Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Weak moment last night. My WAW was watching some band play in a city to the north. The girls were supposed to be at the grandmother's house.

After I got off work I had a couple of drinks with friends -- and drove by the house. That was mistake No. 1. I saw a car there I did not recognize. And I decided to check things out.

Turns out the grandmother -- W's mom had just bought a new car, I'd forgotten -- and she decided to watch the girls at our house and I woke her up. I was very embarrassed.

I had to pick the girls up this morning -- it's my weekend. The W's mom wasn't upset. We had a short talk where I apologized to her for how I've treated her in the past. It's part of my trying to live openly and honestly.

I texted the WAW to tell her what I'd done and apologize.

She got to the house before I'd left with the girls and she was in a great mood -- all smiles. And wasn't upset with me.

Of course, that means she'd been out all night. I looked at my phone and she texted me at 1:50 a.m. to let me know her mom was at the house.

So where did she stay last night. I'm hoping she slept on the couch of the friend from work she went with. I know I'm supposed to detach, detach, detach, but weekends are driving me crazy. I'm fine during the week when it's all about getting the girls to the right places.

My head tells me that her going out should be good, that perhaps she'll eventually realize she already had everything she needed when she tires of the bar scene.

But my heart really can't take it.

[C-Bart]

Yep you screwed up. Any idea why she didn't get upset or wasn't angry with you? Kind of simple. She expected it. Maybe not the actual stopping by the house but this is "more of the same" behavior. You have not changed her expectations and/or opinion of you. Therefore the course of action can not or will not change. She has this all mapped out and things are going according to plan

Shake it up. No R talk. No more letters. Do something different for yourself not the M.

Start by changing her label. WAW puts the emphasis on her having a problem. You both contributed to this and both of you need to change in order to survive. You just happen to be the one who has to lead the charge.

[C-Bart]

HopeInWaiting,

It has been really hard for me because I'm so tied into the girls day-to-day lives even though I'm out of the house.

This is a great thing! This is shaking it up a bit. I'm assuming you were like most of Dads who left all the Kid stuff to mom. Now you work on making all the interactions between your W and you as positive as possible. Every day you have the opportunity to break away at that wall of separation.

[ClingingToHope]

A couple of calls from WAW over the weekend. Saturday she called to see how the girls were doing. They weren't feeling well but we still managed a trip into the apple orchard.

Sunday she wanted to know when I was bringing them back. I said I planned on keeping them until school on Monday because I had to work Friday night. It's a busy week of work for her -- she runs the United Way campaign and her co-chair will miss most of the week because of a death in the family.

I listened and commiserated with her.

Monday morning, I brought the girls over for school and she was way late leaving for work. She looked really tired.

Such an up-and-down weekend emotionally. I don't know about anyone else but weekends are my enemy. The week is sooo normal because we both always had busy schedules and I'm still doing much of the getting kids from here to there.

It's the weekends that are killing me. The ones I have them I spend too much time wondering what she's doing. The ones I don't I spend most of my time just trying to fill in the time.

When does it become "normal?"

[ClingingToHope]

Question to the group, how do you stop jumping to the worst conclusion?

[ClingingToHope]

In the never-ending search to identify baby steps. She keeps saying "we" when talking about tickets I bought to take our D10 to the Miley Cyrus concert in Chicago.

It's the same day as a school event -- of all the luck. I bought the tickets after I moved out. But "we" is good.

Still no talk of pushing anything forward -- D, closing accounts, selling the house.

My GALing was looking good. I've got fun Friday plans, but my Saturday plans fell through and I'm looking for something to do. I don't want to just sit home, although I could catch up on reading and do some computer projects.

I'm working on three things:

1. Becoming a world-class listener

2. Learn to underreact

3. Focus on how far I've come in five months when pain/jealousy/heartbrake seeps into my consciousness.

Seems to be working, but it's Tuesday. I get progressively weaker throughout the week.

[ClingingToHope]

Got a call from the W today. It's been three weeks since we had a great talk and agreed to talk for an hour on the phone on lunchbreak. She hasn't called to talk about us though since. Thought maybe that was it today, but she was just filling me in on D7's morning.

She runs the United Way campaign at her work and that's going on this week so she's insanely busy. What strikes me about her tone lately is that there seems to be no pain, no anger, nothing. Just normal.

I guess my fear is that all of the 180s in the world won't help if there's no wavering in her mind. I read threads where there's guilt and anxiety over breaking the family up. I don't detect any of that. But maybe she's putting on a front.

I guess time will tell.

[ClingingToHope]

Here's a good one. W calls. She's going to be late getting home and asks if I can go watch the girls until she gets there. Problem is I'm covering for someone at work tonight.

I break away for an hour to watch the girls. She thanks me when I get home. I head back to work where my boss is mad at me for leaving.

Rock and a hard place.

I'm really not in trouble at work. I'm about the last person they'll let go, but I'm trying to get promoted so I can't be putting W's needs in front of mine all the time anymore either.

[Kemper]

At some level you were showing compassion for the situation and trying to be a “friend”.

I have/had the same issue with always wondering who/what/where. You need to stop that and focus on yourself. You can’t change anything your W does nor can you try to control it. DO NOT focus on anything negative. The comment about “hoping she slept on the couch of a friend from work she went with”. What if she got so drunk that she made it to her car and made the right decision not to drive, what if she just slept in the car? There are a million ways you can spin it in your head but you can’t focus on the negative.

[ClingingToHope]

Kemper, yes. Your are right. There was a post earlier about the LBS always jumping to the worst conclusion and that's what I've been doing. I'm feeling better this week by trying to focus on how far I've already come in less than five months when a jealous/pity fit hits me.