JonF, someone earlier sent me a link to a detaching article and I have to admit on the Toxic Relationship list, about nine of them related to my relationship with my W.
A big one, she's always been emotionally distant and I worked constantly to bridge the gap.
I'd like to go dark at least a couple of weeks so I can get in charge of my emotions. All these weekends I've worked out of town were great, but I'm behind on my GALing.
Of course, I can't go completely dark because of my D10 and D7. But I'm going to do the best I can.
It sounds like you were still in the house. I'm out of it and my deep down fear in going dark is that she won't miss me at all.
That's my insecurity talking.
_____________________ M: 40 W: 38 Married: 13 years D: 10 D: 7 Bomb dropped: 2-09 Moved out: 5-09 No legal steps taken
Just journaling. Had to see the WAW for a minute yesterday as I dropped off our girls so I could go to a marriage rebuilders class. I was in and out fast and she actually said goodbye. I had forgotten to.
At the marriage class we talked about the emotional needs of couples. It's based on a 1991 book "His needs, her needs." The top five needs of men are the bottom five of women and the bottom five of women are the top five of men. Go figure.
Going through them one by one was a revelation. I was probably meeting 1 1/2 of her five top needs and she was meeting two of my top five.
No wonder we are in the place we are now.
I'm wondering if she'll call today or tomorrow. That was what we'd set up two weeks ago. I'm pretty busy both days so I won't worry too much.
In general, I'm feeling good today. I'm trying to set up a fun weekend in Chicago in two weeks with an old friend to help with the GALing. _____________________ M: 40 W: 38 Married: 13 years D: 10 D: 7 Bomb dropped: 2-09 Moved out: 5-09 No legal steps taken
At the marriage class we talked about the emotional needs of couples. It's based on a 1991 book "His needs, her needs." The top five needs of men are the bottom five of women and the bottom five of women are the top five of men. Go figure.
Would love to know what those are if you remember.
I think GALing is a must these days. It does help me to detach and it gives me something else to THINK about other than H and the situation that I find our family in. It is hard for me to clinically explain to myself that I have to detach, not only for me but ultimately for the sake of the R. No matter the outcome, I have to bury the old R and move forward with a new R with H - whether that is a M or a D...given that we have two very young children - he will be in our lives forever. So detaching is the only way to "wash that man right out of my hair" if you will. Take care!
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
I read an article on detaching from this web site. I thought detaching was a temporary thing until the relationship worked out. The article made it clear that detaching in many respects is permanent -- that we become so emotionally tied to people the relationship becomes toxic.
That was an eye-opener.
It has been really hard for me because I'm so tied into the girls day-to-day lives even though I'm out of the house.
How much is your H still involved in the day-to-day stuff? _____________________ M: 40 W: 38 Married: 13 years D: 10 D: 7 Bomb dropped: 2-09 Moved out: 5-09 No legal steps taken
D10 had her first swimming practice last night and then needed an Indian costume for school today. Wednesday was my night with them so we called WAW to see if she could pick it up after work. She said yes and said she would drop it off at the apartment.
It's the second time she's been to the apartment. The first time I did not handle well. I didn't really want her seeing what my life has been reduced to. She even asked me what was wrong.
Well, when we had our great talk two weeks ago she actually said she was jealous of the apartment because it's laid out like a living place should be. The house we own together and she is living in was built in the 1930s as a small two bedroom. It's been expanded at least twice so it's actually a fairly large house, but it's just laid out strange. It's hard to clean. It's very comparmentalized and most of the prime living area is in the same spot, so even though it's big you feel like you are always on top of each other.
I had to laugh at that and told her after moving into this place I really would love -- if we found our way back to each other -- to sell our house and find something that works better for us. She thought I was emotionally attached to it because my parents lived there back in the 1970s.
Anyway, so this time I was determined to not have it feel strange. She showed up 45 minutes late. The girls were still up. They were happy to see her and she was there probably 20 minutes. She said she had to get home to work some more.
I couldn't read anything into the interaction. Maybe I should stop doing that and just let things happen. There's still no talk about moving a D forward. I asked if we were going to talk at lunch this week and she said she could call Friday.
I hope she does, but I'm going to try to not emotionally crash if she doesn't. I felt pretty good yesterday. I'm joining a growth group at church on Sunday. In two weeks, I'm heading to Chicago to see a friend.
Money issues are in good shape. Kids are doing well -- but they still want us back together, even the D7 was talking about it in the car ride this morning.
In my heart of hearts, I still can't imagine her actually sitting down and hiring an attorney to end our M as long as I continue to change what I was doing wrong before.
_____________________ M: 40 W: 38 Married: 13 years D: 10 D: 7 Bomb dropped: 2-09 Moved out: 5-09 No legal steps taken
Finally figured out how to correctly do a signature.
Just got off phone with WAW. She's the expert on insurance issues and I needed to check on a couple of doctors. Talked for a few minutes about D7's day yesterday.
At the end of every conversation, there's this pause where we used to say "I love you."
After it passes, one or the other says "goodbye."
No big ephiphany, just an observation.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Saw WAW again tonight. Took D10 to swim team rookie week swim meet. That's a mouthful. D10 has wanted to join the local YMCA swim team for a couple of years.
WAW signed off on it -- I'm paying for it -- so there will be lots of nights like this, where I'm picking up or dropping off kids.
I'm not really sure how much the W is going to support this though. She was really into D10's theater group the past three years. The W became good friends with the other parents and was in charge of the costumes for the plays. But D10 doesn't want to do theater much this year. Instead, she's psyched about swimming.
But it's at the Y and W isn't a big fan. I've been a Y member for years but as she gained weight over the past three years, I'd ask if she'd like to go as a family, which she took as a slam at her weight gain.
In a way it was, but in my mind I remembered how much happier she was at a size 4 than a 14 and was trying -- in a clumsy way -- to offer my support. I know now that I should have waited for her to come to me to ask for the support. That's another story.
The swimming thing is going to be great because unlike a lot of LBS's, especially the H's, I get to see my girls every day during the week -- and this will mean even more time with them.
But my W said over the summer that sometimes it seems as if I never left. So it's a double-edged sword.
She is supposed to call tomorrow at lunch. We'll see. Part of me wonders whether this will become so normal we'll get stuck -- neither moving together or apart.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
She is supposed to call tomorrow at lunch. We'll see. Part of me wonders whether this will become so normal we'll get stuck -- neither moving together or apart.
That should only happen if you BOTH stop working on the M.
Well, lunch hour is over so I'm guessing no phone call from W. I know I'm supposed to detach and not care, but it's hard.
Every time we've had a small breakthrough the past three years it was followed by long stretches back in the cave of silence.
I think someone else posted that whenever there's an unknown, the LBS jumps to the "worst" conclusion. She may be too swamped at work to call. That's very likely in her job.
The telephone counselor warned me this was going to be a long haul, not a 3-to-6 month fix.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
