(((All))) thank you so much for your responses. It meant a lot to read them and I have been doing some thinking over the weekend.
Kat and Jeff, what you said about filing when I'm ready really helped me to see a bit more clearly. I put a lot of pressure on myself at times on things I 'should' be doing, I agree with T that once I am back from my travels things may be clearer. New Year and all that.
Kat, you are right also that I cannot be friends with him in the genuine sense. It would hold me back in my moving on process and especially when he has shown me such disrespect and continues to do so.
Jeff, your post too really made me think. I am definitely not interested in yobby h. It does make me wonder about him all along. There is this side to him and now it seems it is the dominant side, if that is how he is going then I have had a lucky escape. I have not responded to the text at all, because in fact, it warrants no response.
Cas, surfs up! I'm so excited about being in Sydney!
Nell, you could be right about it flushing him out. It's scary though as you know now
Lola, I have to say it does feel freeing.
Hi Trixi, I have followed your story. Thank you for making me feel a bit better about the two years. I am really struggling to understand why I am still doing this. I think I didn't realise how important marriage was to me until I lost it.
Thank you for such a thorough and helpful post. I hope I have understood all you have said.
Rejection I am like a sadist in this respect I take being rejected over and over by him yet do not have the guts to reject him myself. His actions confuse me.
At the moment he will - text me to tell me what he is up to. - email me to tell me what he is up to. - meet for meals occasionally. - If I initiate a hug he will respond (he even went in for a cheek peck once I think by accident )
I feel like I am being fobbed off by these emails and texts as they are safe. Would rejecting him make him take more of a risk with me? And is rejecting him ignoring these emails and texts?
I am a busy, do lots of fun things person but I am never sure how to convey that without it looking like I am trying?
Dating I totally agree with you on these points. Dating for me gave me back so much confidence that was taken away when h left. There is nothing like it to boost the PMA.
My question would be that I have other men interested in me and do date but h and I never discuss other people. He has never mention ow to me. I had to find out all via facebook. One interesting thing was from when he moved my stuff for me when we sold the house. His reaction made me smile. He also tried to 'do down' the other man by being derogatory about him.
Quote:
A funny thing was that when we took a load of junk to the dump, the guy that was there was chatting to me and said 'you and your partner' and I replied that he wasn't my partner and the guy said 'oh, in that case can I have your number?' I declined politely but h asked what we were talking about and so I told him. He looked really surprised but when we were driving away he asked again if the guy had really asked for my number. I like the fact that it played on his mind lol.
We never really get these opportunities though. How would h know other men were interested in me?
I am so tired of doing this
Quote:
"if I just hang in there and show him how much I love him, if I just treat him nice enough, if I just show him how wrong I have been and what a bad wife I have been and allow him to keep seeing this OW, maybe he will see the error of his ways or maybe the affair will die and he will come running back to me."
How do I increase his interest when contact is so limited anyway? We have no children, we have now sold our house. There are no longer 'reasons' to contact me yet he still does.
How do I stop trying? Is s'howing my interest is gone' ignoring him?
Hope you are well, you seem to be weighing up pro and cons. Re read your threads and the responses. It's clear that you're almost ready to let him go. You will of course have days when you are doubtful (we all will) but they will get less and less. The yobby behaviour is off putting for you.
If you let him go (let him go in your head and heart) and he wants to come back you can consider it then.
Stop trying by truly living your own life maybe? Not hoping for him to react to what you do?
With is emails you can either choose to 1. reply and try and maintain contact, open yourself up to possibly more pain 2. ignore not know of his reaction or 3. email back asking him to stop, darker than dark.
Hey Julia, I am reading along.. you know I think about you, despite how bad my bf's R was with OW, short(ish), how much contact we had the whole 18 months, all the 'dates' we went on and the universal opinion of his friends that ow was a nightmare and I was the loev of his life, that he was SO clearly depressed and desperate and unhappy and literally tearing his hair out when we were apart and NOW is so happy and contented.. despite all this good stuff, I still struggle gently, day to day with the reconciliation and forgeting his R with her and putting it all behind us now. And it makes me wonder.. after a 2 year R, living together, fancy holidays etc.. could you really be ok about it and be able to rebuild with him? What do you think?
Hugs, Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm tired of the game with my H too. You've tried everything else - might as well try the Gucci method.
Time to drop him like a lead balloon.
Then this:
Quote:
could you really be ok about it and be able to rebuild with him?
will be - can he be a real man about it and work to rebuild with you?
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I have been thinking about my post in response to Gucci and I didn't 'get it' when I wrote that.
I always have done and continue to do everything for him. I haven't had any payback now for a long time. I think now it is time for me.
Quote:
I take being rejected over and over by him yet do not have the guts to reject him myself.
Pathetic
Quote:
Would rejecting him make him take more of a risk with me? And is rejecting him ignoring these emails and texts?
Who cares? I don't like getting these emails and texts so why encourage them. If he wants to see me he can make an effort.
Quote:
I am a busy, do lots of fun things person but I am never sure how to convey that without it looking like I am trying?
Why should I care if he notices or what. I am not doing it for him.
Quote:
How would h know other men were interested in me?
Why would he think that they would not be interested in me??
Quote:
How do I increase his interest when contact is so limited anyway?
Duh, by stopping trying. It's all pressure, pressure, pressure. Whatever way you look at it.
Quote:
How do I stop trying? Is s'howing my interest is gone' ignoring him?
How do I stop trying? - By stopping trying
Honestly, when did I ever get so pathetic? Before I started DBing I thought that I wouldn't be able to live with myself because I hadn't tried everything to make my marriage work. I can live very well with myself now. I feel so much stronger.
He has never 'lost' me. I have always been there for him even when he was treating me so disrespectfully, I cushioned him. Well, no more. I'm still not entirely clear on my path yet, but I am getting there
P.S - fencing was so much fun yesterday. For the first time I got to hold a foil and poke quite a handsome man in the chest
Al, you always ask me good questions. I don't know how I would feel. It would depend on his actions. Funnily enough that thought past through my mind this morning. I know all he has done, and I'm not at all happy with it (doesn't that sound so British! ). Ok, I frickin' hate all he has done, it is selfish, disrespectful and deceitful. He would have to work hard to make it up to me and I'm not sure he has it in him.
Silver Fox, thank you for visiting and posting
Quote:
will be - can he be a real man about it and work to rebuild with you?
Read the above with interest JCJ - you know what else passed through my mind today? I considered how cowardly these WASs really are. They have generally hidden behind us Ws for all the years that they have and then done their emotional attachment before they have walked ... more cowardice.
They can't cope with the responsibility, pressure or daily life of M and today I have firmly looked at my H in a new light. He watched whilst I got on a plane and left for the UK to face all of our family and friends whilst I told them of his decision. He has not once had to look any of them square in the eye and, when it came to dealing with me, his cowardice knew no bounds and he has walked away - one week later to be in a long distance R with ow. Do I deserve that? No. Do I want to be with someone like that - betcha I don't!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
