Picnic analogy

[Just_Me]

My W said that my changes "gave her the strength to move forward with the divorce" since she knew I'd be okay and would find someone else.

And you listened? If you were moping after her desperately she would be saying, "your weakness convinced me that I was better off without you".

[jmw128]

Yeah, kind of a lose-lose if you are thinking about WA. Only one way to win as LBS, GAL and be happy for yourself. Maybe they'll come to the picnic.

[Kalni]

I love it!! It sounds just right!!

Kalni

[Wooglint]

JM,

I listened and validated. I didn't believe it and still don't. It was merely my example of how shaky my W has built her "castle walls".

[jmw128]

I agree Wooglint. A way of putting guilt back on you and not themselves.

[Kalni]

Will this "bump" work? I think the picnic analogy is one of the best I have read here...
K

[Kalni]

I am bumping this again for some of you...

I read all the people here in newcomers struggling and I hate it. I guess it brings back memories of not long ago... I am still struggling at times.

There are so many of us here, that have been around for long that want to share our experience of what worked or didnt work in our cases. We talk about it and it seems we all feel we dont want to dicourage newcomers and hold back PLUS that we know that people wont "take advice in" until they are ready. But what we have to say, or at least what I have to say, is not meant to discourage anyone. I only want to help. A few things that I want to say to many of you are :

99% of the cases there is another person involved, PA/EA or both

99% of them follow the same patterns :distance, withdrawal, crazy behavior, anger, blow up, bomb. In most cases, although LBS's do have the 50% of the responsibility, the nusty side of them that appears has nothing to do with the LBS

Stop enabling your partners to keep cake eating. It shows little self respect and puts you in the vitims role:NOT attractive and definitely not effective

Stop consuming your thoughts and lives about what they are doing and with whome every single moment of the day. All those moments are WASTED from YOUR LIFE while they keep doing what pleases them

Stop stretching YOUR boundaries to accommodate them, they will "ask for more"

Stop worrying that a phrase, a phonecall, a look, could be something that can change your life, it can not, it is not that easy

Have some faith that things will turn out the way they are supposed to and in the meantime, LIVE your life as you are supposed to,

Alisuddenly asked me to add :it is... apart from extreme behaviour (being mean, unkind, unwelcoming, meeting someone else... ) there is VERY LITTLE, of nothing, you can do that will make them come back before they are ready, IF they are thinking of coming back that is,

and as my friend John210 says :one person can not destroy your life, believe that no matter how intense the pain is

Dont think you "know them". You are dealing with a different person so expect anything

When they will start thinking if they made the right choice, you will know. No need wondering. You will know, something shifts, you will get the "feeling"

Reconciling is VERY hard and you only have chances to succeed if they have had the time they needed to think things thru in their heads, so...be patient and make sure the time is right

Do follow Michelle's advice for 180's, improvement and self aware. Do use the time to start feeling good about who you are, reinvent yourself

Once you start feeling better, dont let them suck you back in...unless they SHOW you they mean they want to do their part of the work...

Some friends of mine said they will chime in... I hope they will.
K

[Lost Rabbit]

Thanks Kalni a very good analogy, I really felt that every time I knocked a brick off H put another whole course up, so I stopped passing him the bricks and hoped he was rubbish at making morter lol.. Still on a very long wait and see but intent on enjoying myself in the mean time!

[mishka422]

To add one thing to K's post (and please, please, please people....listen to what she is saying!), when your WAS starts showing interest in you again because you are making a life for yourself without them, don't quit what you are doing thinking that it's worked and now you can go back to the way things were. You have to keep pushing your own limits and keep doing so the rest of your life. This is about you, not about doing something to re-attract your S. Falling back into old patterns will only suffice to show them that nothing has changed and they shouldn't come back to what they left.

[addie]

Kalni - Great idea bumping this thread. I've been around for a long time but had never come across this thread. The Picnic analogy is a great one.

To all the Newcomers on here I would advise you to go back and read the first post on this thread of the Picnic analogy and to read Kalni's post on here from today. And Mishka makes a very valid point. Some good advice!!!