Give it to me straight!

[mishka422]

(((BBJ))))

I hadn't thought of the example of Jesus throwing the tables over in the temple in relation to D but it is parallel isn't it? Thanks for that!!!

I hope to goodness that Dan doesn't drag his feet on this. That would only be more manipulation and control on his part. I hope can see at least that much.

Love the joke K! Good one!!

[BobbiJo]

OK get ready for a ramble...

Has anyone seen Gone with the Wind?

There is a part toward the end when Rhett tells Scarlett their marriage is over. She allows herself to be devastated for a moment. Then she has an epiphany:

"He doesn't know that I love him. I'll TELL him I love him, and it will be okay" (I paraphrase )

So she runs through the fog--literally--back home to tell him. She honestly thinks it will change everything.

Then when he rejects her again, she tells herself "I can't think about that right now or I'll go mad. I'll think about that tomorrow."


Been pondering my role in all of this, years down the road. I think for the past almost 3 years I have been living in the Land of Magical Thinking.

I kept (keep?) thinking that if I say this, if I do this, then such-and-such will happen. And I have not ever allowed myself to follow the D road to the full end.

Sure I have said I will be okay. I have said that I know another man will love me if/when I choose to put myself out there again. I have told myself a lot of things. But it has pretty much been a house of cards. Behind everything was my gut conviction that we would NEVER really get divorced. How could we? I love him and he loves me, that means it will always come back...

This morning I found myself fighting the urge to send an email. Anything small that would result in his sending a reply. One that would give me that microscopic grain of hope to hold on to.

And I realized that is how it has been this whole time. We try (use that term loosely), he backs off. I manipulate (yes, it is a form of manipulation)until I hear something I want to hear. Like, "I don't want a divorce" or "I still love you" or "this isn't what I want" or "maybe someday".

I didn't contact him today. I fought the urge because even if I got the result I was fishing for, it would still get me right back where I have been. Limbo land. Can't live there anymore.

So I think maybe I need a counselor to help me battle the Magical Thinking and denial. It has been my safety net so I don't go mad, as Scarlet would say. But it hasn't helped me and has actually left me kind of paralyzed.

[mishka422]

YOU JUST HIT THE NAIL DIRECTLY ON THE HEAD BBJ!

What is the saying? Talk is cheap? Even the talk we do in our own heads is cheap. It's not based in reality and it can lead us to do pretty desperate things.

I still battle with myself about sending a text, sending an email, just being that niggling little gnat buzzing by XH's ear every now and then. Trust me, it doesn't make me feel good to realize that I still crave that contact, but it's only because I had it for so long. The M was dead a long time before the life support was pulled.

So, how to circumvent these impulses?

SHOCK THERAPY! Ok, not literally....only a little. It's the good old rubber band trick. What is that called? Is that cognitive therapy? Get the meanest rubber band you can find and any time an impulse to call Dan, text him, email him, drive by, etc. comes up...snap it. Not a gentle pull...a HARD snap. It shocks you back to reality pretty quick. I'm actually doing that right now but for totally different reasons (negative self-talk stuff).

A C would be wonderful for you. You have read the books, you know the talk, you now need help to employ what you have learned. Talking your feelings out with a neutral party is enormously helpful and you can gain a lot of insight from it.

I am sure you will come through this well BBJ. You know yourself, you recognize where your weaknesses are and have a genuine desire to change them. You have won several battles already, now you just need a strategic plan to win the war!

(((((((((((((((BBJ))))))))))))))))

[DiDi]

I did give him the papers last night. He looked at them for a minute, then said he would take them with him and read them. Of course he looked sad but he did take them. Just has to get the one paper notarized and returned to me.

(((BBJ))) ...that had to have been one of the most heart wrenching moments of your life. Be extra good to yourself again tonight. Did you find some comfort food last evening?

Some might suggest that Dan needs to hit rock bottom before he learns to look up. That catching him whenever he falls (that's our loving instinct, and perfectly fine when dealing with a healthy partner) may be holding him back from getting the help he needs.

When he figures out how lucky he was to have your love, and how much he lost... he WILL be seeking help. We just have no way of knowing when he'll finally fall to his knees.

I believe you gave him a lot to think about. I believe you just gave him the chance to save his life. He can't keep going on this way either. Sometimes people only grow when staying the same hurts worse than changing.

That was really brave...

[Trixi]

BBJ- I don't think I have ever posted to you, but I wanted to say I have been following your story for a very long time. Your last post really REALLY resonated with me and I felt compelled to post.
I admire how willing you are to share your thoughts/challenges. I know that 'hearing' how you will be fine and actually *knowing* you'll be fine are two different things.

All I really wanted to say is that you wrote something I could have written...seeing the reality for what it REALLY is..is frightening for me.

You're in my thoughts-
Trix'

[K4D]

Alright,

I have to say something here. I know I said I would stay out of it. But I have to comment here.

SOMETHING is telling you to not give up. SOMETHING is urging you to keep trying for your covenant marriage.

What do you truly think that SOMETHING is? And where OR WHO do you think it might be coming from putting that urge in you to keep trying?

Food for thought,

Kevin

[Trixi]

But Kevin, even Dobson says a line has to be drawn in the sand in the Tough Love book.
Dan broke the covenant/breached the contract a loooooong time ago. God doesn't want us to live in denial. He wants us to be able to see reality and turn to him for support.
Dan just said *he* is giving up. BBJ had hopes, Dan dashed them, again. He needs to wrestle with the devil by himself and learn to turn to God.

I'm sorry. I guess I am projecting because I have been confused by this same matter (standing or not) but Jesus said that we should love our neighbor as ourselves. I would never want my neighbor to go thru this hell. Sometimes the only way for someone to turn to God is to NOT be there is the crutch. BBJ has always been there.

[john210]

Hey BBJ,

Hope you are doing a little better. It's all upside from here BBJ ... trust me. I have been there, hell we all have. We all think that we are different or our spouses are different than the others on here. This can not happen to me...etc.etc.
Reality is a tough pill to swallow. But the sooner we do it the better. At a certain point, we have to realize that perhaps we are fighting a losing battle and drop the ammunition....surrender. Maybe the prize is just not worth the effort. One thing is sure BBJ, we hold our WASs dear to our hearts and respect them an awful lot, maybe even love them unconditionally. Sadly, they (WASs) are no where close to caring for us as we do for them. So, I say GOOD LUCK to them and see you in the next life.....I hope you regret it one day.
You will find someone who appreciates you for who you are....with very little effort on your part. You will also appreciate him. It's a big world out there and we only go around once....so enough limboland!

Pulling for you!

PS. So, if a higher being is planting the seed to keep trying, then I guess I am the lower being because I think you have tried more than enough!

[K4D]

Trixie,

How many times did Jesus say we are to forgive someone when being wronged? He said forgive others so that your father will forgive you. I disagree with the whole crutch thing. What she has shown her H is unconditional love and a willingness to continue to forgive despite all the circumstances that have been thrown her way.

Kevin

[K4D]

This is a divorce BUSTING site right? Not a file for divorce site right? Just wondering.

Kevin