Bbj, Didi is right. Dont you dare drop the D. Loot at the truth and keep moving. No use sugarcoating anyone and anything. Would you want Sydney married to a man like Dan? What would you tell her if she were in your shoes? K
Kevin, I believe in God. And maybe, just maybe, God decided to save Bbj from an unworthy man as her partner. Maybe, just maybe, cheating and exposing your wife to diseases and emotionally abusing her and CHOOSING between her and a another woman, neglecting your kids to screw around and ignoring your wife's years of trying to stand for your relationship, puuting her down and hurting her every single time she trusted you, are things God hates even more than D ...
So last time I posted, someone wonder how my situation could be going on 13 years. BBJ is the perfect example of how it happens.
My spouse had a history of EA. We had a 3 year old and he got transfered 1000 miles away. While I was closing down our "old" life, my husband was starting a new EA. He told me, "Stay where you are. Keep everything. I'll see our child 4 weeks a year." I went into a panic for my chid. I thought we "worked" things out so I moved. In reality I was busy buying a new house, finding a new school, finding new activities, finding new doctors, making new friends, etc. and my husband was back to his old ways -- busy having an EA.
Now my situation got worse. After the "newness" wore off, I found myself in a city I HATED but my husband loved. The thought of a D and having to stay in that city was out of the question. So finally after 7 years I convinced him to move. I thought that things get better but in reality I was busy buying a new house, finding a new school, finding new activities, finding new doctors, making new friends, etc. and my husband was back to his old ways -- busy having an EA.
See how this works BBJ ?
Then one day you've had enough and you break the cycle. I kicked him out and started GAL, you will file papers and GAL. They don't know this game so they up the ante. They have to get us back into a panic. They have to get us back in their game so they can go back to their comfort zones of having their family and having their EAs and PAs. We are moving on and they can't stand it.
Their game is out and out control. I finally realized all of this when I read Patricia Evans book "Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You." See, after I read the book I went back to the start of our relationship and realized that from day one my husband used the same methods of manipulation. I saw the incidents as "bad patches" but really he was setting me into a panic so he could control me.
After I kicked him out I let him back home because he wanted to work on a relationship with my daughter. They finally have a really good relationship. We don't but I never had any expectation that we ever would again. He's a mess and sees nothing wrong with himself. Oh well, I continue to GAL and have a great life now.
He can do or say whatever he wants and I never panic anymore. I come and go as I please. I don't invite him to join me unless I want to. I don't plan my life around his. I say what I want. In short, I don't walk on eggshells anymore. But, I really wish I had taken him up on his offer to stay behind and keep everything when he got transfered 13 years ago. Because, I would have broken the cycle. I would have found a new life. In reality, he didn't mean any of it, he just knew if he said it he could manipulate me.
My point, do what I didn't do. Get the D and take all you can get. If he doesn't get extensive help and you let him back make sure you have a prenuptial. If he does get help and comes back it's your call.
Basically he said he just decided that he couldn't handle even one more R talk, the strain of the effort of it all was just too much.
WTF!?!?! Unacceptable. This is how he moves mountains to save his family and the smile on his children's faces? Not. B-effing-S. Seriously. I know you are too close to see it, BBJ, but please. Just. Stop.
Your thread says "Give it to me straight." This is a marriage saving site and I've found myself holding back posting the glaringly obvious steps to do this because each time you get your hopes up you shoot yourself in the foot. Well, that and you are too good for this lazy man-child. Ironically, everyone is telling you exactly what to do if you want a chance in Hell to save your marriage!
Serve him the papers. Detach and move forward. Take back the control and stop giving the choice to HIM! Your choice, your game, your rules...
You tried to piece it on your own. You tried retrouvaille (miss ya Sara), you tried everything but insisting Dan get the help he needs to function as a provider and father, let alone husband. He doesn't like women and has a daughter! He will be floundering soon and reaching for that life raft, darn it make him swim!
Drop the D. What purpose does it serve? Are you in this to win your H's soul back or not? Are you trying to please God or not. Your signature basically says that God is important to you. Why then pursue something that God says he hates, namely divorce? Why not trust in Him for the outcome of your marriage and be patient and wait for His perfect timing? The world will tell you to D your covenant H and find someone else. That isn't what God tells you to do.
I only say this because you mentioned God in your signature. Don't pay attention to the world, pay attention to what the bible says and what you know to be true. Keep praying for your H's soul to be saved and for your M to be saved. Trust in God, not in people.
Kevin
Kevin
I can see by your signature line you are a glutton for punishment...bomb, reconcile, bomb..dismissed, separated..YAda, yada, yada...
but what the hell..you hang in there..I think you got a good chance..
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 09/24/0910:40 AM.
...similarly my sitch has been going on for at least 11 years, but in actuality more like 20 (our entire marriage). Why? because I let it. H has had no reason to change, he likes things this way, he is comfortable like things have been.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
Bbj, Kevin, I believe in God. And maybe, just maybe, God decided to save Bbj from an unworthy man as her partner. Maybe, just maybe, cheating and exposing your wife to diseases and emotionally abusing her and CHOOSING between her and a another woman, neglecting your kids to screw around and ignoring your wife's years of trying to stand for your relationship, puuting her down and hurting her every single time she trusted you, are things God hates even more than D ...
Please, lets keep our sanity here.
Kalni I really really like what you wrote here. It is taking everything I have to continue with my D and every time I read something like Kevin wrote I think uh oh am I doing the wrong thing? Is this a sign I should try one more time? But no! I have been trying all these years. I may not have been the perfect wife, but I have done nothing to deserve the behavior my H has displayed and continues to display. BBJ has not either. We are both married to men who need to fall on their knees and begin a relationship with the man upstairs. Only then can they hope to conquer their demons and begin to repair the other relationships in their lives.
I finally understand that I am standing in the way of that happening. My prayer is that my H (and Dan) will find peace one day. But I know that what I (we) am living is not what God intended marriage to be.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I am all for religion as a basic guideline to lead a "good" life. However, the sense I get from Kevin's post is that there are no exceptions. Incidentally, who wrote the bible and who interprets it? Is it not "people"? Doing things in the name of God or a higher being (when taken to extremes) can lead to some less than pallatable situations. History is littered with examples of this....I get an uneasy feeling when our own religious beliefs and interpretations of scripture find their way to these boards.
Kevin, I have not done this lightly. I do not want to step on your beliefs. I have been to the Rejoice ministries website. It left me confused.
When I talked to my pastor (again) about my marriage six weeks or so ago, I mentioned the site. He said (in nicer terms) it was a bunch of crap. God does indeed HATE divorce however he allows it due to the hardness of men's hearts.
When you have a spouse who in continuing to live outside of God's will (adultery, porn, manipulation, etc), it is not loving to continue to be nice to them and let them live that way. Jesus had to get angry and throw over the tables in the temple, right? Sometimes, being nice is NOT being loving.
I also called the Christian authors of the "Boundaries" books, Cloud and Townsend. Look them up, Kevin. They are Christians. And they told me in no uncertain terms that the ONLY hope for my marriage is to file and force my H to face the consequences for his decisions. He may have true repentance, he may not. But "lovingly accepting" him this way will not help anything.
OK enough about that. I know my faith is so important to me, that I don't want to step on someone else's. Just wanted to clear that up.
I did give him the papers last night. He looked at them for a minute, then said he would take them with him and read them. Of course he looked sad but he did take them. Just has to get the one paper notarized and returned to me.
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
