The interview didn't go so well. The job just didn't fit my experience, I just don't know much about radio frequency stuff.
However, the interview with another company I had today went very well. The hiring manager said I will definitely be getting a call from him. It will be a couple of weeks before they can make an offer because they are waiting to finalize a contract that will expand their business by about 60%..... There's a catch though, I think I would have to start on a night shift...sigh. We'll see what the offer is and go from there.
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I finally got to talk one on one with our MC about my affairs/indiscretions. She wants me to go to a sex addicts anonymous meeting because much of my past behavior was compulsive, which I agreed to do. It did feel good to be able to talk to her about it.
We are still working through the hurt I have caused my W. It isn't easy and some anger boils up every now and then from both of us. She still loves me though and that's what makes me think that there is hope for us. We continue to ML even as the details come out that she wants to know about.
W was asking me how I was feeling after talking to our MC and about her wanting me to go to SAA. I told her it makes me feel broken and defective, like something is wrong with me. Keeping the secrets gave the appearance that I was a "good man", when in reality I was "no good" at all. Living in denial for so long got to be a bad habit, "It's not so bad, as long as I can keep my secret and protect my loved ones from the awful truth, It will all be fine." I was hurting myself and my loved ones, I was only fooling myself.
Our MC has great hope for our situation because of the love that my W and I share for each other. Our willingness to both work hard and to find answers. I think W is working harder than I am now.
I'm not sure I would have been able to face all of this if it weren't for everyone here supporting me along the way. You know I love all of you all here for that.
Wow Cinco...you and Mrs. Cinco are so much impressing me. The statement you made about her working harder than you are now is so poignant, considering where you started out on this journey.
Did you ever ask her or figure out what it was that finally triggered her to want to try? Did she just "come to her senses" in a new way? Or did an event happent that made her realize you were about to walk out the door? Of course, I know the real answer she snapped awake is due to your prayers for her to do so, but I am just wondering if there was an event that occured that opened this door?
DQ - It was an event that was the final trigger. It was the week before I was about to hand her a letter saying that I could not live in a marriage like this any longer. I was so withdrawn and I'm sure depressed looking to her, she knew that our marriage was in crisis.
Also she had been trying by stepping up ML, but at that point it still felt like a chore from her without feeling. From her side, she was feeling that she was doing her part, trying very hard to step up her physical affection towards me and still not making me happy. She finally was as frustrated as I was and that's when she wrote her letter to me saying that she was ready to really work to repair our marriage.... she couldn't live in a marriage as it existed.
Through it all I continued to pray that if we were truly meant to be together that we would be shown a way to make our marriage work again. I asked for the chance to open our hearts to each other, a chance to share our love and to know each other in deep and meaningful way.
We have been given our chance to love and grow together once more. It is truly a gift to be given this opportunity to heal our relationship. It's a gift we have been given and that we are giving to each other.
Also she had been trying by stepping up ML, but at that point it still felt like a chore from her without feeling. From her side, she was feeling that she was doing her part, trying very hard to step up her physical affection towards me and still not making me happy.
Do you have any specific advice on how to move through this stage? This is exactly where I am right now, and I am finding it very frustrating. We are both getting frustrated and sometimes it is leading to fights immediately before we ML. She feels she is doing enough. I feel like it's very planned and devoid of feeling.
I don't know how to take it to the next level. Sorry for hijack, but this just sounds way too familiar.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I want you to know you are an inpiration to me in many areas. Because you have been so open and worked so hard through your own situation, I have been inspired to work harder in mine. You have been honest to us about your affairs and the pain that they brought you and your family, and that has helped add strength in moments of temptation for me. At a time that I have seen many friends and relatives end their marriages and the ease of giving up seems alluring, watching you and Mrs. 5 work through your challenges has helped me to see true love involves a real committment to "good times and bad."
I just wanted you to know while you are going through tough (but important) times, that you have made a difference in my life (and I'm sure many others here as well).
CB
Last edited by CharlieBrown; 09/11/0909:39 PM.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Also she had been trying by stepping up ML, but at that point it still felt like a chore from her without feeling. From her side, she was feeling that she was doing her part, trying very hard to step up her physical affection towards me and still not making me happy.
Do you have any specific advice on how to move through this stage? This is exactly where I am right now, and I am finding it very frustrating. We are both getting frustrated and sometimes it is leading to fights immediately before we ML. She feels she is doing enough. I feel like it's very planned and devoid of feeling.
I don't know how to take it to the next level. Sorry for hijack, but this just sounds way too familiar.
Spellfire no need to ever worry about a hijack I'm always happy to help anyone where I can.
For us some of the changes came when I spoke to her about "choosing her". Many times Mrs Cinco would complain that it didn't matter to me who I was with as along as I was having sex. This, I had to explain, was not true. When I first met her, and as we got to know each other, I made the decision that she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I chose her.
"You are the one I wanted to get to know on a deep level. This was no fling for me. You are my true love. My choice is to be here with you, if it wasn't I would not still be here. My choosing you however is not enough. I want to feel chosen by you as well. I need to feel your love and affection for me in a physical way."
Slowly... very slowly she has reawakened that part of herself that wants me. Our ST/MC has helped her a lot with this too. Reading DB, SSM and PM have helped as well. Once she realized that I wanted HER, not just sex from her, the shift began to occur.
Another difference is in the way that we ML. There is no rush anymore, we might spend an hour or more touching and kissing. Also we ML about 1-2 times a week. In between ML though we still show affection with kisses, hugs and snuggling at night. Touching each other without it leading to sex. Sometimes there is no intention of sex and then it just happens anyway. It has helped to leave the possibility open with no certainty of it happening.
Of course there are still nights (or days) when we know we will ML, but it doesn't have to.
"You are the one I wanted to get to know on a deep level. This was no fling for me. You are my true love. My choice is to be here with you, if it wasn't I would not still be here. My choosing you however is not enough. I want to feel chosen by you as well. I need to feel your love and affection for me in a physical way."
This is exactly what my W needs to hear from me, and it is exactly what I need her to absorb. She is still convinced on some level that I only care about sex and not her.
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Slowly... very slowly she has reawakened that part of herself that wants me. Our ST/MC has helped her a lot with this too. Reading DB, SSM and PM have helped as well. Once she realized that I wanted HER, not just sex from her, the shift began to occur.
That's awesome and it gives me hope that if I can get the message across she may respond.
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Another difference is in the way that we ML. There is no rush anymore, we might spend an hour or more touching and kissing. Also we ML about 1-2 times a week. In between ML though we still show affection with kisses, hugs and snuggling at night. Touching each other without it leading to sex. Sometimes there is no intention of sex and then it just happens anyway. It has helped to leave the possibility open with no certainty of it happening.
This is also a huge one for me, not so much in taking our time since we set enough time aside to do so, but in the sense that touching always leads to ML. The weird thing about my W is that she doesn't want any touching whatsoever, because she knows she wont be able to stop once she gets turned on. This means that unless she has allocated time to ML, there can be no kind of physical contact (besides a friendly hug). The thing about allocated time is that it is not spontaneous, and I can't initiate anything when I am most interested. Often by the time the scheduled ML comes around, I am not as into it because the lack of spontaneity is a mood killer.
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I hope this helps you spellfire.
It helps me a great deal, because there is not as much info out there about such a specific stage. Thank you very much for taking the time to respond.
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
It's been some time since I have posted here, almost 2 months now. We (maybe I should say, I am) are struggling again. We made so much progress for so long. Now I feel like we are going backwards. Just simple touching (hugs and kisses) annoys her again and I don't know why.
Our ST has encouraged me to back off and to give her space, but dang it, I don't want to. I want our physical R to be something that feeds us and enriches our lives. I feel like I am starving again though. The R drains me instead of enlivens me and I know that is backwards.
My job is draining me too. It's the worst job I have had in over 25 years and it's killing me. It's not physically demanding, it's mind numbing. I am so bored, each day just drags on. I am still actively looking for something else but I can't leave this crap job until I have found a real job again. We need the money. I'm trying to make the best of the sitch but it is really hard to do.
I did interview for a demanding position that would challenge me once more. I don't know if I have the job or not yet.
It seems that no matter how much I try to give myself to the world and give myself to my W, they don't want me. I have really felt this for much of my life. Even our troubles all those years ago started this way. As my W began to reject me at home, I was also struggling to get ahead at work, move up in the company.
I eventually gave up and withdrew inside of myself, lived in fantasy instead of in the real world. Instead of working hard to realize my dreams, I wasted my time just dreaming. What I thought was the world and my W rejecting me was really my rejection of the world and her. I could never see my part of the problem until now. I'm trying to change that with all my might, but I feel weak.
It's not all gloom. We are still working together. We had a wonderful evening where we ML just a few nights ago. It's just too far and few between. I need more and I don't want to slip back to our old ways ever. Each time I think we have finally got it right it never lasts. It shouldn't be this hard.
