Hey TG!! It's a shame you missed this last update because it has been getting better actually. I need to be careful not to let myself become too optimistic and instead remain distant. I agree 100% with your assessment of being "distant without blatently snubbing her". Right now, I try not to be overly friendly when I talk to her, but I do try to make the convo pleasant. I let her contact me without going out of my way to accommodate her.
I think the main reason for the change is that she knows for sure now that I am ready to move on if I need to and actually I am (slowly) moving in that direction ever since I had gotten some more substantial indications that her friendship with OM is suspect (that's when I changed course).
Update of the last few days: Tuesday evening: I am doing my grocery shopping (before I get the boys on Wed night) and get a txt from W saying that one of the boys had to pull a card today. I was just trying to finish up checking out, so I was gonna wait until I got out of the store to respond. 10min later W calls: Did you get my text? me: Yeah, just got it but I am at the store and need to check out. Was gonna call you later. She tells me about what happened at school and then that they went out to eat. I tell her that I wouldn't have done that if one of them is in trouble. She agrees. Then she tells me about her new cats and a bunch of other stuff, making conversation.
Wednesday evening: We both meet at the boys school for a meeting with the boys teacher and the principal to discuss the behavior of the boys. She calls me "her best friend", and "an excellent photographer" when she describes me to the teacher and principal. When we leave, she asks me my advice on how to repair some painting. Then I go home with the boys. 30 min later, she calls. Says I wanted to call you while I was in the car, but my phone was dead and it was at home charging, so I am calling you now, I wanted to know what you thought about our meeting with the principal and the teacher? (in my head: You are calling me for that??? This is the most obvious excuse for calling!) I act like everything's normal and tell her what I think. Then she goes off on talking (actually mostly complaining) about the other people that she is organizing this festival with. Then she's asking me what to do with my photographs that were in her shop (that is now closed). That she wants to buy one of them from me for her place. Then she says that the lady that is taking over the shop wants to tear out the bar that I built in there. That she tried to convince her not to, but to no avail. That she wants to keep the countertop that I built, since it it looks so nice, that it's such a shame to tear it out, but that lady is going completely gung ho redecorating. She then says how she is SOOO relieved not to have that place anymore. Then she asks me when I go overseas for a month for work. I tell her and then she tells me that she can take care of the house, "because she will probably end up staying at my house" (in my head: her apartment lease is up right while I am gone, so what's THAT all about??).
During this 30 min phone call, I am just staying cool, not getting emotional one way or the other.
Today: Actually, no phone call today...
This course seems to lead in a different direction (quite the opposite of "I made an appt with a lawyer to draw up paperwork" when I changed the course), so keeping this for a little bit... see where this goes...
Hmmm... interesting. The "I'll probably end up staying at your house" comment is really odd.
Probably best taken as a positive. But it kind of shows the degree of arrogance in her twisted mind. She can put you through all this and then just assume that she can move back in without resolving things?
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
pearl, not answering her calls is what the next step back would be, I agree. However, with changes happening, I'm just trying to be consistent in what I am doing now and seeing where this leads. Also, I will be away pretty much all of October, so that will automatically be a month of being dark.
I do get mad for a few minutes, when I hear something about OM. Like the boys will say that they went out to eat, or he was there when they went to a play with W. But I usually get over that pretty quick and I don't let it spoil my mood. Instead of getting upset over it, I've decided to be the better choice for her. So, my hit-and-run approach has turned into a more distant run, but I still "hit" her with fulfilling her emotional needs.
The other reason I am reluctant to stop answering her call at this point is that she seems to come to me a lot more often to get those emotional needs met than before. TG was suggesting not to blatantly ignore her and I think that is the right approach right now. But I get your point pearl: I need to be vigilant to maintain moments where she does NOT get that emotional fulfillment from me, that will make her miss it.
TG, a little background on the "staying at your house" comment: a year ago, when I took the boys on vacation, she took care of the dogs and the house by just staying there (this was 3 months after she moved out). Then in Feb when I was gone for 2 weeks, she said she didn't want to stay at the house, but that she would take care of the mail and dogs and the house. In preparation for this trip, she's said she would take care of the dogs and the house again. I assumed that she would not want to stay there (just like Feb), but then she made the "I'll probably end up staying at your house" comment. I don't think she meant this as a disguised "I am moving back in" though. One of the boys said in the car that he wanted to move to the new house and then W said that she has to find a new house first. However, the coincidence with her lease being up is odd combined with that remark.
Latest: At some point last week, W mentioned the boys needing clothes as everything was getting too small. I said I had 2 coupons to a store and that she could have one if she wanted. She then asked if we could all go together and I said sure. I did not bring this up again later at all, because I figured it's one of those things she just says, trying to be nice and then forgets (had TONS of those). Then Friday she msged me online and brought it back up: "So, are we still taking the boys clothes shopping on Sun?" and I said yeah, sure, we can do that. Then I didn't hear anything until Sun morning. She called towards the end of the morning and asked if I still wanted to go and if we were ready.
We went by her parents, who were really upbeat. Her dad offered to help me with a project at my house this weekend and said we should celebrate our birthdays together. We had a good rest of the day, had fun with the boys. She told me she's feeling 100% better after her surgery, her headaches are gone. At one point she told me I shouldn't lose any more weight because I look good. We talked about a TV show we're both watching. We joked around. Back at the house, she said thank you for coming with her.
It does feel different than before. We have had good times before, but it was always stressed somehow. Now, it seems more relaxed. I think she's more relaxed now with her health being better and without the shop to worry about. I just concentrated on being the "better choice" and showing her a good time. Now, there should be a time of pulling back.
Monday: W calls me to update me on the behavior of the boys at school. One of them had been misbehaving. I talked to him over the phone to tell him daddy will be angry with him also when he's bad at school.
Tuesday: W texts me that they have been good at school today. Then that they are doing so good at swimming lessons, joking around a bit.
Wednesday: I pick them up today and they have been good. W texts me to check how they've been today.
W calls me to update me on the behavior of the boys at school. One of them had been misbehaving. I talked to him over the phone to tell him daddy will be angry with him also when he's bad at school.
I know what you meant. Let your son know that it is his behavior you are upset with not him. Kids internalise that. He equates you being angry because he is a bad person. He now feels responsible for your feelings.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach! Thanks for stopping by! So you do read in the background on my sitch?
About your comment: actually, what I meant to say is that I will also (in addition to mommy) be angry with him when he's bad at school. Just so he knows he doesn't get away with it if I am not around. But I also mean of course that I will be angry when he's bad, be it at school, at home or wherever. Yesterday he'd been good and I praised him, told him I'm proud of that. He's eager to make daddy happy with him, so it's all good!
I will also (in addition to mommy) be angry with him when he's bad at school.
Quote:
But I also mean of course that I will be angry when he's bad
he will equate you being angry because he is bad
Quote:
He's eager to make daddy happy with him
Daddy happy = me good
I know this isn't what you want to get across. His behavior will have healthy consequences good and bad. The way you are phrasing it gives a kid the impression he is responsible for your feelings. Don't tell him he is bad, tell when you do this then this will be the consequence. "If you get a detention at school then I will ground you this weekend." No one can make you angry. Just tweak your delivery.
This makes me cringe a little. I grew up with parents who spoke like this and worse.
I will read up on you and check back.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think I haven't worded my posts right. And I speak a different language with my kids (raising them bilingual), so I am translating here... What you say Coach is how I tell it to them. By saying they were bad at school, I meant they had to pull cards at school or got sent to the principal at school. I have made it clear to them that if that happens, they will be in trouble at home also. And in trouble at home means no TV and to bed early. When they have been "on green" a week, we go do something fun in the weekend.
Your comment did make me stop and think about this a bit more though. Every once in a while, I do get angry with them (what parent doesn't), but I calm myself down very quickly and make it a point to explain to them calmly that it's because they did this or that and that now we won't get to do X. In light of your comments, it would have been better to omit the angry part and go straight to the consequence part. That makes sense! Thanks for that!
Had a good Labor Day weekend. Worked on my deck in the backyard and had some friends over to help me (W had boys). Made great progress! I am trying to get it finished before I leave overseas for a month for work. That way I can have a deck-warming party before I go!
Just got a couple of random texts over the weekend just joking around from W. Saw them late, so responded late. I was BUSY!
Oh yeah! Got a pretty good PMA boost yesterday. Went grocery shopping and went in the store. Heard someone call my name, look around, didn't see anyone, so went on. A couple of minutes later, this woman I know (currently separated from her H, used to be a friend of W) comes up to me in the back of the store and is chatting with me. She's not bad looking, but she's not my type I guess, anyways, it made me feel good that a woman chases me to the back of the store to talk to me.
