I'm not quite divorced yet, but I've started doing the same thing. XW will try to bait me - talk about an argument that happened literally 8 years ago. I've started pretty much ignoring everything - I do share things about the kids, and she instantly begins attacking me because she hates it that the kids love me so much - on top of obvious guilt from A.
You are doing the right thing - ignoring the bait, but making sure boundaries are established.
I'm so pumped about the Huskies! I liked the hiring of Sarkisian, but didn't predict the USC upset. The real test will come when they have to play Stanford this weekend on the road. If they do well there and can pull out a win, this may be a bowl team!
Wow! That would feel so good for us long-suffering Dawg fans!
I'm sorry you are in the throes of a D and your stbx is displaying some of the similar behaviors as mine. It is sad, but you do have to try and ignore as much as possible.
I'm still guilty of engaging her, but lately, I've been more apt to call her on the carpet for things if I'm going to contest anything at all. She usually backs down when she realizes she's wrong.
However, I do look to pick my battles and I'm trying to stay cordial and polite when I see her and her new BF. In fact, in one of our last correspondences, I asked her if she realized how rude her and BF were to me when I exchanged D and if they truly believed that D didn't notice. XW's reply was "We've been in a hurry to get to places after we pick up D."
In such a hurry you can't even say hello? I've asked her this question but haven't heard a reply. There is nothing I can do that will make my XW less angry, but my questions are really for me to get them out of me, so not only do I expect to hear from her, but I don't really care to either.
Take care and I'll hopefully hear back from you soon.
I've been wanting to post to your specific information for a while, but haven't done much of any posting.
I am glad you chimed in when you did and in the fashion you did. I am grateful for the challenge as it has caused me to reflect and pin-point where I'm being a bit of a "wuss."
I've not explained everything well which has led to some misunderstandings in interpretations, but for the most part, you did nail some things that I'm not only processing, but have been putting into practice over the past few weeks I've been off the board.
Confidence is the key for me and being in charge of me and my life is what I need to continue to focus on. The male perspective is quite different than that of the female, but I understand what you are saying and can see what does apply to my sitaution.
It is basically continuing to GAL and being confient in my decisions. Clingy and needy isn't attractive. I agree and your words have allowed me to check myself.
I'm feeling better w/my attitude and as phoenixdeux mentioned, just the "vibe" of me being independnet is enough for her to reach out to me.
More consistency is what I need in order to see what this truly will become.
Your opinion is welcomed ALWAYS and I'm one who would rather be challenged than told what "I want to hear." I value the male perspective as much as I do the female perspective. So I hope you (along w/the females out there who slap me around to keep me focused on the important things) will keep on posting and I'm hoping you'll be a regular contributor to this thread, my friend.
RTL PS - The DAM comment from me was sarcastic and tongue in cheek. I know I'm not a DAM but I do accept the fact that males just aren't as naturally good at relationships and emotions as women. It doesn't come easily or naturally for us, but a real man will work at understanding the female in his life and try to be more receptive. Thus, by calling myself a DAM, I don't really think I am, but I do admit to not having women "figured out." I'm a sarcastic one by nature, so I hope you can see the sarcasam of my self-labelling
I want to quickly address two points that I think I was vague on the softball and exercise/gym points, so I'll clarify a bit.
Playing softball was my idea and I initially told her I'd look for a team for us to play on (or at least for me if she wasn't interested). She found one at work and signed us up, so I said great and just ran w/it.
She's played w/a significant other before and had a bad experience, so her being willing to play w/me is a big step for her and it also is a bit of a lowering of her guard too.
As for the gym, I'm not currently a member of a gym and she had mentioned wanting to get back exercising regularly again. I mentioned that it is always nice to work out w/your partner as it motivates you both as well as is a good way to bond.
She again had a previous experience w/working out w/someone she was involved in and said there was no way she'd ever work out w/me for that very reason. I said ok and continued to work out on my own.
However, a few weeks ago, she asked me if I'd be interested in joining her gym so we could work out together and push each other. I said sure and will be joining her gym soon.
I guess I just wanted to clarify and state that I'm not blindly following her and letting her lead, but I've been in the forefront and have continued to do the things I wanted. As she's becomming more comfortable and trusting w/me, she's letting her guard down and asking if we can do some of the things together that I've suggested.
Ok, I hope this makes a bit more sense. I've got to go and teach the young leaders of the future now.
I'd be on my own plan and not on hers. She's changed her opinion of working out w/me b/c she's seen that I'm not like the people she's dated in the past.
When she worked out w/her XH, he tried to control her workout and tell her what to do in the gym. Thus, she had a really bad taste in her mouth about working out w/someone she's involved with.
However, she has been consistently shown that I am not controlling of her and thus is now really excited about the idea of having us motivate each other to work out and hit the gym w/regularity. Plus, it is a proven fact that doing physical activities heightens the attraction - both mental and physical - so it is a win-win for us both.
This is the same thing w/playing softball. I first mentioned it to her after we were together for about a month or so and started to look around for a team. At the time, she said she hated playing w/her X b/c he was hyper-competitive and a poor sport. So, I said I'd look around for a team for me anyway and if she wanted to join me later, she could.
Well, if you don't already have a team you have to wait until open registration and hope to get on an already existing team. So, I was waiting for the open enrollment when GF came back and said she signed us up for her company co-ed team. I had mentioned it off and on, so when she said she'd done this, I was thrilled b/c it meant I no longer had to latch on to a complete bunch of strangers and she was excited to play with me.
So, I think her changes have more to do w/who I am compared to what she's been with in the past and are not really about her wanting to be in control. I could be wrong, but that is truely how it feels from my end.
Well, GF saw the hand doctor yesterday and she'll be heading back to work on Monday. The downside was she was in a ton of pain after he messed w/it at the appointment and has been sleeping a lot yesterday and today.
I've been giving her space and letting her recooperate and try and de-stress as the infection really spooked her and she's concerned about missing work so soon after starting a new job. I've been sensing her stress, so I've backed off.
So, I've left her alone this week and she's been the one contacting me. She thanked me for letting her have time alone and I've had her tell me she misses me a few times this week. Today, she talked about dinner tonight, but I'm not sure whether or not we'll do it. If not, I'll most likely see her on Saturday or Sunday.
I have my D this weekend and D and I'll be playing around w/her. We've got a few things we want to do together, so I hope I can get my legs feeling good enough to be able to move around w/out much pain.
Yikes! I love playing softball again, but I'm beat up from the waist down right now. I practiced last night and had trouble running. The knees are very sore as are the hamstings and glutes. I'll keep doing a ton of stretching this weekend and limit my physical activities so I can be ready for Sunday.
So, I've left her alone this week and she's been the one contacting me. She thanked me for letting her have time alone and I've had her tell me she misses me a few times this week. Today, she talked about dinner tonight, but I'm not sure whether or not we'll do it. If not, I'll most likely see her on Saturday or Sunday.
Very good. THAT is the way to draw a woman to you. You have to remember no matter what women say is that they are much happier when doing the chasing. (which you are now seeing)
Stay backed off like this. Not in a mean way, but a tad more distant. Don't fear telling her you have other plans. You HAVE to get her to be curious of why YOUR change in attitude. You need HER to feel that it is YOU that is slowing things down, and it is YOU that is examining HER behavior to see if this si what YOU want in a relationship with a woman. (DO you want one that has such a hard time trusting and committing?)(which are excuses telling you that she doesn't like you enough and is wating to see if anything better comes down the pike
If and when she does ask you what is up with you then you just fluff it off..."nothing, just been busy, or nothing just a lot on my mind"
You make HER come toward you and YOU stay backed off an equal distance that she has been to you.
THAT is how the man who has success with women do it. The more you keep showing you are a man who will hang in there to TRY and win her love instead of a man who shows her that if she can't reciprocate or move forward decides heis worth more and better, then you are letting HER control the relationship and timing.
Stay backed off. Go out and pursue other interests WITHOUT her. Call her less and less. When she wants to talk about the relationship duck and dodge those talks. This will move her attitude toward chasing and pursuing you more. If not, then so be it, you are wasting your time with a woman who doesn't like you in the right way.
Remember. When a woman likes you in the right way she WILL make it easy for you. She will WANT you to know that she likes you and would not do the things this one has been doing to you. .(why? because she doesn't WANT to lose you by giving you the wrong signals.) Don't get into the "nice guy" trap. It doesn't work to try to be the nice guy and the friend hoping that being that way will get her to like you more.
Don't take this to the extreme and think that you can never call her to ask her out. MODERATION and common sense. If she doesn't move toward you ,then do NOT move toward her. Stay an equal distance from her as she has been toward you. Don't tell her how you feel about her.
Well, I have to admit that until now, I was different with men. When I liked somone, I made sure they knew and played no games. But I was young... Maybe your GF has been burnt so bad (which makes me wonder how I will react to a new relationship) that she needs to process things and make choices and decisions on her own time, the main one to be vulnerable and open to you, I guess...
I hate to ask this, are you the rebound R after her break up with xH or she has had other Rs before you? xxxx K
Maybe your GF has been burnt so bad (which makes me wonder how I will react to a new relationship) that she needs to process things and make choices and decisions on her own time, the main one to be vulnerable and open to you, I guess...