She needs you now and will every day. Not when you feel comfortable. She now thinks she has lost you too and you are confirming that. You are making YOUR PAIN more important than comforting and reassuring her that you ARE in her life NOW and always will be. Your job now is to reassure your d of your love and unwavering presence in HER LIFE...stop whining and man up to being a good father. Worry about your W a lot less and your d a lot more. Now.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
A poem written in a few minutes for my WAW. No idea which forum this should be on - if any!
In this instant
You could be here warm in my arms instead of alone on the end of a couch. You could be talking to me instead of listening to others. You could be doing what you want instead of being told what to do. You could be laughing with friends instead of them listening to your sadness. You could be warm in our bed instead of alone in yours and cold. You could be waking up to a smile instead of looking in the mirror and wondering if this day will ever end. You could be helping where you can in your own home instead of feeling you need to repay a debt. You could put a smile on peoples faces instead of a frown of concern. You could be watching rugby and cricket instead if football! You could be on the Internet instead of stuck in the dark. You could enjoy a rainbow instead of wishing the rain would end. You could listen to gentle snoring instead of wondering why it was so quiet! You could listen to sad music with a smile instead of thinking it was written about you. You could be using the phone instead of waiting for a call. You could be looking forward to arriving home instead of dreading the arrival at someone elses. You could be driving our car instead of waiting for a lift. You could be making love instead of wondering if you'll ever find it again. And you could see the love in my eyes instead of nothing you see now. You could choose to stay and make a difference instead of feeling forced away. You could choose to cry tears of joy instead of tears of hurt.
You could change all of this in the blink of an eye or the flap of a butterfly wing if you choose.
Listen to your heart and friends. You have so many that you don't listen to but instead you talk at them about things past.
The day he left, I was on the floor, sobbing like I never have in my life and after a while, something inside of me clicked and I found myself telling myself to stand up, just stand up - so I did. Looking back, I know in that moment that I decided to survive. I kept on crying and did for months and months, but the standing up, picking myself up - alone - getting up off of the floor, showed me that I had made the decision to fight to get my happiness back...and I have.
"From all that you've said, it didn't seem to me like you should be dark when it comes to your W - that's very much an extreme response to an extreme situation - and so if you still have some possibilities of communication, by all means, keep them open - just do so with a perspective shift - talking with her as an exercise in listening, rather than wanting to be heard - and remembering that if she's sharing anything with you about why she's unhappy that you should not disagree with her or argue with her - sometimes what she might say is clear as day to her - sometimes it comes from her own pain and confusion - and either way - listening, being there to listen - and not to solve, interfere or question her is a way to express your detached, healthy love without imposing your will on her in any way."
If we could all just remember to love this unselfishly it would be a much better world. Thank you, Carlos.
Counseling first, then we'll talk about divorce if that doesn't work. "Well it won't! I want out! I want a D!" I would say "I understand. You've explained this to me before and again, I would like counseling so I can be as sure as you." Infuriated him. I told him "This conversation is old, you always get so upset, so maybe you should stop bringing it up?" Eventually, he did.
From 'Stonger' ... which has helped me greatly. I am adapting it to fit several situations, not just D talk ...
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
In late May my wife had a death in her family and she has been under a lot of stress,work,home,money.By July "accept if I want to stay with a man that will not change." "I talk for my husband,told to focus on me."What she didn't know is I have wanted to change a lot.Like most men wait until it becomes a crisis. It started she said she was "broken" and "numb" no feeling at all to extreme anger to me,she says terrible things to me,but it would be ok,fortunately "more good than bad."August "hope we get through this too, you're not helping your cause." "I want to be alone."She is showing a lot of signs of a midlife crisis.we are currently seperated she is seeing a counselor I am seeing a counselor,that has a hunch at somepoint this would have happened regardless of who she married after meeting w/ her he said she said i never offered emotional support?, we are not going together,she is seeing someone for her issues me for ours.Late July she said she did love me,i didn't realize i was pushing and it spiraled down hill too quick.we have been seperated for 2 months and our relationship has not gotten anybetter.I am following the last resort techniques and changing myself found out I have ADD working a 40 hr wk vs 65,reading books,phone sessions,focusing on myself and kids.Oh we are currently switching weeks at the house,but she is saying don't worry about her focus on me build a relationship on the kids.Only positive is email about the kids, no texts about us or calls or discussion about us from her or me.Did tell me she is seeing her counselor and her counselor knows everything about me, wife doesn't know, but I have seen this counselor a lot,too,but counselor isn't telling me what my wife says, but she knows my intentions.But I am the only one her tone of voice changes with if she talks to me.She is seeing this counselor to help her find her voice and empower herself and will not take any suggestions from me even as a friend.Ideas would be great. Is there a difference between a female or males midlife crisis?Or is this a WAW with a lot of built up anger?Can someone tell me what to expect and chances of putting this back together?I have always been committed to her and kids.She has built a relationship with a neighbor who has told me they have a "brother/sister relationship."I do not think they are intimate.He is older,but they do a lot for eachother and talk nonstop,he even offered her his house this week while I have kids.Wife's counselor knows this,too. HELP!!! Lived together since 19 Married 15yrs Both 37 2 children 14yr old g, 11yr old b all yrs of marriage worked seperate shifts,she handled finances
Then we talked about intimacy, not the physical kind, and she told me to take heart about the verbal/emotional intimacy we've been building.
DB Coach: That's the *real* intimacy in a relationship; not the sex. It's the sharing of your innermost thoughts and feelings, trusting your partner with vulnerabilities, insecurities, warts and all. If you can listen, validate and make him safe sharing those things with you, *thats* intimacy.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
