No, the job problem is still a problem. The meat business is very nasty, cut-throat. He told our MC 2 yrs ago that it is a 'soul-sucking' job that kills him a little each day...
He had it out with his boss and told him he was ready to quit. However the boss lives in Canada and Dan is basically the boss of everything in Omaha as he is second in command only to the boss. So they will have a hard time firing him since he is in charge of....everything.
That being said he did say he could not live this way any more b/c it is going to kill him. I noticed looking at him that he has probably 20% gray hair now. I don't know the last time I actually took time to look at him, but I know a few months ago he had only 1 or 2 gray hairs at all. It was kind of shocking to see actually.
He said he cannot live this way w/ow anymore or with his job or with his family situation. What has kept him torn in half is that she divorced her husband to be with him. So when he looks at how upset Nathan is he thinks also of her family (she has a son around Nathan's age a little younger I think) and feels guilt. Anyway he said he feels responsible for her being a single mom with no money and even if he knows she made that choice he still feels guilt for his role in it.
He also said he is concerned that the porn thing has been prevalent in his life since college. He doesn't know what that indicates but he knows it isn't good. Thinks it means something else is missing somewhere but he doesn't know what.
Said she is still in KC b/c he doesn't want her up here, he knows that it would never work for them to 'really' be together, mixed family, going to family events, etc etc. He said he NEVER wants our kids to meet her and doesn't want to be involved in her son's life.
He said he cries all the time and has had to walk out of work a few times b/c he just starts crying. He went out with a mentor of his, Doug (one of his 2 main cattle partners and mentors, Doug is in his late 40s, married 20+ years w/kids). Anyway he asked Doug to meet him Monday night and they talked and Dan said he started crying in front of Doug too and had to leave the table. Said he told Doug he thought he should work on making us better again...
There is lots more but the bottom line is he acknowledges at this point that he is screwed up and at the pace he is going now he is headed for an early grave. I told him I will not believe anything without actions which is why he needs to start 'doing the work' to fix us.
Sooo, he is feeling reponsible for her being a single mom and not for you? For her son and not your 2 angels?
He told you how they came up with the decision not to have her move closer? Great. Now it makes sense. They only stick to a long distance relationship. You should be grateful!!! What did YOU say to al that?
Bbj, I just dont know what to tell you knowing you still love him. I would question myself though, what is it that you love in him. He has been acting like a jerk since...forever. Where is love, a healthy relationship? Did you ever have a healthy relationship to where you hope you can go back to?
Just dont let him fool you once again. Do as you feel like but please keep your mind adne eyes open. Love ya M
Somebody called me cynical yesterday and proceeded to explain the origins of the word. I think she was right.... I don't know how someone goes from seeing a lawyer one week to looking for retreats the next. But he acknowledges he is screwed up and I am sure you agree .... so I guess I have my answer right there. OW divorced her husband...can it be that he promised to do the same and got cold feet when the lawyer told him how much it woould cost him? There I go being cynical again. Whatever the reasons for his change of heart, I just wish I could be more excited or dare I say it positive about it. Have not said this in a while,,,pulling for you BBJ!!!
bbj, this is not a marriage issue and no amount of retreats or marriage counseling will help. Dan can not have a good relationship with anyone until Dan is good with Dan. If he had said he was looking for a retreat for himself instead of the marriage that might be reason to pause,
I am sorry to be blunt but these are the questions I have had to ask myself. This is my opinion of course, but marriage counseling would only serve a purpose after Dan works on Dan.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I think you still let the petition get filed. But, during the process over the coming months, you will need to do some heavy soul searching in yourself as to whether you can ever truly love him with all your heart again. His actions after filing will be telling. If he wants you so bad, he will need to prove it without much discussion or work from you.
I know if my W had a similar conversation with me, my first immediate thought would be a sense of relief and optimism that she was finally coming to her senses - that all I had been working for was finally coming to fruition. However, I tend to be an optimist and see the best in everything without sometimes giving enough weight to the negatives in a situation.
My second thought would be - how do I know it's real, how will I ever trust her again. How transparent will she be willing to be to make me feel comfortable when she gets on the computer, takes a phone call outside, goes on a business trip...
I think you have to go very, very slow here. Is he just telling you the things that he thinks you want to hear? You're exactly right when you tell him actions speak louder than words. He is flip flopping all over the place so you have to question the sincerity. Obviously you still love him, you have a family together so if he can really change then that would be great to save this marriage. However he has so much work to do in order to really prove himself - there is plenty of time to just sit back and see exactly how sincere he is, no need to rush anything.
Way back in late '07 I am pretty sure they made a deal that they would both leave their spouses. Actually I am sure it is something they prob talked about in summer '07 when their PA was just going full swing. But then the rubber hit the road in November '07 after I caught them together.
Her H filed IMMEDIATELY. Even took her son away for several days before he found out he legally couldn't do that and had to share...At that point her H was out of the picture and I know from the texts I intercepted that in Dec '07 Dan was telling her he would end it with me after the holidays with the kids...
Hence his plan to get his own apt. in February. It was under the guise of 'needing space while we figure out if we can work things out', but I am sure it was part of the master plan to be with her.
Then the sh!t hit the fan at work, although I never know how much to believe, maybe he was running from her desire for commitment? At any rate he moved to our hometown 2 1/2 hrs from KC and never got the apartment.
I know from the texts of hers I read in '07 that she pushes the pity button well (example: 'if you are looking for me I am out on the curb where everyone has kicked me'). So I am sure she doesn't miss an opportunity to remind him of their 'deal' and how she kept up her part and her life is a mess now, etc etc. I don't feel any pity b/c she chose what she chose. But he does.
I don't know what will happen next. If I don't see a real action plan coming from him I am signing the papers Tuesday after our extended holiday weekend.
Last night I told him that he told me back in Feb "I don't know how to do this without you, I am trying to figure out how to make us better" and here we were 7 months later and nothing was better. He acknowledged that. I said I refused to go another 7 weeks let alone 7 months. That he had a matter of days not weeks to show some true effort or I am done.
And I know he needs individual help. If we go to one of the couple's retreat things, the ones in consideration are all one-on-one, meaning 3 days or so of just one couple with a team of counselors, several hours a day. The group thing like retro doesn't work well for us b/c he doesn't want to open up in front of others. Anyway my point is I would think those counselors could point out to him that he needs IC. If he decides not to pursue it, then I know he isn't really invested in growth and change...
I get what your saying BBJ. I am glad you are not having expectations.....
but, ummm what about the "deal" he had with you. The "guilt" feeling BS he is trying to pitch to you is to make himself feel better and you feel sorry for him. Which I know you don't.
I mean he's ditched her for over a year now... he bought a house where you live.... what did she think... he's still worrying about her? That's doesn't sound over with to me.... and you know I know what that sounds like.
I really wonder what he is saying to her to keep her strung along. Me smells a liar to all parties involved. I think Dan smells your serious about this and is reacting and jumping to your actions and GAL and the change in you is visible.
Take Care and remember believe nothing of what they say and only half of what you see.. or whatever it is! ACTIONS .. you are right to expect those.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
(((((BobbiJo))))) I think you have to sign the papers in any case. If nothing else they put into place the protection that you and the kids need from his potential asset hiding/stealing. There's nothing that says you can't stop the process later, but there's no way he can do anything in the next four days to convince me that you can trust him.
What did YOU say to al that?