He did not tell her last night. He came over with the kids (I had night class) around 8:45, put them to bed, etc etc
Came out at 10. I told him he could come sit down (I was in living room) so he did. We made small talk/chit chat. Then he got up at 10:30 to leave. He said he was exhausted and hadn't slept much the night before...
So as he was getting up I asked him what about the phone call?
He stood on the stairs from 10:30-11:45. Told me he was tired and frustrated, that the night before I had asked him when he would do it and he got mad and said first thing in the morning (Wed). He asked me how I possibly thought he could do it in the morning, during work, and include me?
I told him I never thought he would actually do it in the morning I figured he was upset when he said it and would do it tonight. He said I should have told him that. Guess he thought I was upset with him for not doing it in the morning.
Then I asked him if she had still been contacting him, and he said "Yes." I asked if he had contacted her and he said, "No."
So I asked him what she was saying and he said, "She is freaking out"
I asked what she was saying and if it was things like "Don't you want me anymore" (BC that is something she would say) and he said, "Yeah that's what she wants to know"
And I said, "Well, DO you want her?"
And he said "NO!" in a very definitive voice.
He said he wasn't trying to be a jackass but he didn't want my sympathy or me trying to tell him how I understand that it is hard, etc etc. He said he really didn't want to talk about her with me at this time b/c it is a really tough subject.
Then he said he knew he had to tell her and he was positive that it was over and he didn't want to be with her anymore. But that there was never going to be a good time to actually tell her and he was not sure when he was going to do it.
Part of me wonders if he just hoped she would drop it and leave him alone so he wouldn't have to go through with it himself...
So anyway that was the extent of it, he said that every time he wants to try again I start pushing and pushing and want everything to happen immediately and he cannot deal with that. It seems he thought we would not talk about 'things' until we met with the people at the retreat. And I HAVE heard that supported on these boards, not to talk about the heavy stuff in the beginning, to save that stuff for the MC and try to rebuild the friendship part.
But the ow is one thing he does have to have handled before we would go on the retreat. And he knows that, he agreed to that.
Then he said he knew he had to tell her and he was positive that it was over and he didn't want to be with her anymore. But that there was never going to be a good time to actually tell her and he was not sure when he was going to do it.
Pardon me while I go put on my hip waders.
He is treating her and you like an inconvenience in his otherwise miserable life.
I am guessing that he never talked to the pastor.
It is a mystery why OW is attracted to him now. Maybe she has not experienced frustrated and unhappy Dan.
I was just wondering why does he even need to call her? Why not do a no contact letter and you get to mail it. Pain? That is all around and he is the one causing it. Get him to write the letter, you get final approval and send it on its way. If he really is done there is certainly no reason to draw it out.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yeah, John, that is a no-brainer for me. There is no point going to the thing if he is still communicating with and/or seeing her.
From the sounds of things, he hasn't spoken to her at least since Friday, if not before that (it was LAST Wed. that he wanted to talk to me and told me he wanted to try again and see if we can fix things, go to the retreat, etc etc). So I guess 5-6 days of no-contact was really getting to her.
I was surprised at how vehemently he said "No" when I asked if he still wanted her. I think he knows that in the light of day, in his real life, having her for a partner would just not make sense. All the logistics, she has shared custody of her son, I would have shared custody of my kids, things like that. He cannot even imagine having her son and our children hanging out together much less living together. So I do think that it is going to end, sooner than later. If he keeps up the non-communication then it basically has ended, except for making it 'official'.
And he met us to go to Nathan and Sydney's school open house tonight. He called me from his fixer upper to see what time I wanted to meet him, then he was headed back there to do some work on the place. So that is a good sign I think, b/c he had said that he would not make any improvements to it if we were getting a D because it would raise the value of the house. He was going to just go rent something to live in with the kids.
Who knows for sure? I just know he wanted to go to the retreat the first weekend in October, which is 3 weeks from tomorrow. If I waited the last 2 years, I can wait 3 more weeks to see what happens.
hey BBJ, you are absolutely right. 3 weeks is nothing.... Don't get me wrong, I happen to be of the opinion that repeat offenders are very difficult to rehabilitate. However, who can blame you for giving it another shot? Plus you seem much more resolute...pulling for you BBJ!
We are all pulling for you. And we are all concerned. That's all...
I would insist he does it, talk to the OW I would go to the retreat And I would read Not Just friends, or the monogamy myth and go over the strategy and necessary things to be done with him. Dont let anything to just happen. Make sure he understands,this is his last chance and he needs to work in it.
If I remember correctly, it takes an average of 2 years to get over an affair and heal. He must be aware of that and agree to fight for you guys... K
