Sent WAW a few texts today -- all things either we needed to talk about or stuff about the D7 I thought she'd want to know.
She didn't respond. One was pretty important so I called about 9:30 p.m. to talk about getting D10 on a swimming team.
She just didn't sound interested in talking at all. She mentioned she is going to have to work more early mornings and late nights because of cuts at her job. That means she'll need me to help even more. I had them stay over twice this week because she had to work late.
Of course, I'll do it as much as I can because it means more time with my girls. But I don't think it helps us much because she still feels like she HAS to have me around.
Again, maybe I'm overthinking things and she's just tired or upset work made her miss a picnic with D7 at her school.
Me, I'm still on a roller coaster. Part of the day I felt really good after reading a post on these boards where the message essentially was "to get ahead of the WAS by emotionally detaching, do the work to improve and then wait to see if the WAS is ready to do the same."
I've been putting a lot of time in improving myself.
Then I was working one of my extra jobs at a high school football game and being in the atmosphere reminded me of the WAW 21 years ago when I met her -- she was a pom-pon girl for a rival high school.
When will these little memories not hurt so much? ______________________ M: 40 W: 38 Married: 13 years D: 10 D: 7 Bomb dropped: 2-09 Moved out: 5-09 No legal steps taken
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Worked all weekend at a second job I need to stay above water while separated. Talked to WAW on a couple of occasions about child care issues for the week. It's on these occasions it's as if we're still together. She needs me to do this, that, I make it happen.
Then little things happen. The D10 calls early in the day. She's having problem with D7 and overreacts. WAW is trying to clean house so she gets made and she starts yelling at D10 over the phone, saying she "can go live with daddy."
I've never said I wanted custody (although I do, but it would cause irreparable harm if we fought over it) and I've told D10 that she and her sister are staying together.
Anyway, I do my best to calm D10 down, tell her to listen to her mother and clean her room and help out around the house. I'm not sure how WAW wants me to react in these situations.
I don't know what to root for right now. I want WAW to miss and value me and my contributions to the family. But I don't want her to fall apart. I just want to be there so that when she gets too stressed she can walk away.
Last thing, and I'm not sure why I did it, but our accounts are still linked and I checked in on mine to see if my transfers went through and I checked hers. I SHOULD NOT DO THAT. I noticed she went to the liquor store at midnight on Wednesday. She asked me to take the girls that night so she could work late.
I don't know what to think. Was she out with friends? Was she with "the friend" from the county fair?
I really thought a small miracle happened two weeks ago when she called me and we talked 90 minutes and she agreed to talk once a week on the phone over lunch so the girls weren't around and we could begin to work on things. _____________________ M: 40 W: 38 Married: 13 years D: 10 D: 7 Bomb dropped: 2-09 Moved out: 5-09 No legal steps taken
Last edited by ClingingToHope; 09/13/0911:46 PM.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Tough night and I don't know why. Went to WAW's house to talk about kid scheduling. She had this look like "he's here again."
Went through all the stuff. This is my weekend but I can work at a football game Friday so instead of keeping them, she's taking them up to her mom's house so she can go see a friend's husband's band play at a bar that night.
She definitely is way ahead of me on GALing.
I don't think I showed any other weakness and I didn't act down or depressed.
When I left though I was just emotionally spent. Trying to turn off the feelings is just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard.
I called a person at church who is leading my marriage rebuilders group and we talked for an hour.
I have to try to have as little contact with WAW this week as possible. I must try to put her out of my mind. The person from church said it took him three years to have no feelings for his ex-wife.
Wow. I'm just in the fifth month.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Did not call or text WAW yesterday. I'll drop the kids off at her work at 6 p.m. I'll stay by the car. Tomorrow I don't need to see her and then maybe for a little bit on Thursday morning -- at the bus stop in front of the house.
I'm doing my best to restrict my interaction with her because I just can't handle it. We had a great talk two Wednesdays ago and she said she wanted to talk on lunch break once a week as a small beginning.
She didn't call last week and I'm waiting to see if she'll call this week. I'm trying to back off but with a second- and fifth-grader, it's very hard.
Finished "The Purpose Driven Life" today and am jotting all of the chapter messages and questions in my journal for later.
One of the chapter questions is "since God knows best, what area of your life can you trust completely in him?"
I'm trusting that God will show me the way either back to my WAW or to another person and another path. _____________________ M: 40 W: 38 Married: 13 years D: 10 D: 7 Bomb dropped: 2-09 Moved out: 5-09 No legal steps taken
Good. Unless it is something urgent for the kids, don't.
Quote:
She didn't call last week and I'm waiting to see if she'll call this week.
Bad. Focus on YOU, not her. You can't control her or what she does. You CAN control you and your reactions to her.
Quote:
I'm trusting that God will show me the way either back to my WAW or to another person and another path.
IMHO, you CAN take this to the bank. REALLY embrace this.
What are you doing for your GAL'ing? Get busy working on, and taking care of, YOU. Exercise, read, reflect, meet a friend out for dinner/lunch. You have an opportunity to re-shape your life right now to what YOU want it to be.
Clinging, This is sort of a pet peeve of mine - I learned it the hard way so I'll pass it on to you. Giving called it above - don't wait and see for anything. I know it's easy for me to type that, not so easy for you to practice it.
I will tell you what leads to success - 180s help, going dark helps, etc, but they are strategies that are, in my opinion, dependent on the person enacting them. If there is not a genuine heart behind the actions, then they are smokescreens. Are you sorry your WAS left? Or just sorry that you weren't the spouse you should've been, but didn't do anything about it before? I don't know - please don't take it as condemnation, but rather an opportunity for introspection.
Here is what I take issue with:
Quote:
I'm trusting that God will show me the way either back to my WAW or to another person and another path.
This journey, and even Divorce Busting, IMO, is not about the other person, or your WAW or whatever - it's about YOU. You do not need to journey toward another person, you need to find God's perfect will in YOU. I get so frustrated with people on this board that come in desperate to save their marriages, and so in love with their spouses - then all of a sudden a weird thing happens where they find peace, and strength, and are in charge, and sure enough, you find out some girl or guy swept onto the scene and made them feel all right about themselves.
They learned nothing! Someone does not complete you - you should offer a person a complete person. I think they should compliment you, uplift you, love you - but not complete you. You can be a whole person in yourself, especially with God's help.
Learn to focus on yourself - you are not meant to have your gaps and mistakes resolved by your spouse but by God and self-responsibility. When you are complete and content within yourself, then you are ready to be the spouse your WAW might want.
This journey, and even Divorce Busting, IMO, is not about the other person, or your WAW or whatever - it's about YOU. You do not need to journey toward another person, you need to find God's perfect will in YOU. I get so frustrated with people on this board that come in desperate to save their marriages, and so in love with their spouses - then all of a sudden a weird thing happens where they find peace, and strength, and are in charge, and sure enough, you find out some girl or guy swept onto the scene and made them feel all right about themselves.
They learned nothing! Someone does not complete you - you should offer a person a complete person. I think they should compliment you, uplift you, love you - but not complete you. You can be a whole person in yourself, especially with God's help.
Learn to focus on yourself - you are not meant to have your gaps and mistakes resolved by your spouse but by God and self-responsibility. When you are complete and content within yourself, then you are ready to be the spouse your WAW might want.
I agree with that 100%. My point was that that source of strength and guidance is THE source for me. As for another person or WAW, I think you are on the right track if you meant you will be happy no matter what. I think this is what you meant. You, alone, however, are responsible for your happiness.
I get so frustrated with people on this board that come in desperate to save their marriages, and so in love with their spouses - then all of a sudden a weird thing happens where they find peace, and strength, and are in charge, and sure enough, you find out some girl or guy swept onto the scene and made them feel all right about themselves.
They learned nothing! Someone does not complete you - you should offer a person a complete person.
I see what you are saying. What has been so difficult for me is that I've never lived alone. I lived with my mom after college until I moved in with three friends. I stayed there until meeting my W and moving in with her.
I really miss the end of day conversation and just waking up next to somebody.
I was talking to the leader of my marriage rebuilders class at church and he said it took him three years, three years!, before he felt he'd totally lost all feelings for his ex.
I can't imagine feeling like this for that long.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I was talking to the leader of my marriage rebuilders class at church and he said it took him three years, three years!, before he felt he'd totally lost all feelings for his ex.
I bet he didn't follow what you are learning here. This is the beauty of detaching. If you work on you, and get comfortable with just being you, you will realize that no matter what, you will be ok. Get to know yourself and, here is the key, LIKE yourself.
I just "celebrated" my 3rd anniversary of the bomb. August 27 of 2006 - W flipped a switch in her head.
I still have feelings for her, and I can't imagine a time where I won't - even though I sincerely wish I didn't. I honestly don't want to be married to her - you have to draw a line in the sand at some point, but it's funny that in August of 2006 she was charging into divorce, has started an affair, etc, but I can't get her to sign onto a divorce for the life of me!
I didn't mean to be so harsh before, but seriously the best thing you can do is back away. How far you back away will depend on your circumstances - I spent a full month going completely dark a few months back, and my W didn't even flinch for the full month. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, literally numbing, but it has been the best thing I ever did. What helped me was to literally take things an hour at a time if I had to. I would pick what I was going to do for the next hour, i.e. clean the kitchen, work on a project, make dinner. Then I'd complete that task, and schedule the next hour, and then the day was done. At the end of that month, W was all over me, and I was completely in charge of myself, my emotions, etc.
I don't know the depth of your situation, but I completely understand and empathize with how you feel. I will tell you that my feelings for my W now are much more genuine, and impartial. They are not driven out of a "need" or a clinginess, but out of a desire to do the right thing, and care for her as a person, and are without condition.
Lastly, do find a conversation outlet. The marriage builder person is great - I talked to friends, family, etc. I didn't want to spread out W's dirty laundry, so I found a couple of confidants that I could trust and took the deep things to them - it was crucial in my journey.
