I did ask him last night after the open house if he wanted money for part of the retreat (not that I think I should pay, I guess that was a passive way of asking him about it and I regret that) and he said no. But that is all he said, no. Nothing about if/when he is planning to go...
I think we have about a 15% chance of actually getting to Florida (the retreat)...
Your H is making some pretty lame excuses for not making that phone call. He is still very much addicted to OW at this point that he can't break it off completely.
Originally Posted By: oldtimer
It is a great idea to be on the extension when H cuts things off completely, just mute yourself. Him following through on this WITH YOU on the extension demonstrates real resolve. Communicate to him the messages you want OW to hear: he is committed to you and his M, his A was a mistake, he does not want her in his personal life in any capacity, do not contact him after this call in any way.
Oldtimer has given you some very good advice here and I've seen others on this site advocate the same thing. Those points should be made to OW - she needs to hear it from your H. You need to be 100% certain that H has made that phone call/sent the letter. Otherwise how can you ever believe for sure that he actually ended it?
I'm praying for you BBJ.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
When W and I reconciled, the process of breaking it off with OM (and allowing me to verify it) was critical to any hope of re-establishing trust. Without that process, there would be no basis for it. In my case, I set steps and a time frame. Stop answering his calls/texts - now (verified by her phone records). Have him get his things and don't be alone when he comes to get them (by X date). You get the idea.
I hope he is genuine in what he says to you, but his history invites doubt. Trust but verify. And if he fails, no matter what the reason he gives as an excuse, re-evaluate your path with a VERY critical eye. It is HIS responsibility to establish a foundation on which you might have any hope of rebuilding a R with you.
Praying for you.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
So far not sure...Friday night he called and said he was committed to giving this another try. I told him I was going to give it a try and see what happens (not going to trust blindly).
Saturday I was gone all day to the Renaissance Faire in Des Moines helping BIL/SIL out with their British Foods store. Ali, do you know what Hobnobs are? (oaty biscuits) We sold jam, tea, heinz beans, HP sauce or something like that, pickled onions, etc etc. I had a chicken curry pasty for lunch, it was so awesome! I had never had curry before...
(In case I didn't mention, BIL was born and raised outside West Sussex. He runs a British foods import business now, just started it 1 year ago.)
It is H's sister and her husband. Had so much fun at the Faire. Dan called during the day and let me know he was booking his flight to Canada, gave me the days and times, etc. He leaves this evening. He had Nathan with him all day and night for a boy's day while I was working, and Sydney was with SILs daughter all day while MIL watched them and we worked together.
So then he said he was definitely booking the retreat, but hadn't yet....hmm
Today he came to the house early and stayed with the kids while I went and got ready for church. I got baptized today. I already was baptized by being "sprinkled" as a child, but my current church believes in immersion baptism so that's what I did. Me and the pastor in the water up to our waists. It was really neat actually.
So after church we all 4 went out for lunch. Then we changed clothes and went out to the farm. We all worked together and herded the cows in from the pasture. Then the kids went to play and Dan and I separated the calves from their moms to load them on a trailer and wean them. It was the first time he has invited me to work on a project like that. One thing I said during his 'talk' about reconciling was that I wanted to be more of a partner in the cattle. So that was nice.
Then we had to go and he had to get packed up for his flight. He said he would call when he got there and he hugged me goodbye.
All in all, pretty nice. However I decided that I will go up and sign the papers while he is gone this week and have them ready to give to him when he gets back. If he hasn't booked the retreat and MORE IMPORTANTLY broken it off with ow, then I will be serving him.
I am trying to decide if I should tell him I am going to serve him if he doesn't break it off with ow.
Peter, by your comments, your first step was that she stop responding to any of om's communications. According to Dan, he has done that. He needs to do the next step, telling her directly that it is OVER, PERIOD.
I do not want to nag. That is extremely unattractive and makes the time we do spend together miserable which hurts odds of a good reconciliation.
So my thoughts are either I drop it entirely and if HE hasn't made the effort to tell/show me he ended it by the time he gets back, I just serve him. My other option is to say, "I don't want to talk about it any more, just know I will be serving you upon your arrival if you have not shown me it is over".
It may be best to very calmly tell him what you are planning to do - that if he hasn't booked the retreat AND broken it off with OW by the time he gets back from his trip, that you will serve him. Otherwise, if you say nothing to him now (eventhough you've already said it to him), especially after the nice weekend you had as a family, he may misinterpret that you are ok with the status quo, he'll continue to stall and he'll be very angry when you do serve him. This way the choice will be his.
One question - how will you know for sure that he's actually ended it with OW while he's away on his trip? I wouldn't take his word for it.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I am trying to decide if I should tell him I am going to serve him if he doesn't break it off with ow.
I do not want to nag. That is extremely unattractive and makes the time we do spend together miserable which hurts odds of a good reconciliation.
Of course in our case, it wasn't a matter of deciding whether to file anyway. It was a matter of postponing a court date that was looming in just a few days. I told W that my decision to go ahead with the D, postpone the date again, or to withdraw the D petition was all dependent on how these first few steps went.
But you are right - I was careful not to nag her. She sure didn't want to face me harping about things (are we there yet? are we there yet?) at a time when neither of us was sure if we could pick up the pieces. But it was clear that a few steps HAD to happen and that they were non-negotiable. If they didn't happen (or if it required constant pressure from me to happen) that would speak volumes about her commitment to reconciliation.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
All in all, pretty nice. However I decided that I will go up and sign the papers while he is gone this week and have them ready to give to him when he gets back. If he hasn't booked the retreat and MORE IMPORTANTLY broken it off with ow, then I will be serving him.
So my thoughts are either I drop it entirely and if HE hasn't made the effort to tell/show me he ended it by the time he gets back, I just serve him. My other option is to say, "I don't want to talk about it any more, just know I will be serving you upon your arrival if you have not shown me it is over".
Option 1 is what I would favor. It should be obvious to him what to do by now and that it needs to happen before any further progress is possible. No excuses, especially with his history. Option 2 sounds like a threat. Threats can be effective short-term, but won't result in real change.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Today he came to the house early and stayed with the kids while I went and got ready for church. I got baptized today. I already was baptized by being "sprinkled" as a child, but my current church believes in immersion baptism so that's what I did. Me and the pastor in the water up to our waists. It was really neat actually.
what was once old is now new again...congratulations BBJ..I'm proud of you!
Quote:
However I decided that I will go up and sign the papers while he is gone this week and have them ready to give to him when he gets back. If he hasn't booked the retreat and MORE IMPORTANTLY broken it off with ow, then I will be serving him.
good for you.
Quote:
Peter, by your comments, your first step was that she stop responding to any of om's communications. According to Dan, he has done that. He needs to do the next step, telling her directly that it is OVER, PERIOD.
I say again..why can't he just block her texts and calls..It's quite simple actually..the cell phone company can set the phone to not accept calls from certain numbers..
Going in tomorrow at 4:30 to sign the petition, then it will be sent to the courthouse to be filed/whatever you call it, then sent back to my attorney so he can be served. I will serve him myself. Not going the sheriff route...
