3. I think you listed the top 3.
Don't know why that should occur to me now, when I have decided I will just accept him being done and get this whole thing over with. But, it does matter to me.
Why did occur to you now? Because you have stopped trying to love Dan and have started to detatch fully from him. It's going to take more time, but you are on your way. The day that you don't even think once about talking/texting/communicating in any way with him will be the day you have let go.
BBJ, I wonder the same thing about my xh. I often wonder if anything he ever said or did as true and done with real feelings toward me or if it was just an act to get what he wanted at the time. We will probably never know BBJ and that is just te sad truth.
Personally, I'm so disillusioned about R's and M that I could not see myself trusting any man to be honest with me enough to form that kind of bond. I hope that you will be able to separate Dan's actions and words from those of other men and move forward with your life fully. You will be happy no matter what though! I have NO DOUBTS!!!
Let us know how the meeting with your boss goes!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
