bottom line..Dan is mentally ill...IMO...he is an addict..
He may have ended it with her and you in his letter but I would bet all my worldly possessions that Dan will continue on with someone else..he will find another woman who will play the game he wants to play...then toss them when he is done..
Bbj, Do yourself a favor and stop dwelling on "how could he do this?". There is no answer. He couldnt even answer it himself. All you can do is assume. But that isnt going to help you. Try to calm down and realise you have lost nothing. Your life will NOT change. You have been alone and dealing with this mess for quite some time. Take care of yourself any way you feel like. But always, always, keep your eyes on the good that is coming your way.
Dont let this bring you down, again. I know its easy to say hard to do. I am not saying this as an outsider. It's our game, our rules, remember? love K
wow, when I read that I thought the same. He is trying to save face for her. I would not be suprised if he doesn't come around to you in the next week or so but said that to her to save face and keep her in the wings too.
Kalni is right in that nothing has changed for you since you decided to seperate... except you got your hope up.... I hope you dont' do that again. You are still in the same place you where a few weeks ago and a few days ago.
I hope that you will be more guarded with Dan and your heart in the furture regarding Dan. I really do thing it was a ploy for her benefit... that signals he is not ready.
He is lost and you keep trying to find him.
Your a great girl, you got great kids and your a worker bee. You are healthy and soon you will be happy. You deserve better and will receive better in future.
In the words of Kenny Rogers:
You got to know when to hold em know when to fold em know when to walk away know when to run
Time to fold 'em and walk away.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I would really like to slap the sh*t out of him!!!1
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I would really like to slap the sh*t out of him!!!
Get in line, Sandy!
(((((((BobbiJo)))))))
I think the only way to get to the truth is to serve him, and keep moving forward. I'm inclined to think he may not be done with her. I feel even more strongly that there will be another, if it isn't her. BobbiJo, you have been a rock through it all. But I think it's time to make sure you save yourself, and your kids. Do you want them to grow up thinking Dan's way of life is acceptable? I don't think he is going to change, but if he is the only way I see it happening is if he is faced with a real loss. Not talk about it, but action. He wants out, so let him out. Or perhaps kick him out!
Oh BBJ, I'm so sorry. You can search for all the answers you want but I don't you're going to find them. There is no reasons in our rational minds as to why these things happen.
Just be there for your kids, be there for yourself and pray that Dan is going to be that involved, loving father for your kids that he sees he should be.
Don't get your expectations up, just keep on keeping on. One foot in front of the other, sista.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
This is going to sound awfull. I know how you are feeling right now and perhaps my timing is not good. Here goes anyway; this is probably the best thing that has happenned to you in a while. You will find happiness in time BBJ. I was telling K this yesterday. These people we called our spouses are not (perhaps were never) "good" people. I truly believe that. From the evidence you present (or have presented in the past) BBJ, there is no way that Dan should have the privilege of continuing his life with you by his side.
He is unconciously treating you like a yoyo. The man must have some hormone imbalance or mental illness that makes him so wishy washy. He will get back with Stephanie when his addictive urge leads him back to her. He will treat her like a yoyo also.
Thanks so much for all of the love and support. It means more than you could know. Actually, I think you DO know because we have all lived the same experience to some extent in losing our marriages.
I never allowed myself to believe we could really be 'done'. And now even though I hate it and I don't emotionally feel it 100% yet, I do know that we have to be done. Period.
I cannot trust him. I know, that should have been obvious, right?
But I don't mean about other women. I just can't trust him with my heart, my feelings, my emotions.
I do not believe what he did was intentional because I do believe there is something fundamentally wrong with him. Depression, sexual addiction, I don't know what it is. But something is wrong at the core level.
So I don't believe he meant it that way, but...
It is just sadistic to tell your wife you love her and want her and choose her and then dump her flat in an email.
I did speak to him earlier today. That was one thing I wanted to clarify.
I said, for the record, when you left my house last night, it was to go send the email. He said yes it was.
I said, and the clear message to me was that you were ending the relationship so we could start to rebuild? He said yes, that was clearly how it was presented to me.
So imagine my total shock (that isn't even a strong enough word, I don't know if there is one) to open the email this morning and read that you were ending it with me as well?
Basically he said he just decided that he couldn't handle even one more R talk, the strain of the effort of it all was just too much.
That doesn't sound quite right. But I am sure you guys get it to an extent. When you have had a draining 'talk' where you just see your whole relationship from 2 very different perspectives, it is draining. To try and reinvent the wheel.
I told him I hated the R talks too. That my impression was that after he ended the affair we would do the work to rebuild and never have to have 'those' types of talks ever again.
You know what, it is what it is now. Of all the things he has done this to me is the cruelest. I spent the last 3 days imagining us renewing our vows, us living together, making love, holding hands, being a family with our children. I let myself believe even though I knew his attempt felt lukewarm.
I cannot let myself get those hopes up again bc the pain I feel today is worse than any of the pain I have felt in the past 3 years of this. Because I allowed myself to have real hope again. I cannot allow him to 'touch' me like that again.
