I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

Had a few interactions with W this weekend - all were good, non-confrontational. Even had a couple of friendly conversations on the phone - more than just logistical info, but more personal stuff. Certainly no R talk.

She did have me pick up kids at a friend's house - another avoidance tactic, to keep me from the home. I didn't make any deal out of it, didn't say a word. When I arrived, W was there talking to her mom-friend. I asked mom-friend if I could take her 2 girls with my girls out for ice cream. She agreed. We had a great time - at least this mom still talkes to me, somewhat.

Anyway, Sunday night I brought the kids back to the home, and we conv for a bit - a short visit, but it was nice. From what I could read, she was ok with it too. Friendly, as though nothing was wrong. We even hugged when I left, although it wasn't real warm, I have had colder hugs in the past.

Labor Day - family friends came to town, but apparently I was not allowed to hang out with them. W planned the day with them and the kids, and the plans didn't include me. I felt punched in the gut by being excluded (again). I can only wonder what the family thinks of me now... Did she poison them with her version of "10 years of a bad marriage"? Did she say nothing at all? I wonder if anyone even asked about me.

Well, nothing I could do about it anyway. I have hurt feelings, though. I hate how the friends "we" had are now only "her" friends, and there's some unwritten law somewhere that prevents them from speaking to me.

Maybe that's how you find out who your friends really are...

[1853dave]

It's Friday, and nothing really to report. No contact from the atty, and the W hasn't said a word about meeting for developing a parenting plan, or determining how to split the finances. She really hasn't said anything - it's as if life is just going on, and none of this "stuff" is really happening.

Our D date is set for Oct 12. When W dropped the bomb again last week, she said we need to meet to discuss all of this stuff, but in her typical fashion, nothing has happened. So, we supposedly have a month to sort all of this out - but she seems to not be in a hurry... She picked a bad time to be doing this - she's real busy with school now, and will get busier at the end of this month. I really don't know where she's going with this.

I don't spend much energy thinking about this anymore. I wouldn't say I'm resigned to it - I just feel that at this point I have done so much for me, for her, for the relationship, that at this point I going to stop swimming and just float. Just hang out and "be there" and see what happens. If the D happens, at least there's some closure for me from this awful limbo-land I'm in. That's not what I want, but I can't control that. In reality, though, right now I'd be somewhat surprised if she actually does go through with the divorce.

W has no income. She's busy with nursing school. Time is getting tight for her. She has scheduling and daycare conflicts. If the D happens, the condo will have to sell - there's no way in the world she can afford to keep it. She can't even afford it now with the money I give her today. That money amount is going to decrease a bunch in a month. She has acquired a bunch of debt; she can't get another credit card (I don't think) - and if she did, the credit limit would be pretty low on it. Anyway, she would have to be making income in the form of a job, which might have to be full time for her to make it on her own. When that happens, say goodbye to school. School would be over. She LOVES going to school... I just don't see her jeopardizing her school and potential career in nursing.

We were working on piecing a few weeks ago, and things were going ok. A little tough at times, but overall, we were planning for the future, talking about budgeting, laying ground rules, etc. We were not lovey-dovey, but we were more personal with ourselves than we were with others. We would hug when we greeted, and hugged when we parted. But then there was the key incident. Two days later the 3rd "D" bomb. Here we are 10 days later, and we are back to the usual routine - I pick up the kids, drop them off, we're friendly to eachother, we're friendly on the phone... I did hug her on Sunday, but I think she was giving me that "What the he** are you thinking ?" look, but she did hug me. I haven't touched her since. I left Wed evening after bringing the kids home, and I let myself out, and as I did I heard a projected, "Bye, have a good night, Dave!" eminate from the kitchen. She could have said nothing, but she sounded like she didn't want me leaving without one final bid...

So, that's where we're at. She asked me to pick up the kids early on Sat morning so she could go to a day-long CPR class. I told her I would, but then rethought my plans and told her last night I can't be there until 10am. I decided that I am not going to reschedule my entire life again for her to go to school, only to have her D me later. She can deal with her own scheduling problems. So, she's trying to figure it out on her own. Maybe she'll see that I won't be so handy and available once we're divorced. No, I didn't tell her any of that. All she knows is that I have things to do myself on Sat morning.

I called her this morning and offered to pick up D4 from preschool, so I can spend some time with the little one today. She was ok with that. This also relieves her of having to hurry back to town right after class to pick up D4 - so it does her a favor as well.

Man, I would think that if I were her, why would I want to leave a caring, helpful guy like me?

Well, it ain't over yet, as they say...

[1853dave]

Oh, and I guess by "stop swimming and just float..." - I think I'm saying that I'm ready to drop the rope. I'm still hopefull, but after this year from he**, I have finally realized that no matter which way it goes, I'll be better off than I am right now. I will start to gain control over my life. I'll be able to start planning my future once again. I'll slowly start picking up my interests where I left them off (such as flying). I'll recert my EMT, which is now expired. I have a lot to do. I hope to go skiing this winter, and I want to take the kids with me. They like ice skating, too... I could see spending a weekend at a ski resort - I've never done that before, and I think it'd be a blast!

So, if W comes around and wants to be part of it - I'm onboard with that. If not, too bad - I guess she'll just have to miss out.

[motoB]

Hey Dave, long time no speak. Im so sorry about whats goin down now. The last time I was here, things were getting better for you, then when I got back... bad things. I think you have a good handle on it, you kinda always did. Its not over... all I can say is dont give up the good fight man! Either way your still an inspiration to me, and others too. Im praying for you.

[1853dave]

Thanks MotoB,

Well, I am not giving up, but I am going to let be what will be. I have already laid the groundwork, it seems, and if we stay together, great; otherwise, no matter what happens I'll soon be in a better place than I am right now.

I'm still somewhat scared, but at the same time I am finding an inner peace that things will be changing for me, and getting me out of this limboland. Either way, things ought to be better for me soon - although I'd prefer my W to be by my side.

So, we'll see. More to follow as it develops.

[GoBison]

Dave you have put up with a lot with your W. It is time that she is on her own. Hopefully you can work a better plan out with the money sitch before the D so that she can really see what things are going to look like after the D. Time for her to do some work on the M. Good luck with everything.

[1853dave]

OK, so I had the kids for the weekend - was housesitting for a friend, so I had a place for them to hang out, cook dinner, etc. We had a nice time.

I find out late yesterday that D9 had girl scout meeting on Sunday (today) at 3:30pm. One would think that W might have told me this during the week - but no, as is her custom, I don't find out until late in the day the day before. So, this screws up my Sunday plans.

Whatever - so I bring D9 to the girl scout meeting, with D4 still in tow, and W shows up and says she'll just take D4 home with her now. D4 and I had plans, she said "I want to spend time with MY kids..." and I remind her that they are OUR kids...to which she doesn't even respond. By now, D4 is crying, b/c she wants to go with me instead. W tells me "She'll be alright..." I'm pissed off in the inside by now - I'm so sick of her being so two-faced. I told her I would have D4 home by 5:30 anyway, and she said I could drop her off at the meeting place at 5pm. Now again, changing the plans. So, I finally ask her what she wants me to do, and she says she is just going to take D4 home now, and come back later for D9.

My heart aches for D4, she was really crying. But, before W showed up, I spoke to one of the other moms who is a family friend. Told her I was taking D4 for a bit, and I'd have her home at 5:30, etc...in case she saw W she could give her the message. Friend also saw me hugging the girls goodbye (after W showed up) and also saw D4 crying wanting to be with me instead. So, now she knows what the plan was, saw some discussion between me and the W, and then saw D4 balling, and not going with Daddy.

So, I walk out to the car to put the kids overnight bags and stuff into W's car. I tell W "You know, we don't HAVE to do any of this..." and she says "There is no anything." What does that mean? So, I say "This , I mean this whole thing." and she says "I don't want to do this in front of D4 right now." Well, we shouldn't do it in front of the kids, of course, but she NEVER wants to discuss anything. She is continuing to avoid, avoid, avoid.

I keep my cool throughout the encounter, and even tell W, "You know, I am trying to be as cooperative as possible, but I keep running into a wall with you." and she says "I'm trying to be cooperative too..." Yeah, I wonder when THAT is supposed to start.

So, I give my sobbing D4 a hug and kiss, and tell her she can call me later. She says she'll miss me. I tell her I'll see her real soon, and we'll do something again. As I leave, I tell her goodbye. W just kind of walks off with her, so I call to W and say goodbye to her too, and she turns and says goodbye. She was just going to walk off and say nothing.

I am so angry at what W is doing - her stupid, uncaring, and selfish actions are hurting the kids - but apparently she doesn't care. I hope D4 gives her he** tonight!

[1853dave]

Monday PM I talk to the kids on the phone - eventually then the W. She tells me that D4 and D9 both get off of school on wed at 3:30 - and did I want to pick them up. I told her sure, as we usually spend time tigether on Wed anyway. Then she tells me not to take D9 somewhere and leave D4 behind at preschool. I say "What?!?" and she repeats her statement. I then say "What in the world are you talking about???" She was worried I was going to take D9 and leave D4 alone for a while. What in the heck is she talking about?!? I assured her that A) - I have no intention of leaving anybody anywhere, and B) I plan to pick them both up since their schools are literally right across the street from each other. I could not understand her crazy talk.

Yesterday late morning I get a call and e-mail from the atty's office - saying that they are scheduling mediation for us on the 28th (happens to be my 10 year anniversary - nice, huh?). I wasn't expecting this, but W's attorney I believe is driving the train on this. W is so darn passive, that her atty has her hooks in her and is guiding my W towards the D.

Anyway, last night the kids call me again, and eventually talk to the W again - and she sounds 100% great - and was conversive, like there was nothing happening. It was like it was back when all was good in the marriage! I don't get it.... So, we had a nice 5 or more minute chat on the phone, and that was that.

Wednesday - today - I see the DB counselor. We discuss the next step. I told her W was willing 2 weeks ago (right after the last bomb) to see the C to discuss things, like a parenting plan, and cooperating with some stuff. C suggested that perhaps a letter, carefully worded might be the thing that pulls at her heart at this point. She has seen this happen in counseling with my W, but now W refuses to go to counseling. So, the letter is probably the next best medium. She gave me some guidelines, which I think were helpful.

We discussed the remote chance that W would return to counseling. She asked how I felt about that, and I told her I wanted to ask, so we planned that.

So, after counseling, I called W right away (before she left for the day) - she sounded fine - in fact she didn't make it to the phone in time, but she called me back a minute later - so at least she wasn't totally avoiding me. I told her I got an e-mail from the atty office regarding mediation that Monday - and she said "yeah, I saw something about that..." (What?!? - was it really that incidental???) I told her that she suggested some time ago meeting with C to discuss things, maybe instead of going to mediation. She said she forgot about that (how convenient) and I told her I spoke with C today and she has time next week. I asked W to think about it, and she said she would. She then said she was afraid that the C and I would gang up on her and make her agree to things she doesn't want. I told her that would certainly not happen, as whatever gets decided upon will be reviewed by both attys and a mediator and then a judge... She still thinks (on the outside anyway) that I have my C "snowed" and that we will strongarm her into something that she doesn't want.

So, she was friendly on the phone, and I think the conv went ok. I asked her to let me know soon, so we can tell the C to schedule us. W then tells me that she has been thinking about how to split things up, and that she doesn't want to "screw me over." It was as though she was trying to provide me with some assurances... I just said "OK", and that was why I thought it a good idea to meet with C before going to the attorneys.

So, we'll see if she agrees to go.

[motoB]

Man Dave,
Sounds like we are in the same boat... I dont understand it at all. What do they think they will gain? My W basically get all my money right now... and still seems to have trouble making ends meet(though I suspect shes stockpiling)she is real good with money, and would live off spam just to save a few bucks...whats her plan after the D when she only gets the child support? Im afraid she may have something or someone else lined up... but I hope thats just paranoia on my part. They both seem to have this everythings great attitude, never mind what theyve done to their families, and how it will effect everyone, especially the kids for the rest of their lives. Yours I think will have a serious wake up call when reality sets in. Maybe the seperation of all the goods and finances will work in your favor. My W was writing down her list of wants the other nite, and seemed unaffected by it(I know because we were in a texting conversation then)She told me she was past the hurt a long time ago. I dont really believe that, cause Ive seen it in her a few times. Then theres this new issue of contact that shes let us have, shes talking to me all the time now thru the day and up until bedtime. Not to mention shes letting me see my daughter more... as it stands this coming wekend Im suppose to get her Fri-Sun. When we talk its always nice, like good old friends... but we have a no R talk rule. What do you think I should do? Ive made my intentions clear, and she said she just dont feel that way anymore... I think if she can see the me that she initially fell for then maybe I can spark it again... this crap is so frustrating! Isnt it crazy how much our sitch's have in common? Wish I had something more to help you brother, but Im kinda at a loss right now. As always your in my thoughts and prayers.
B.

[1853dave]

Hi MotoB,

I don't have much time right now - but I had e-mail from the atty this morning. W's atty sent over the initial settlement proposal. Basically, I give her 90% of my pay, accept a bunch of her debt, and give her the condo. Yeah, where do I sign???

Totally ridiculous.

Had slight talk with W last night about scheduling with the kids. Right now I am down to only Wed during the week. I don't like that, and I let her know. She says we'll have a set sched soon. I mention that I really like to see them every day. She scoots me out the front door and starts to lay into me, saying that I want to keep the kids from her, and I get sole custondy! I tell her that's not what I want - she won;t let me speak - eventually, I get a work in edgewise that I meant every day as in "not divorced." She assures me that she is going through with the divorce, I've told you several times, yadda yadda....

So, I leave, and a few minutes call her back to see if she would call me later or tomorrow to talk about a few things. She said 'not tonight' but maybe tomrrow.

Today she actually called me at 10:20. I could not believe it. I thought for sure she'd blow it off. The fact that she went out of her way to call me is still something to me! This is out of the ordinary for my angry WAW. I told her I only had 10 minutes, but I wanted to ask some questions. She said 'ok', so I asked her what made her decide on seeking the D after things had been going so well for those few weeks. She said, "Oh, we don't have time to discuss this now." I tended to agree, so I mentioned that this was one reason I was hoping we could meet in counseling - so that we could clear the air on a few things, so to speak. I also mentioned that the attys are now stirring (I didn't tell her I got the above e-mail) and once the attys get involved, then the entire world falls apart. I reminded her of how things started getting much better between us as soon as the attys got out of the way earlier in the year. I was afraid that once the hate mail started flying, that things will get adversarial, as a natural byproduct of the D. I told her I want to keep things friendly and cooperative, and she agreed to that.

Personally, unless she decides to come around, I don't really think there's any way to keep it friendly with these attys involved. Their job is to keep it unfriendly. I hate them all.

In the interest of her wanting to keep it friendly, I hope that she opens her eyes when we go to mediation. By then there will have been some cruise missles fired both ways.

I might have to ramp up the time frame to send that letter the DB counselor suggested. I'd like her to have it before the atty warfare starts up.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I know I need to protect myself, but that is also a bit like preventing and preparing for war. I'm trying to do both.

If any of you know a good prayer, rain dance, howl at the moon - whatever it takes - now is the time for it! I need your help!!