Hope and heartache

[JayMan]

This is what I did - also, I schedule 99% of the things I have to do when I don't have the kids, and spend every single minute with them. This way, I don't feel as bad about not talking to them a lot when I don't have them.

Of course, I have them 4 nights a week, and about 65% of the time, so that helps too!

[ClingingToHope]

Had parent/teacher conferences last night and both are doing great, much better than last year. Last year, they both struggled so much that it was a major contributing factor in our split -- the stress levels just got so high.

We had a much better plan in place this year and it's paying off.

But here's a baby step in reverse. W asked me about the taxes and whether we'd be getting a sizable one. I said we would because we have a $750 tax credit coming for some new windows we had installed before I moved out.

She said that was good because she's trying to figure out how to get the rest of the windows paid off.

This was remarkable in that when I was home, taking care of the finances, she never thought more than a day ahead. If she liked/wanted/needed something, she bought it. Now, she's being forced to think long-term.

BUT it also shows she continues to plan ahead for life without me. So that was depressing.

Cake-eating issue today. D7 went to school but teacher called, saying she's too sick. W calls me to say she can't take the day off. She doesn't ask me to, instead she says D7 can go to a daycare place. D7 and D10 hate the place. D7 asks if she can go home with me when I pick her up.

I have a flexible job and a flexible boss so I say yes and I'm in right now gathering stuff up to work from home.

Some would say I'm letting W walk all over me. I think it's just being a good dad.

[ClingingToHope]

Home with sick daughter today, which gave me lots of time to think. And my thoughts weren't good. I basically married an unhappy person. That's part of the reason I was attracted to her. I thought I could make her happy.

But then life progressed in an intersting way.

We got married, she thought that would make her happy.

When she got in her current job she hated it, she wanted to get into management. That would make her happy.

Having kids would make her happy.

We were living in an apartment and she really wanted a house. That would make her happy.

We lived next door to my mother. When she died, the W needed to move to make her happy. So we bought a much larger house that my mom used to own.

She got promoted three times in four years at work. Each time she was excited but soon was eyeing another job. Now, she's been in the same position for six years. If she could just get promoted, that would make her happy.

The youngest daughter struggled in school and was diagnosed with ADHD, if we could just figure out to deal with her, that would make her happy.

Her old friends all kind of drifted off and she was told by management that she shouldn't be hanging out with her work friends. So if she could just find a hobby, that would make her happy.

After each child was born, she worked her way back down to a size 2 because being in shape would make her happy.

Now, she's a size 14 because that will make her happy.

She bought a dog three years ago because she had one growing up. That would make her happy.

So now I'm caught up in the wash. Each of these things in the end did not make her happy. Me, I always did my level best to make these things happen for her because I believed as well that these things would make her happy.

When they happened and she still wasn't happy, it'd throw me in a funk as well.

And she's still searching. She thinks life without me will make her happy.

So far, from what I can see, her stress level is the same even though I'm not there and both daughters are thriving in school.

The next culprit is going to be the house she wanted 12 years ago. It's too big for her to take of on her own, if she could just sell it, then that will make her happy.

Unfortunately, we owe more than it's worth because of a flood in 2007 and there's no way it'll sell until late next year.

That works against me because even after she sells, it'll be something else. The D10 is heading is closing in on the troublesome teen years and I already can hear it in my head, once D10 gets out of high school, that will make her happy.

One thing I have going for me is that I'm comfortable in my own skin. Sure, my situation is no fun now, but about five years ago I really learned that I have a pretty good life.

I have a good job that pays well, not great, but well and it's a fun job where I can come and go as I please.

I have two wonderful daughters who love me and look up to me. They have issues, but it wouldn't be fun if they were perfect.

I have -- or had -- an aging but functional house in a great neighborhood. Now, I have a very nice apartment nearby with nice neighbors and the daughters already feel at home.

I'm closer than ever to several friends and family members.

I know in the end I will survive. Life is good.

So what does this mean for us. I can work as hard as possible on myself -- and I will, I'm not going to give up -- but until she realizes her life is basically good and accepts that this is what God chose for her, she will never turn back to me, she'll continue to search for the magic potion that will make it all better.

It's going to be painful to watch.

[ClingingToHope]

Of course, I have them 4 nights a week, and about 65% of the time, so that helps too!

If everything follows the D path, I'm going to ask for more time. Right now it's one night a week and every other weekend. I see them every school day after school as well because I have a job I can leave for an hour a day to be there when they get off the bus. At 3:40 an after school sitter comes over.

I hope a D is not the end result but I'm preparing myself for it. Right now my W's job is very unflexible and she puts in 65 hours a week so I end up doing a lot of the ferrying around.

But that may change some day. There's a possibility I may get promoted. If I was "at home" I wouldn't even have applied because together we make plenty and at least one of us has to have flexibility.

Now, if I'm offered the job I have to take it. It'll mean the days of leaving at 4:30 p.m. when I want to take D7 to dance class will either be over or curtailed quite a bit, but I have to face reality. I need to make more money and doing it in my career and not working every other weekend is a better way to do it.

It also would create a curious 180. I've been sacrificing my career for W's -- and the family's needs -- since 2004 even though I have the greater career potential. W is limited because she doesn't have a college degree. Now, she'd either have to step up and figure out a way to be able to be more available to the girls or she'll have to cut back their activities.

[ClingingToHope]

W called this morning about D10's health. She has bronchitis and it's just not getting better. It was a fine conversation, totally on D10, nothing about us.

At one point I did toss in that she ought to try a book I'm reading about how to better talk to your kids. DB counselor Dottie asked me to read it to learn how to talk to W, but I see it as more of a help with the kids.

In any case, it shows her I'm using my time to improve -- but she knows that already. I have to show it's not a ploy or short-term thing.

I keep trying to remember patience, patience, patience. I've always been a day dreamer and I've had scenario after scenario playing in my head about how we'd break through this and talk about reconciling.

Right now, I can't think of any way it will happen. Maybe that's good, maybe that means I'm accepting the status quo and whatever happens, happens. I like going through the forums and finding the stories where things looked bleak and then 9 months or a year later the "newness" wears off the freedom and the WAS realizes the problems weren't the spouses but themselves.

I did use a tip I got on these boards last night. I messaged W at 8 p.m. to tell her I'd be calling the kids to say goodnight. I felt bad about going dark the whole weekend because it means going dark on the girls.

So I'm going to do a halfway thing, message W to say I'm calling for the girls each night I don't have them. If she wants to initiate conversation that's up to her.

[ClingingToHope]

I talk such a good game but still don't play one. W just called about the girls coming over tonight. Instructions on taking tea with me, breathrite strips for sick D10.

Then she says, well I'll be getting home soon and I'll put it on the table for you to take in case I'm not there.

It's a Wednesday. Where would she be going on a Wednesday? Usually she works late -- especially since she keeps complaining how far behind she is at work.

So my mind starts racing and I'm trying to stop it. I have to follow my own advice and stop imagining she has this super fun life when she's on her own.

Easier said than done.

[C-Bart]

..I've always been a day dreamer and I've had scenario after scenario playing in my head about how we'd break through this and talk about reconciling.

I've had that dream once or twice myself. I've never actually heard it work that way though.

[ClingingToHope]

Wow, did I have a tough night last night. I had my daughters and my W was off who knows where. She wasn't working.

I couldn't stop imagining the worst. Why do I care? It's as if I'm only going to be happy if she's home miserable.

I have days I'm doing great and days I'm just out of my mind with loneliness. Last night was like that and I had my girls there.

I couldn't help feeling how unfair it is that I have to wait patiently for her to make up her mind. I resolved at one point to say in January, when my lease is up, either we commit to working on the M or I file for divorce.

Maybe she'll beat me to it and file Jan. 2. I know limboland was really difficult last night.

I'm feeling better this morning, but that's because W is at work. When does the emotional attachment and sense of rejection go away?

[ClingingToHope]

Picked up Divorce Remedy last night and am re-reading it. The most comforting part are the statistics about D. Call me a sadist, but I felt better knowing W's life likely won't be a bed of roses if she follows down the path.

I'm just down this week. It's been four weeks since there was any positive movement. There's been no negative movement but limboland is tough.

[ClingingToHope]

Here's another struggle -- how do you keep up the happy facade when you are not. I have a terrible poker face -- which is why my friends always ask me to play.

I had to see W this morning as I got the kids off to school and after last night I couldn't muster the big smiling good morning. On the way out, she asked about a direct deposit screwup on our second mortgage, which she is responsible for.

I mumbled a short response and left. I don't know if she was looking for help, I just needed to get out of there.