Hey BBJ, how many of us here would have loved to have our WAS come to the realization that they were screwing up? Well if that is what Dan is doing and you still want in, then great. You know Dan better than anyone else (especially better than us on here), only you can look into his eyes. My spider sense tells me (here comes the cynic again) something is strange. The turnaround happened very quickly and very close to lawyer's meetings. However, if this is what you want and you think you can make a go of it, then GO FOR IT! Just a quick word of advice, the hard part is just beginning. Do not take any [censored] and stay firm with your boundaries. As always...pulling for you BBJ. By the way, not sure I understand why you need to be present when he breaks up with other woman. Is it because you do not trust him?
You are right, I do not trust that he will do it if I am not there. That is part of the 'actions' I am looking for. I want to hear the reasons he gives her for ending it. I want to hear him make it CLEAR, not for him to waffle like he has done so many other times. At this point with his track record I cannot just 'take his word for it' that he breaks it off with her.
I am not naive. I do not feel that we are out of the woods. In fact we are probably just now going into the woods. I have no idea if he will actually end it until I hear him do it. I don't know how the retreat will go unless/until we are there and doing it. I have not invited him back into my home, have not said anything to any family including our kids. I am not convinced but I am going to watch and see what he does.
BBJ, I never thought you were naive. I would not trust Dan either. This is what you will have to deal with going forward. But I guess you will cross that proverbial bridge if and when you get there. Keep your eyes and heart open!
I too made W end it with OM over the Phone with me present (as recommended by the book I was reading at the time) but they still carried on for a good while longer until she (or he) was actually ready to end it. So it won’t be over until it’s really over, if you know what I mean.
So as all the others have said proceed but proceed with caution, if you still have it in you to file then I would say file but still proceed with caution.
Believe me I have over-thought this, if possible. Point-counterpoint, if you will.
For example
1)H can give me access to his phone/h could always have another phone
2)H can give me access to his credit card statements/h could always have a card I don't know about
3)H can show me/tell me when ow contacts him/h could be selective about which messages he shows me
4)H can end it with her in my presence/they can get back together, as they already have in the past
So I know there are no guarantess here. I am looking for some good-faith actions at this point. Last August when he wanted to come back he was not willing to do the things he has suggested this time, which is a start. I will continue to view his actions more than his words and take it from there. Again, I have not asked the lawyer for my money back as I am still thinking I will probably need his services. And I haven't made mention of this to anyone in real life as I don't know if it means anything yet.
He said last night that he believes that things were good in the past (so much for my being the common denominator in his unhappiness) so, if they were good before, he believes they can be good again. Which is the basis of the solution-oriented therapy and the retreat he is scheduling.
If you are not going to file, talk to your L and find out if there are steps you can take to protect yourself financially. I'm really afraid Dan could use this time to hide/manipulate/move/steal community assets. There may be some way to freeze things such that he can't do it. If nothing else, it makes a lot of sense to find out what's there, so that you know if it goes missing. I have a feeling there are things you have no knowledge of.
I want to believe him, BobbiJo, but his history makes that really, really difficult.
I do remember you saying that if ever there was any future evidence of him getting back with OW that that would be it for you.
You might want to visit with your pastor to see what he has to say about the latest.
I think your lost H is being unconciously manipulative.
He kind of reminds me of my daughter this weekend who I warned multiple times to behave. Then, when I enforced the consequence, I heard nothing but "I promise to be good. I really will. Give me another chance."
I am not sure yet where we stand. I am going to have to really think about this and I have some questions for him I need answered.
He emailed around lunchtime "Call me at your earliest convenience"
I assumed he was backing out of breaking things off in my presence or some other part of our 'understanding'. I was actually going to be fine with it, as I have all my ducks in a row already.
Well, no, that wasn't it. He wanted to know how much my work insurance would cost. Apparently he is once again considering bailing on his job.
So I need to talk to him. I want to know what it is exactly that he hates about his job. Quite honestly I want to know if he has done something wrong that he is trying to run from. I don't know that he would admit it to me, but if he gets mad/defensive when I ask him about it, that will tell me he isn't ready to level with me, anyway.
I am concerned abouthim quitting this job without having anything else lined up. I know from looking at his bank statement that he has $15k in his checking, at least he did a week ago...I want access to that money if he decides to quit his job...
