Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Hi D-
I know I can't fix his boredom, his depression , his MLC...his general unhappiness. Its hard not reacting when it feels like he blames me-not always openly...I really need to focus better on detachment and being nonreactive.

In a way my H seems like two different people. At night when we're alone in bed he's always affectionate, passionate and caring. During the day, he is his usual self: up and down. Not particularly affectionate...Its kind of a weird dichotomy right now.

The weather changed last night and now its cloudy and a bit rainy-just the kind of weather that sends H into a deeper funk.
We'll see what tonight brings-we're having one of our bi-weekly talks(per our agreement in marriage counseling) to do active listening..and communicate more effectively.

[kjensen]

Difficult night last night. H and I had one of our bi-weekly talks and it ended with neither of us sleeping well..

I really wanted to go on a vacation this Christmas/New Years with the kids, so as to NOT re-live last Christmas when H dropped the bomb and moved out. H doesn't want to go on a vacation with everyone and spend lots of money when we might have a miserable time. He said I could go on my own...

Should I take him up on it? Take the girls and go somewhere around the holidays? Not sure. I felt hurt.

H still says he doesn't feel connections with me-we've been ML almost every night since he moved back home..so I asked him why we're doing that if he doesn't feel a connection and he doesn't know...I felt hurt by that too....

So I'm reacting and having a hard time distancing.. These are the things that confuse me about merging traditional therapy/communication skills with DB-ing.

Not sure what's next. Trying to get back my distance..

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You have b-weekly R talks?

Oh man...I bet the tension the day of that talk sucks.

Has anything good ever come from the opening phrase, "We need to talk?"

K,

Maybe they shouldn't be merged?

[kjensen]

Hi Jack,
The talks are to practice active listening and to discuss "hot topics" in an active listening forum...The tension isn't bad on those days..H usually forgets on the day we're supposed to talk but seems amenable to have the talk the next day when one of us remembers or brings it up. H usually doesn't speak first-lets me bring up a topic... I have to say that this homework began in our communication class we took last spring and helped open up the communication between us prior to OW dumping H..

This is the homework our MC gave us once we started counseling(at H's initiative)-The marriage counselor has read and has recommended Divorce Busting in his communication class... Maybe I need to bring up non-topics? just to practice the active listening technique? Maybe I don't bring up missing the day to talk and see how long it goes? I'm just not sure what to do..Any ideas?

[Storm Rider]

Can you introduce more humour and light hearted weekly topics for a while to chill things out? Such as all the different types of cheeses you would really like to eat for example?

It sounds to me like you guys are doing a lot of serious hard work, not a bad thing. Can you get more of the fun just mates thing happening? Even if hes not into going out, more music less tv type stuff? How about if you really act AS IF you are happy around the house, lead you both to a better place?

Your H would still be in OW withdrawal perhaps and trying to close that off must take quite a bit of time to work through.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

ideas...just the ones you came up with. : )

[kjensen]

Good ideas! Thanks! Not feeling very lighthearted but will keep trying to act "as if"..When we do go out alone, we do have a good time.. I do think H is still getting over the OW dumping him-he's still somewhat obsessed over why she did, how she "changed"-he thought she was his soulmate....

I'm playing it cool today-no calls to H..will see how tonight goes. Will act 'as if" things are fine. :-)

[kjensen]

Journaling:
Acted somewhat upbeat last night. H seemed a bit better. He did make a snarky comment at dinner about how it was cold(I'd taken it out of the oven early to feed my oldest who had to go to band practice)..I let it slide.

My youngest(D12) told me she didn't care for the way Dad talked to me about dinner, after H left with D13... She picks up on all of it. She knows Dad is in MLC and that depression is an illness and we need to be patient and understanding. I said I agree that it wasn't a nice way that Dad talked to me...Hope the girls are getting the right lessons out of all of this and not the wrong lessons... We were closer last night, but I can still tell H is mentally distant(in withdrawal is my guess)..

I did notice some searches on the internet history of the computer and asked H if he knew so-and-so, a name that came up on the search history(auto-fill). He said "no" but I know who it is, (a friend of OW, listed as her friend on facebook)... So the secretiveness continues. I think that is one thing I have the hardest time with- the secrets which erodes my already eroded trust of H...

[D Money]

Hope the girls are getting the right lessons out of all of this and not the wrong lessons...

Continue to be a shining example and they no doubt will learn the right lessons

We were closer last night, but I can still tell H is mentally distant(in withdrawal is my guess)..

K, do me a favor. Stop guessing where he is at. It will just drive you nuts.

[kjensen]

Thanks D. good advice regarding the guessing. H left for work this morning and he has therapy today on his own. He said as he left, pointing to his appointment card, " I really hate this!"
I didn't say anything, just nodded-I don't want to have H think I'm pushing him to continue therapy.

I think he's at the point in therapy when its hard and he's really dealing with the hard stuff, which makes one want to avoid going altogether...I've been there done that...hope he sticks it out..

This is a hard place to be right now, with H dealing with his demons and being Jeckyll and Hyde-like..its almost a relief when he's not around sometimes. Very moody...