"I'm only pointing out behavior (mind-reading) that's disrespectful to me. If daughter has a problem with me, then we'll discuss it. I am not doing anything to make myself feel better...that's you mind-reading. Everytime you do it, I'll point it out. Stop mind-reading and there will be no need to point it out. It's your choice. I respect and value you, wife."
This is the fine line of setting boundries, while at the same time, showing validation and compassion and love. It's a tightrope, and a rollar-coaster...all bundled up!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
You sound like you're in a pretty good place right now, mentally. Keep working on yourself, get stronger and wiser...and let time pass. It's a healer! I'm glad you're detatching...good for you! Hard to imagine that one can detatch while still loving, cherishing, and caring unconditionally for one's spouse...but one can! I appreciate you stopping by GIMA. Thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
School starts in a few days for the younger kiddos. My 11 y/o son and my 12 y/o daughter and I have been getting along really good over the summer...they are a true blessing to me. Even my youngest daughter is being more loving towards me these days. I am a better father now than I've ever been in my entire life. I can tell that they are respecting me more and more as time passes...and I've remained consistent. They both really enjoy it when it's their time to come over to the house and stay with me. Oldest daughter is sort of stand-offish with me right now...it's a rollar-coaster with her too! She was around and saw the anger, resentment, and abuse that I dished out to her mom...and my oldest daughter was on the receiving end of this behavior too! She tells me that she's not ready to be "buddy-buddy" right now, and she says she's working on it...and asks that I just give it a little more time. I told her that I understood, and for her to take all the time and space that she needed...that I was patient. She told me 'thank you' and said that she loved me and would stay in touch. I'm riding a lot these days. It's so good for me in so many ways! I really enjoy having my kids over at the house...it's so much more comfortable, for all of us, than it was early on. I'm in great physical shape, pretty good spiritual shape, and if I get in equal shape mentally...I'm gonna be out of control!
I'm sorry that all of us here are dealing, or have had to deal, with the heartbreaking stuff that we have. And I'm sorry that many of us here, especially me, have made the mistakes that we have. I hope that good things are in store for all of us, and that we continue to grow stronger and better...and be the kind of people that we yearn to be.
Best wishes always,
antlers
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hey Coach...I never got your input on an E-mail that I sent her back around August 8 regarding some of the stuff that we talked about. Here is that E-mail...
"Wife, You have made it clear to me how you feel. I have listened, and agreed, with how I treated you. Now, I'd like to let you know how I feel.
I've done a good job of turning around. I meant business! I truly understand what I did, and I have deep sorrow.
I'm remorseful. I've shown you that I am sorry and have taken the blame for the way I treated you and that I understand your feelings and anger and disgust.
However, your way of talking and communicating to me is often disrespectful. It is no better for you to talk to me this way than it was when I was doing it to you. We both know that I was wrong in the past; and I can't defend or make excuses about my past behavior. I'd like to establish a two way level of respect.
If you shouldn't have had to take me talking to you that way (and you shouldn't), then I shouldn't have to take it from you either (and I shouldn't). I believe you know this to be true.
You've made it clear to me, as far as our future goes, that it's over and you're done! I accept that. Acceptance is not agreement. I accept that it is your choice. It is not the choice that I would have made.
Regardless, I care for you deeply, and I love our three children with every ounce of life that is in me.
Sincerily,
Antlers"
I meant what I said, and I said what I felt. I tried to walk that line that I mentioned earlier...setting boundries, and at the same time...doing it with love and compassion. I felt better after I'd sent it. It's a change from how I've been so far.
I'd like to know your opinion of this, Coach! Your insight has helped me a lot since I've been here. Thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I just ran across this again, and it's so good, that I want to post it again to remind myself of the knowledge that is contained within it...
"Imagine pulling with all your might on a rope tied to a elephant's leg that doesn't want to move. Tension on the rope, the elephant's getting torqued, and you are wasting all your energy and getting no results. The elephant just ain't moving. So why keep pulling on the rope? The goal is to get the elephant to move. Release all the tension between you and the elephant. Catch your breathe and try something different. The elephant is not going to move just because you are trying with all your strength, want it to and would love it to. The elephant moves when it wants to. Drop the rope. Do something for yourself and see if the elephant gets interested enough to check it out. Be a elephant whisperer ! You do what is healthy and productive for you." - Coach
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I think Coach has giving you great advice in the past, and I print out posts as reminders for myself. Many of his thoughts, yours, and 25MLC are amongst those. I like this one about the elephant.
While you wait for Coach to respond, I have a question for you about the email you sent your wife. What change, if any, have you observed in your wife since the email? Any shift in terms of respect, boundaries, communication, etc? Just curious...
