That's a good question, and a fair one, so I'll try to give it a fair (if not necessarily good) answer.
The first part of the answer is, "time." When I went to Big Midwestern City in April, around the time @polly posted her missive reproduced just above your post, I was finally able to detach in the sense that I was dropping (as @puppy put it at the time) a thousand-pound rope. One of my biggest fears from February to April, in that initial post-bomb shock and early DB phase, was that I'd never be able to go home again -- WAW and I had met in my hometown, and I courted her there, and so I was afraid that there would be too many associations.
WAW called me while I was in the art museum there and wound up gnawing on my ear for nearly 2 hours, and as I walked up and down Magnificent Boulevard in the rain afterward, it dawned on me that I didn't know that person anymore. But more to the point, I didn't know MYSELF anymore.
Around that time, a couple Florence Nightengales came back into my life -- one I'd known in high school and one in college. These were purely platonic/electronic exchanges -- both of them were experienced in the damnable World O' D.
And so we mutually commiserated, and told stories about our kids, and about our lives, and groused about the Republicans, and the usual stuff you do with old friends. One thing they both did, independently of the other, was tell ME stories about who I was to them back when they knew me -- and it was like hearing stories about a total stranger. I couldn't remember that I'd been That Guy (see many, many posts around the boards by @robx and some recent posts about Monsoor Le Shmedlap by @aliveandkicking). It was like meeting myself for the first time again. And I realized just how much of myself I'd subordinated to my M, how much of "me" I'd buried -- quite unconsciously, mind you -- to the task of being a "married man" to WAW.
And that's the second part of the answer -- I've found me. Sitting on a bar stool, wet and happy with the local papers, in the Happiest Place on Earth in Big Midwestern City, with the trains a'rumbling just outside the window, sipping on an Irish Coffee and chatting up the Young Lovely next to me, I decided then and there to Return To The Source -- to be, once again, the guy I once was.
And since then, that's what I've been doing. Now this is all a very long answer to a short question, but it matters for the following reason -- That Guy was indefatigable. He didn't just walk. In some respects, it was his downfall in a number of situations, but he stuck. It was a lesson he'd taken from his childhood, where everything was topsy-turvy and higgeldy-piggedly and upside-down, with an abusive, alcoholic father, and a demanding, borderline-abusive, my-way-or-the-highway-mother, and a neighborhood full of bullies eager to give the Young Smiley's Person his daily whippin' whether he needed it or not.
But -- That Guy was also decisive. When he decided, tortured as the decision might be, he acted. He could burn bridges -- and did -- and never look back in regret.
So.
For the time-being, I'm sticking. I'm waiting. I'm evaluating. I...have....time. Time is my ally; time is my friend. But there will come a moment of decision -- just look at our friends @Thinker and @aliveandkicking. And when that time comes, I will act. I will decide. Ruthlessly, cleanly, on the basis of all available information, and with an eye not only to what is good for Themselves -- which would, even 2 months ago, have been my sole criterion -- but also to what is good for Me.
This was a lesson I learned from a very important person on the Great European Getaway. Selfless decision sounds wonderful, very Christian if you will, but there's a reason why The Christ did it and the rest of us can't -- he was, after all, The Christ. (And I say that in all respect, though I be the Grand Poobah and Head Mo-fo In Charge of the Loyal Order of Heathen.)
How does that square with the notion that "it's best for the kids"? Fairly well, I think. The fact is, I never bought into the "staying for the kids" argument -- I think that's the wrong prescription for the problem. If a Walkaway is going to walk, s/he's going to walk because of the spouse, not the kids. But the Good of the kids ought to be a criterion, and I think (based if only on the many, many dialogs on these boards) it seldom is -- Walkaway tends on average to be pretty self-focused.
At this stage, the kids are living the Spiers Doctrine. Doesn't mean they like it, or that they're happy about it -- and in some ways, now the shock is wearing off, they're acting out about it -- but they are adjusting in their kidly way. Which is sad, but encouraging, because it means that they're not doomed and I, should I fail at closing the DB Deal, will not have failed them.
I'm 47. I've been happily single, I've been happily married, I've been unhappily married, I've been to war, I've been Smiley's Person, recipient of the D-bomb. That was all then.
We don't live all that long in my family, so I'm well on my way along the downward side of the power curve. And I can see there's a lot of world out there. That is now.
GALing did that. If only I'd known how much fun there was to be had! No, that's wrong -- that sounds like regret. I knew there was a lot of fun to be had, I just didn't think much of it was mine for the taking -- I was too focused on being The Husband and Father. Because my father didn't stick, I would stick -- by dam, how I'd stick.
So why haven't I walked away? I might; I might. I might not. It depends on whether WAW has 180'd, doesn't it? This "save your marriage even if your spouse has one foot out the door" is a clever idea, but -- as we all learn -- it imposes a disproportionate share of the work on LBS. And I did it. I did The Work. I bore the load.
Now I see myself as an Equal. I did my Job. WAW has continued on her path throughout, and that path has only detoured because of the intervention (or withdrawal of intervention) of Signore Schmuckatelli -- had that not happened, there's no reason to believe WAW wouldn't still be full-speed-ahead. WAW's possible/potential/theoretical change of heart (or, at a minimum, change of evaluations) was -- I have to believe -- precipitated more by Signore's dumping her than by my DB'ing (mind-reading! -- true enough, correlation is not causation, but the temporal linkage is, shall we say, curious).
So I'm going to do what WASs seldom do -- I'm going to keep an open mind and give her a chance. Is she worthy of the SP she helped create? That's a seldom-noticed dynamic in, for example, the Saga of @Coach and @Greek -- to hear Coach tell it, The Greek proved herself to be so. And to hear her tell it, she had the self-awareness to appreciate what her task was. Those are unusual people, which is why they are who they are.
I'm not convinced WAW has that self-awareness; if I know her at all, there will be a limit to how much crow she will permit herself, in her POV, to eat. She's an obstinate and prideful woman, and pride goeth before the fall -- but I've never seen her yet swallow her pride in favor of taking a fall, and that's not mind-reading that's 22 years of experience.
And mind you, I wouldn't force her to take that fall, but I suspect we will define the point at which she would become Wile E. Coyote to be quite different. She's impatient and demanding -- we'll go to Fabulous MC#2 a couple more times and she'll start demanding a decision -- I can't wait around forever, she'll say.
But me. I am on my side. I'm looking out for me. I owe that to myself -- to be That Guy once again (decrepit, Middle-Aged version though I be).
And time. Time is on my side. So I stand there, on the precipice. The only move will be to jump. To jump, and to see.
I've been where you are SP. I didnt jump either. You described my thought process as well. I was hoping he was ready for the work, I was looking to see committment...
I dont regret it. I was wondering how we still expect them to show us they ar emuch better than what they are showing us already.
Coach and Greek are not a common story. No OPs and relatively FAST recovery. That allowed damage control. At least that is how I see their love story.
I wish your wife surprises you SP. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT show any mercy. They need a much bigger BOMB to get their heads straight. K
So I'm going to do what WASs seldom do -- I'm going to keep an open mind and give her a chance.
Hard to pick which piece of poetry to highlight here but really this is the beauty of the true evolution of a LBS...and I am proud and will give us credit for this.
To have the strength and the courage to commit to our own well beings, detach, walk through the grueling fire of separation, divorce and all of its inherent pain and loss AND still simultaneously retain a willingness to see WAS anew, perhaps as a prospect among many, always deserving to be viewed through a new lens should he or she, against the odds, man or woman up to our new and well clarified standards. Sweet relief it is...as sad as this whole tearing a family apart is, what a gift to experience it the way we have. Holy cow, this is living!
...walk through the grueling fire of separation, divorce and all of its inherent pain and loss AND still simultaneously retain a willingness to see WAS anew, perhaps as a prospect among many, always deserving to be viewed through a new lens should he or she, against the odds, man or woman up to our new and well clarified standards...
Hmmm...At this point I feel like I can't get far enough away. I'm not joking when I say I've actually been pricing out places to live in sunny Island State. Every interaction is a bad reminder, indifference, or a return to the good ol' days of "you're not doing this, that, or the other thing right." Couple that with the demand from the other side to reconfigure the arrangement into this new thing called co-parenting, include BFF as the co-mom, and you'd better be happy with it. Nah, I don't want to play this anymore.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Wow, SP, I have to say I am so proud of you. Your Mojo boogey has not only become a regular go-to phrase when us others are feeling good, it has taken on a life of its own.
I feel like someone that knew a celebrity before they were famous and could say I knew him when.
I don't think you need to make any decisions right now. I think you just let it ride - mojo style.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
O-Dawg! When I went to Big Midwestern City in June with the kids for Family Wedding, Themselves and I went to a birthday party for one of D's friends who moved from Coastal State to Big Midwestern City about 2 years ago. While there, little friend's Grandmum, who is divorced (40 years ago kind of thing), had a chat with me. What stuck was this: "Don't wait too long. Don't wait around like I did. Because in the end the only person you punish is yourself."
At the time it didn't hit me the way it did on the Great European Getaway. I told WAW it would suck to be her someday, but when I told her that I only suspected it would be so. Now I know it sucks to be her, because she's giving off all the "it sucks to be" cues -- like saying, "Aw shucks it sucks to be me."
The old saw about living well being the best revenge? As soon as I made it All About Me, that whole sense of "I don't want to play this anymore" evaporated. Now I'm the agenda-setter. Now I'm the boss. I get to call the tune, and she has to pay the piper.
As @aliveandkicking says, she's going to have to cowgirl-up to meet MY standards -- and those standards are getting higher with each passing day.
And don't even get me started on Florence Nightingale.... That really put the zap on WAW's brain. Which is ironic, you know, what with Signore and all.
@The Wifey: Absolutely right. I'm Jeff Spicoli, baby. All I need is some tasty waves and a cool Mojo buzz, and I'm fine.
We had a request for this one. Hope you all like it. 1-2-3-4
Quote:
Well, I just got into town about an hour ago Took a look around, see which way the wind blow Where the little girls in their Hollywood bungalows
Are you a lucky little lady in The City of Light Or just another lost angel...City of Night City of Night, City of Night, City of Night, woo, c'mon
L.A. Woman, L.A. Woman L.A. Woman Sunday afternoon L.A. Woman Sunday afternoon L.A. Woman Sunday afternoon Drive thru your suburbs Into your blues, into your blues, yeah Into your blue-blue Blues Into your blues, ohh, yeah
I see your hair is burnin' Hills are filled with fire If they say I never loved you You know they are a liar Drivin' down your freeways Midnite alleys roam Cops in cars, the topless bars Never saw a woman... So alone, so alone So alone, so alone
Motel Money Murder Madness Let's change the mood from glad to sadness
Mr. Mojo Risin', Mr. Mojo Risin' Mr. Mojo Risin', Mr. Mojo Risin' Got to keep on risin' Mr. Mojo Risin', Mr. Mojo Risin' Mojo Risin', gotta Mojo Risin' Mr. Mojo Risin', gotta keep on risin' Risin', risin' Gone risin', risin' I'm gone risin', risin' I gotta risin', risin' Well, risin', risin' I gotta, wooo, yeah, risin' Woah, ohh yeah
Well, I just got into town about an hour ago Took a look around, see which way the wind blow Where the little girls in their Hollywood bungalows
Are you a lucky little lady in The City of Light Or just another lost angel...City of Night City of Night, City of Night, City of Night, woah, c'mon
L.A. Woman, L.A. Woman L.A. Woman, your my woman Little L.A. Woman, Little L.A. Woman L.A. L.A. Woman Woman L.A. Woman c'mon
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
