What about his work hours? Has he indicated a desire to scale back his hours and become a PRESENT part of the family again?
How much of his over-working was due to the other relationship?
Your first response, when you said you might let him try again in a few years, sounded like a reasonable plan to me.
He took nearly four years destroying your marriage.
His response to that?
It was a mistake and I've got it out of my system now.
Hmmmm.....
SHOWING his faithfulness, doing ACTIONS that prove his love and commitment...these things take TIME.
You cannot be prepared to trust this man again, despite what you might think. If you make this too easy, it will resurface, either in YOU or in HIM. Maybe both at different times.
I support your choice, because it is yours and yours alone to make. But please make a choice and implement it WISELY. The recidivism rate on adultery is HIGH. It is rarely a one shot deal. He has much to heal from, as do you.
Blessings,
bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
First off concerning the lice, they live near the roots, so you'll have to comb them all out, which does take a ton of effort and patience. Just stay after it and you'll get rid of them. Also, doing the whole house disenfection is necessary too.
Concerning your stbx, I'd still advocate your moving forward and telling him he's got one year to "show" and "prove" his intentions to you. He can't say things alone, he must act.
He needs to make you feel special and sexy. He hasn't even been passionate toward you, which is a critical need for any relationship to last. You want a marriage filled w/love, commitment and passion and if he can't SHOW you that, he can't move the mountains that he needs to move.
I was told that when you have your hair colored, lice dont get on you. I hope it is true!!! I did make a therapy last night but I am itching everytime I think about it... My babysitter/housekeeper will clean the house tonight, their room and beds etc...
Lotus, you suprise me saying that. Ali send me a message from Santorini to give him a chance... I will wait a couple of years before I make up my mind... K
Unfortunately, that's not true. During 2008, my daughter had lice seven times and I had it twice. (My son never got it.)
I did everything you were supposed to do and it kept coming around again because it took quite a long time to be properly addressed at the school.
After going through this, my advice to you is: don't be embarassed. Tell your friends and your children's classmates so they can take steps to avoid it and avoid passing it around and around. There is nothing shameful about lice, they don't pass diseases and they aren't a result of poor hygiene. I was amazed that some of my daughter's best friends had lice and their parents never told me! My daughter didn't know to not share combs or hats or barrettes or anything of the sort.
I would go straight to the doctor for a prescription treatment. Lice -- here on the West Coast of the US at least -- have become highly resistant to over-the-counter treatments, mayonnaise, and all the other home remedies that seemed to work in years past. As VH said, combing through their hair is the best route. Treat 'em and pick out everything you can. After a few lookings through the hair it's quite easy to figure out what's bad and what's not. I still look through my kids heads about once a week because catching it early makes it easiest to end.
Vacuum and bag up plush items for two weeks. Do you use an electric or gas dryer? I was told that running laundry in the dryer for 20 minutes on high heat kills any eggs or bugs.
Good luck dear. It's such a pain and I was going through this when my XH and I first separated. Aurgh.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I don't know if they have this in Europe or not but I found an electric comb that zaps the lice. It runs on AA batteries and it was the one thing that finally took care of S14's outbreak a couple of years ago. He was big into hats then, not so much now. Good luck with that as I know it is a big pain.
Take everything else as it comes.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey, it's them or me (lice). And I will win this battle as well... My friends and pharmacist said not to panick and comb every night. That's my plan.
Bill, listen, I am not excited he said what he said. I am realistic. But I am also fair. His work schedule during his affair while being here, was not the same. He had 2-3 hours free every night MORE than what he has now. That is why, after he moved out, OW soon complained all she got from him was a phonecall in the morning and one in the evening... He had just gotten the promotion, 2 weeks after the move.
In his email he had a big paragraph about that. He said he WILL make sure he gets home 1-2 nights early and that his plan is to leave the evening job. IF we try. If not, he needs the money for CS and "has nothing else to do". I can see his point but I also reminded him he had told me last year he would be home early a few nights but didnt. He said, now he wants to do it and he will. He also said he is tired physically and needs to cut down on work anyway.
The time he "promises" is definitely not enough especially if he is again, not taking time off for us during a weekend etc. I will be alone.
I am not the kind of person that would cheat on him for revenge. Believe me. I am nothing like that.
He gave me more explanation about the affair yesterday. NOt adequate but nothing would be adequate I fear. He told exactly what the books say. The lust, infatuation, the new, the feeling of being "good" in her eyes etc etc. He said, NOW he knows how to NOT get where he would need to become available again for an affair, meaning he would focus on making our marriage good and strong. The words are there... K
Again, I'm not holding my breath until the letter of resignation is put in for the night job. Until he does that, his "I'm quitting my night job for us" is still nothing but more words w/no action.
I am not the kind of person that would cheat on him for revenge. Believe me. I am nothing like that.
I just wanted to clarify that I was not saying that you would choose to have an affair at some point.
When I said that one or both of you would fall back in the future, I meant that if you move too quickly, you may hold on to your hurt and it will revisit your relationship.
As for the rest, I'm glad he is saying such wonderful things.
The pull of hopefulness for our marriages is strong, as it should be.
I wish you the best.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill and friends, dont give up on me...yet. I am not falling for my stbxH. Yesterday, I told him I dont think I can do this. It is too much. And that is still true. All this hurt and disappointment is there and he caused it. I cant even imagine being alone with him for more than 5 minutes. My heart is not into this. Sad but honest. It feels like food you try to reheat for the 50th time. It feels like...settling. Yes John, you told me so. And yes, I have promised I am not settling. And it wouldnt be settling for someone that treats me badly, it would be for settling for someone that treats me nicely (in the beginnig at least) but someone that I am not in love with and do not admire.
How do you reverse all that? Do you try? Do you quit? I am not doing anything. Yetsreday when I cried on the phone, I cried and told him so, because I was talking to him, thinking what we once were and comparing that with what we are. Two lonely people, caught in a "trrap" together, with bad timing, wrong feelings, hurt and too many grey areas. I did feel better when he said, it was all his affair. For the first time he admitted that. That made ME feel better, not towards him.
So Bill, dont get upset with me, this is a process again. But I am not innocent anymore. Which means, I can protect myself. K
