A Crossroads

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, Sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it. I agree with saffie. I can understand it's difficult, but try not to let the BF issue bother you. Nice to see you are popping in to vent here. He will never be able to replace YOU in Wee mans eyes. Think of it this way, Wee man will get your undivided attention with you. Show him fun times!
Great to hear that FIL will be visiting. Keep taking the high road. You may always have a relationship with them. you never know. My dad was always friends & did things with my mom's father.

You are lucky to have such a good & maybe well,crazy friend to set up at date for you! Have fun! Good luck in the mini marathon! Your bike trip to the highlands sounds wonderful!

Stay strong!

PS. Love your statement - so true
Live life for now and let the future take care of itself!!

[Can it work]

Hey there MsM. Thank you for your kind reply.

I'm feeling a lot better about things today. My FIL was past last night and we had a really good chat. It was just general chat though and nothing serious. It was good to know that I could still laugh with him and pass the time of day without it being awkward. Him and my MIL are looking after Wee Man today while I'm at work too so it was nice to drop him off this morning and have another wee chat. I have noticed that they've finally taken down my wedding photos. It struck a bit of a nerve since they were the last ones I knew were on display but it was probably past time to take them down. That chapter of my life is closed and the future is yet to be written. Who knows what it may bring?

Thank you for your support for the mini marathon MsM. Unfortuantely, it was last Saturday and it was cancelled due to gales. Not to worry though, I'm not going to give up my running now as it's really given me the bug. I'll just have to make sure I'm ready for all the runs next season.

My crazy friend is still of the opinion that she's going to find me someone special. I've decided myself to stop looking though. I'm going to concentrate on enjoying myself with the hand life has dealt me. I have a wonderful wee boy with a birthday coming up in a few weeks, great friends, a good job, and an active social life. I'm sure things could be a lot worse! I have to discover ways to be happy being alone too. I've been feeling as though I need someone in my life to take away the lonliness. That's the wrong reason for having someone though. I first need to be happy in myself so that one day I may find someone who wants to share in my happiness - not be the cause of it. That's a mistake I made in my M. My W was completely responsible for my happiness and I need to be very careful not to replace her with someone who will be the same. Somewhere along the lines I've forgotten the DB rule that I am responsible for my own happiness. It's time to start living that rule again!

Life will never pass you by if you embrace every moment on the way through!

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kev, Good to hear your PMA is returning. We all have our down days & moments. I think you are right one of the hardest parts in the DB process is fighting the loneliness & finding your own happiness. I seem to struggle with that myself a lot. Guess, I should be doing some more GAL. I was never good at that.

For me anyway, I have spurts where I take up reading R books because if another R does pass my way I want to be more knowledgible. And in some strange way it seems to give me comfort. I read Hold Onto Your Nuts. It's a man's R book, but it was very interesting. Now I'm reading What Your Mother Didn't Tell You & What Your Father Didn't Know. I'm only half way through & this book is very good as well. I guess I like reading books that give insight as to why people may act or think the way they do.

All this has taught me that we learn & go to school for our careers & to be successful. Learn to drive or be good pet owners, the list goes on.... Yet, at least in my own case, I did not learn how to be successful in an R or M. And coming from a D home, I was already at a huge disadvantage to make an R or M work. Add that my xh, came from the same boat, I guess, it was bound to fail. Make any sense? Hope I didn't bring your PMA down with all my thoughts.

You are a good man & your inlaws should really have no reason to dislike you. They love their daughter, yet it doesn't mean they approve of her actions or choices. Have a nice evening with Wee man!

[Can it work]

Good morning MsM

You're so right about not us not getting the right training in life to deal with relationships. Like you, I too am from a D home but my W is not. That's one of the reasons I hoped she might stick with it and fight for our M. Her parents have been through bad patches the same as any successfully married couple. They always worked out their differences though and are now as happy as they've ever been. They even tried to tell my W when she was talking about leaving that they'd been really close to separating on a number of occasions but are really happy they persevered and worked through it. My W wouldn't listen though. Her mind was made up and nobody was going to change it. So, that's why we are where we are.

I stopped reading R books a while ago MsM. Mind you, I was reading all the DBing books which in the end I feel gave me hope and a way to try new things to save my M. I still believe that they'll work for a number of people but they never claim to work for everyone. Maybe I do need to try the books you've suggested in case of a new R.

It's very hard for me at the moment to not just fall in to a new R because I have had a couple of opportunities. I'm resisting though as I don't think it's fair to involve anyone in my mess of a life just now. I could just go down the typical guy route and not care what happens as long as I'm getting what I want but I feel if I did that, I wouldn't be me any more. Saying that, it's becoming harder and harder to resist. For the company if nothing else. I've never been one for playing the field so I think I'm just going to remain as I am until I'm sure in myself that I'm ready to make the next step.

Thank you for referring to me as a good man MsM. I do my best! Lol. I know that my inlaws have no reason to dislike me and I know for a fact that they do in fact like me. I've even been told by my W's uncle that my FIL thinks I can do no wrong. I know it's really hard for them to spend much time with me though when they feel that they're betraying their daughter. They have to be seen to be supportive of her whether or not they approve of her decisions. We're all adults and have to be left to make our own choices. Saying that, I could never in my wildest dreams known that I'd be marrying in to such a great family. Shame about the actual one I married! Lol. Hopefully, over time, things will smooth themselves out enough that we can all just get along as good friends if nothing else.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

You are welcome for the compliment, Kev.

I read an edating book where it said bother sexes should play the field (with limits, meaning no sex). Then, one has a chance to find the right person. I can see some truth in that. Never dated much myself.

Part of the reason I read R books, is that I get in crazy moods where I just crave the knowledge.

Hope you have a nice weekend.

[Golfgirl1]

Just stopping by...I think you really do need to live alone, find yourself again and become 'whole' before you can enter into another relationship. It's lonely, I am experiencing that firsthand, but I think you gotta be happy yourself first. My h told me last night that he's not happy with himself. He doesn't like himself and isn't happy and has been faking it for a long time. He's in therapy and I hope he finds that happiness, but I'm going out there and grabbing my own and not waiting for him!

[Can it work]

Thanks again MsM for your post and thank you Golfgirl and welcome to my thread.

I went down to visit my in laws last night with Wee Man. I only expected to go for a quick visit but ended up staying about 3 hours, having a few glasses of wine and really enjoying myself. Afterwards I got a text from my MIL telling me that she was realy pleased we could still do things like that and that she doesn't want it to change because we've all created a strong family bond. It was really nice to hear and I'll admit I was a bit taken aback.

While I was visiting them, the subjsect of my W's new BF arose as well. They've never met him but knew about him. My MIL even admitted to me that they'd been trying everything to get my W to reconsider her stand over the last few months but have finally decided to give in and just hope that everyone can come out of the whole mess happy in whatever way it takes. I'm fairly sure that their input probably didn't help with my DBing efforts but it was good to know they were fighting for us. They still think it's all my W's fault but I told them that I would never blame it all on her. There were faults on both sides although I seemed to be the only one who was really willing to try and work on those faults to give us a stronger marriage. Anyway, it was a lovely evening even though I feel as though I'm paying for those few glasses of wine today!

I agree completely with you Golfgirl that I need to become whole again. It's something I need to do by myself before I can even think about embarking on anything. I also agree with you MsM about playing the field a bit. In a way I'm already doing that. I'm flirting a bit with a couple of different girls and am getting a positive response. At the same time, I'm also being honest with them about where my feelings are with regard to my W. Until I can close the door on that completely, I'm not going to subject anyone else to feeling like they're second best. If however I do end up having genuine feelings for someone, I think it will help me get there. It's all going to be very slow though with no pressure. I'm succeeding in GAL as far as I can. It is difficult when my W and son were my whole life before but I am finding other things to enjoy. I know I have a long way to go but I think I'm on the right road.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Well, it was nice of the in laws to be honest with you. That took a lot on their part to admit they do not agree with their daughters actions. Yet, true, it probably didn't help your DB efforts. They were only doing what they thought was best. Be thankful you have such a close relationship with them.

[Can it work]

I think I need a bit of advice today. I had some very disturbing news about my W last night. Apparently, she was out with her friends on Saturday night and ended up fighting at some point. Aside from that she was also with a different guy than I thought she was seeing. I had my son for the weekend so I know he was away from it all. The issue I have is that it took some strong intervention from some of her friends to stop the police being called after my W assaulted another girl. When I went to drop off my son last night my W met me at the door to take him back. Normally I would just go in but obviously there was something in there she didn't want me to see. Whether it was a guy or a mess I'm not sure but I am beginning to get really concerned for my son's welfare.

I don't know what best to do about all this though. I know that if I try to discuss this rationally with my W she will immediately go on the defensive and nothing productive will come of it. I've also considered going to her parents but I'm not sure how fair that is. It's not only my son I'm concerned about. My W seems to be spiralling out of control and I really worry about her. She's a totally different person from the one I fell in love with and married.

So basically, I'm very confused today about what to do for the best. I'm not a confrontational person and hope that Saturday night was an isolated incident but I'm just not sure it was. I'm also pretty sure that some of my feelings about it all must be stemming from my own feelings of jealousy for her being with other guys. Am I reading too much in to it? I wish I knew. I'm tempted to just leave it for now and hope that things improve but in the mean time I'm not sure what's going on behind closed doors as far as my son is concerned.

Help.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Kev, That is a very difficult sitch. Sorry, I don't have kids, so won't be of much help. I would say keep Wee man's concerns & best interest at a #1 priority. If you choose to talk to her about it, it's probably best to leave her parents out of it. She's an adult not a child, even if she is acting like a child at times.

It seems many WAS's lives spin downwards.

Your a smart man, Kev, say strong!