So, updates on things with us. Family has been well. Hubby still on steriods for health issues,he has follow-up's with some consults. All his lab work is ok though. Younger son has CT this Friday and his sed rate dropped to 8!!!!! Woo-hoo!!!! Hurray!! So cancer is off the table. Options were discussed- IGG imunoglobulin, Naproxin, some medication used to threat arthritis and inflammatory bowel. He is sick with Strep (got it from me) and his sed rate jumped back up again. I don't understand- if I understand correctly- this does not happen to most kids. He is just sick so much and his weight is dropping again. To darn thin, way to darn thin. The rash and sore joints I had- my son's rheumy stated were due to Strep. How funny is that.
So, had another R talk (how the heck do we get into those). Hubby still professing how he does not love me etc. I keep my stance but this time let him know that while I will continue for a goal of reconciliation it was a big mistake to marry him. I don't regret the kids- I mean it was meant to be but I had anxiety about us getting married. And then was unsure if we should more forward with kids. I mean it always seemed like we would fight so much and didn't respect each other's feelings.
I let him know that I could care less at this point if he would love me again or not. I am fine, more than fine. I also let him know that what is best for the kids is us together. I also stated that if he was on his deathbed. I would see him as the greatest love of my life and still loved him. He stated he would not have feelings of love if I was on my deathbed. Little harsh but didn't faze me.
Too much stuff was said to remember but I do remember telling him something of the effect of. I could care less at this point if you love me or not. I am in a place where I am fine with myself with or without yhim. I mean the preference if for us to work. But there will be no tears on my end if it totally ends. Something like that. And that I had no interest in dating anyone else. I would just be by myself at that point. We were just talking hypotheticals.
So about an hour later- I hugged him, b/c that is me and I knew he would be ok with it. I stated ILY and so did he. I told him you are not obligated to say it and he stated he wasn't he wanted to reconcile. To be honest shock of my life. I mean he has so staunchly insisted an hour ago that he did not love me.
So 14 months and now back to being together? I am stupefied. I was not planning for this at this time. I had my gameplan (stay the course) and modified it along the way. But honestly I was blindsided.
SO that was three days ago and I actually see him putting forth lots of effort. I mean really trying and again- I am honestly quite shocked by it all.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I let him know- you have pulled out the reconciliation card in the past and retracted in with a day or two. How in the world do I know this is legit on your end. He stated something to the effect well I have seem changes in your and you continue to state that you would like us back together so I figured if you were trying so could I.
I have to admit I was starting to really pull back. I was losing interest in sex and let him know the reasons. Which he was fine with. I told him I can keep having sex with someone who "hates" me and has no love for me. I am feeling used here. I told him a few times sex has to stop and did stop on and off. It had trickled down to very infrequently.
I mean I still was putting in effort but also once we hit the one year mark- it was a big date for me. I was like, I have really put forth a lot of effort for over a year (yes with lots of setbacks on my end) and we are still at this impasse. I mean I'm not losing faith but caring less about it all. I was starting to think- and what is so grand about him? What makes him so desirable. Things like that.
So I am cautious and honestly waiting for the bottom to fall out. I think he knows that I am not really willing to go through this again. I asked him Why? Why all the months of "it over for us"? He stated he really didn't know what to do any more, that the situation was just miserable. OK, I would think that continuing MC would have been a WAY, smarter decision to make. But, ok, whatever.
I know this- I have been in email contact with a marriage counselor who is pro-marriage and asked for available appointment days and we are so going. I mean I would be a fool to not follow through on that.
So that's what's us with us I guess. I'll see how it goes. We have both agreed to leave all the baggage from the past in the past and kind of try to have a fresh start with nothing tarnishing our views of each other. I mean it's the sensible thing to do. I am just not foolish enough to forget b/c I will always be the wiser from past mistakes and hurts.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
So I cried tonight. I just feel like for so many years hubby treated me like sh*t- whether it's the truth or not- it's how I really, truly feel (i too treated him really badly). So it's hard be eager to open myself up to him again. I mean-why now? For what reason? Should I trust him?
I was in a comfort zone. I knew how things were. I accepted it. He was the guy who couldn't stand me. Who really hated me. I was accepting of that. I really didn't give a sh*t anymore. I could have care less. Fine- go burn an effigy of me- what the hell do I care.
I think this wasn't in the game book for me. It was so unexpected. It really shook me up. I have my doubts. Is this only really about being able to be with the kids. I mean what is the agenda here.
I mean how does one go to- if you are dying, on your deathbed, I would still feel no love for you to I love you again in the matter of an hour. I mean really.
Hubby stated he really didn't know what to do anymore. That he was miserable and I think he was hurting also and this was the only option he felt he had. OK- but for 14 frickin' months.
I know this- he does it again. I am walking out that door immediately. I am not going through this cr*p ever again.
I feel like it has been many years of a terrible, hellish existence. I think he feels the same way about the past. It has felt like a train wreck in incredibly slow motion. Just horrible. So we can not go back to the way it was.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
He's been trying. I mean really trying- nice emails, hugs and affection. Nice words, compliments. Who am I to complain- I'll go with the flow I just am guarded.
I just hope in a few months I can come back to this site and say divorce busted. Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst- just going to have a leap of faith here.
Off topic: it is way too hard to listen to Coldplay and type about your R- it gets you way too emotional-lol
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Still my heart and hold my tongue I feel my time My time has come Let me in Unlock the door I never felt this way before
And the wheels just keep on turning The drummer begins to drum I don’t know which way I’m going I don’t know which way I’ve come
Hold my head inside your hands I need someone who understands I need someone, someone who hears For you I’ve waited all these years
For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come Until my day, my day is done And say you'll come and set me free Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
In your tears and in your blood In your fire and in your flood I hear you laugh, I heard you sing I wouldn’t change a single thing And the wheels just keep on turning The drummers begin to drum I don’t know which way I’m going I don’t know what I’ve become
For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come Until my days, my days are done And say you'll come and set me free Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I don't know about his mood. I don't think so. Maybe two months. Presnilosone= a very common one. I think he would have to have a much higher dose for mood alterations. Not sure- I guess I'll see. Hopefully so consults will find reasons for his not some great health at the moment.
Last edited by june72; 09/23/0903:58 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hubby was very nice this morning- gave me a backrub, and said kind words. I am not used to all the "niceness" and "ILY"'s. Not sure how to take it all in. It has been a very long time of I hate you's, I mean he did show signs- more and more but he seemed so very stubborn.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Just remember, it's still a process not an event and you're still on a path. That's not good or bad, just is what it is
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
