Of course you care BobbiJo. You loved the guy he was. And then he turns into this. That had to hurt, really badly.
BobbiJo, it's all about him. You are just in the path of his anger. I think it hurts so much because you know you didn't do anything to deserve this treatment. No one deserves to be treated like that. And you know that there is a Dan, or at least was a Dan, that would never have been capable of that.
I can't do anything to help, but I'm not going to be giving you a 2x4.
OK I suck. .....I know you will all 2 x 4 me for caring at all when he is so horrible. How do I turn it off???
Sweetie, you DON'T "suck"!!! What you are is a warm caring woman with real feelings and it hurts when somebody you love (or loved) treats you like crap! And unfortunately there is no "off" switch to the caring heart. If there was, I'd have found it long ago! But, remember, these feelings that hurt so much are also the best parts of ourselves! It's that warm heart that makes you a wonderful mother, daughter, friend.......
Hang in there, BobbiJo!
((((((hugs))))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Disregard most of what your STBXH said - he is being a "Drama King". Dont let him push your buttons. You need to remain level headed and strong.
I think there is some sort of law about sabotaging finances so as to short change the other spouse in a D. Also, hiding assets or income is something that Dan's L will tell him is a big no no.
Now would be the right time for you to file as the petitioner. As Mike said a while back, and I agree with - the petitioner has a bit of an upper hand. Once a petition is filed with the court, this would essentially freeze assets. He could then not do something stupid like cash out his 401K. Your L should also setup pendente lite support.
With Dan's current anger towards you, it is best that the negotiation of divorce details be between the 2 lawyers who have no emotion involved. If Dan has a knowlegable L, he will be educated that it is not worth fighting it all the way to a trial.
Let the cute match.com guy know that you are going through some turmoil right now and it is best if you hold off on any dates until things settle down.
When my H made crazy threats like your H, my therapist asked, "What does it hurt you? He took on this debt alone and any further debt he takes on alone. So his actions have nothing to do with you."
He's trying to bully your rational side into his crazy reality. Please read, Patricia Evan's "Controlling People" until the end. In short, he is abusive and you need to say, things like "What?" when he tries to drag you to his crazy reality. He can't explain questions like "What" because they makes no sense to you and he has no sense.
Bbj, he is mean and nusty and probably shocked because of what the financial consequences of the divorce are. He may even be affected by his latest OW that thinks "that is too much to pay". Sorry, I had to get it out of my system. Dont let his words affect you. You are now entering a whole new phase, it's called "it sucks to be Dan". Keep it just business.
As far as the "why cant you turn it off", well, I have no idea. Struggling with the same thoughts and emotions. As I told myself last night, at least I know that my love was real and I am true to myself. Love K
So Mike, I think I get your point....let's see, all woman are crazy? Ok, I think I have it; men are pigs and women are nuts. Sounds like a good title for a book!
I never said that..I said Kim was and is...
of course W.C Fields once said this..and I do agree to an extent.
“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.” W.C. Fields
BBJ..we have a saying here in Tennessee..."[censored] them and feed them beef" dan being a cattleboy...notice i said boy, that saying fits him well...
I'll say again..you need to move...you need to file...you need to drive the train...
he's had plenty of time to hide finanacial stuff, move stuff around...and do what ever else he has done....he's stalled for a reason...and it's not because he don't know what he wants...he has some other reason..and it's probably all about the money...
he's had plenty of time to hide finanacial stuff, move stuff around...and do what ever else he has done....he's stalled for a reason...and it's not because he don't know what he wants...he has some other reason..and it's probably all about the money...
I think I know exactly why he stalled. He drew up a list on paper, assets/debts. According to the L he went to (mine said it too last year), you just line them up, cancel them out, and split the difference. Since he moved out in January, he bought his house, bought a new car, bought a manure spreader, windows for his house...all have big debt. So now I split half of his debt. So he won't have to pay me as much in a settlement b/c he offset his $$ with new purchases.
Plus his 401K is on the rise, it was 85K then in the financial crisis went to 30. It has come up to 55K in the past 6 months. So I am sure he wants to cash it out before it grown again, just to keep me from getting it..
I knew he was 'broken', and I knew he was hurting, but I didn't know he was plotting. Sorry I didn't listen, Mikey
BBJ..listen..no matter what you hear..Divorce is never easy, it's never nice..
there is always an ulterior motive for anything that is done..
go file...go file now...go get a good lawyer..and turn the dog loose on him...and use all that you know on him to offset anything he has done...
Divorce is mean and nasty..and there are times you will mneed to get in the dirt with him to get what you want and need to protect those kids and make sure their needs are met..
But, remember, these feelings that hurt so much are also the best parts of ourselves! It's that warm heart that makes you a wonderful mother, daughter, friend.......