#66 Looking for Susnhine...

[RefuseToLose]

Kalni,

I agree w/your feelings of "love" toward your stbx. I am a believer in the idea that I will always "love" my X, but not be "in love" w/her. I want her to be happy and successful in her life moving forward b/c I know that is what is best for the overall happiness of our D.

Do I want her back? Not a chance. They have a better chance of getting ice water served to them in Hell than I do of reuniting w/my X. No, but I do want her to find happiness w/herself so she can be a solid, loving parent for my D.

Hearing you can't seem to "hate" your stbx is understandable.

On the subject of stbx wanting you to act like a lady even though he treats you like garbage is interesting. My reaction to that is for you to remember you decide how you wish to intereact w/stbx. Also, if you take the "high road" id doesn't mean you've lowered your standards as they come to stbx at all.

Instead, this means you've chosen to be the mature adult in the situation and you've looked at how you'd like to be treated if you were in the other's shoes. Does he deserve to be treated like crap? Sure, but do you get any better by going down that road?

When I was going through the heart of my D, my friends and family would constantly ask me why I wasn't more outwardly angry at X. My response was simple: I'd ask them "How does being angry at her make me a better person? How does being angry w/her help me to learn anything positive from this situation I've been thrust into?"

The answer, at least to me, was it doesn't and it can't.

Just my thoughts, my dear.

RTL

[addie]

You are the only one that can take active steps to change your life. It is great that you are immersing yourself in your painting and jewellery making. I hope your paintings continue to take off.

[transformer]

So excited for the etsy plan!!!! Be sure to tell us so we can "heart" you!!!!

[Kalni]

Hi guys,
everyone out for a long weekend huh? Well, not in Greece

I had a quiet weekend with kids and family. I went and saw my monk today. He was here for a few days. I talked to him about forgiveness. He said it is far too early, he said HE is mad at stbxh for lying (him included). He said "destroying a famiy like that is worse that tearing down a church in God's eyes". You know I believe but I am not very...dedicated (dont know the right word) and the reason I like this person is because he is very down to earth and practical.

He told me to focus on my kids and keep my distance from H, he said "that may help him too". He actually said I shouldnt invite him to my son's birthday or school or anywhere. Of course I cant do that, for my son, not for stbxH. He is very much for tough love. gucci and puppy would love this guy. That harsh!!! He said stbxH has not hit bottom yet and I should expect to see him do. I doubt that.

Anyway, I am ok. Thoughts of them are fading quickly, much faster than I thought they would. I guess my detachement kept me protected some.

It has been raining in Athens and I love rain. Especially when in bed with someone. I think I will carry my D in my bed tonight and snuggle -LOL
Take care, hope everyone is having fun,
K

[kat727]

I like the rain during the day. I love to grab a blanket and a good book or put in a movie. Hate the storms at night as they keep me awake! The pain does go away and while you may be tempted to look back, it is way too soon. Even after a divorce of a year, parts are too soon to look at.

I know you are going to get through this. I am envious that Ali gets to meet you. Give her hug for me please.

kat

[mishka422]

Yes, it is too soon for forgiveness K. You will get there but the pain and dissappointment has to run it's course first. As kat said, even nearly a year after my D was final and there are still parts of my M I can't look back at without it stabbing me. Give it time.

I LOVE rain, like kat, especially during the day when I don't have to work and I can laze around on the couch or in the bed with a book. I'm reading a great series right now and I have accomplished NOTHING today because of it. Enjoy the snuggles with your sweet girl!

[Generosity]

Thanks for adding some sunshine to my birthday M, you are too awesome for words!

Your monk sounds like he's very clear sighted. It's difficult to stand back & let someone hit bottom.
On the other hand, it's more painful to keep the cycle going because you stop them before they go thru to completion

In solidarity...Sunny

[BobbiJo]

Enjoy the rainy night, I love to cuddle my kids on those nights, too...

[faithisbelieving]

The anger must be processed and expressed. This is not the time for forgiveness. Holding in the anger will eat at you over time. It's how you let it out that matters. Mars and Venus Starting Over is a great book (is it in print in Greek?). It was one of the key readings that elevated me to the next level of detaching and letting go.

What might work better tho'...is finding a handsome Greek man, a big bottle of olive oil and, while standing under the Temple of Hephaestus in the ancient Agora.......

....oh....never mind......

FIB

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K, Sorry I missed you this weekend, I was away again... I must phone you and make arrangements! We have the leave booked but no flight yet, but we are still arriving into Athens Saturday.

I'm so glad you got to see the monk, good for you. I understand what you are saying about him, he applies his faith, but in a pragmatic, real world way. He sounds like a sensible man. I see what you are saying about having to protect yuor son too and be the bigger person. Wow, you have really been through it this past 2-3 years (me too). I sometimes wonder how I made it, looking back and remembering just how depressed and devastated I was and evennow I wonder.. was it really all worth it?? Maybe I should have just accepted it and let go alot sooner, I doubt it would have changed the final outcome and I could have spared myself so much misery along the way. That realisation makes me want to tell the Newcomers that, but I dont bother to post, as you cant tell anyone and like them, I wouldnt have listened.

I'm feeling philosophical today! But then, I read somewhere this weekend that us early March born Pisceans have "paid our dues" and are nearly out the other side now.. I said September was an end date to suffering didnt I and we'd be out and never as bad again by October. Thats how it feels to me. I have this 2 week holiday to get through in September and some conversations about the future and then I will "know" by October and the saga will be in the past (but the memory of how bad it was will always remain hey). I feel it will be the same for you, altough we are walking different paths.

Cant wait to meet you mate and eat dinner with you! xxx