Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[pearlharbr]

Phew! Just getting caught up on everyone else's threads.

Vacation was great for the most part. Spent a couple days staying with my BFF and her H and S1, saw some other girlfriends and had dinner with my family (that was the not so great part but had to be done). Then BFF and I took a little girls' road trip that included boutique shopping, catching my favorite rock star's concert and totally awesome doughnuts. Back in my home town I caught up with my old coworkers before BF flew in and we took off for the long weekend.

BF got major points for letting me drag him to another concert by my fave rock star considering 1) that was the third show I went to in a week and 2) BF does not like rock star's music. The rest of the weekend was spent shopping and eating in visiting city and home town (around our old neighborhood). We stopped and chatted with a girlfriend who was friends with BF and was furious with him when all this went down. She was friendly toward him so it went well. I didn't think she'd be rude but thought she might be a bit cooler.

Toward the end of the flight home last night I was scrolling through my old text messages and I saw the messages from when I first found out about OW. All the emotion came back and I remembered how horrible that time was. So we landed around midnight and as I'm sitting with the bags waiting for BF to come back with the truck I'm struck by the feeling that this relationship is not going anywhere. I don't know that I will ever trust him again. He still hasn't asked for forgiveness and I'm not sure I could give it. It's like we're both trying to just go back to normal but the doubts are still there. Then I think that I'm only here because it's comfortable and safe and wondering if that's enough. Sometimes I think it is. Last night all I wanted to do was get on another plane to SF and start over. Then I think if I do that I'm resigning myself to being alone forever because I'm too old to start over and I'm not good at making new friends. But I don't want to settle either and maybe I would be happier living in a hovel in SF than a beautiful house in Denver. But it's not like I'm miserable here, just content. And lots of people would kill for content.

Sigh.

Maybe I'm just lacking sleep.

I had a whole plan last night. Go to an individual counselor to work through these issues and see if I'm just freaking out right now or if I really need to move on. Make the job search 50/50 for SF/Denver and see what pans out. Start purging my crap in preparation to move.

Another sigh. It's been a roller coaster...

[Dudess]

He still hasn't asked for forgiveness . .

No? That would seem to be a major oversight.

Then I think that I'm only here because it's comfortable and safe and wondering if that's enough. Sometimes I think it is. Last night all I wanted to do was get on another plane to SF and start over. Then I think if I do that I'm resigning myself to being alone forever because I'm too old to start over

LOL. You are a mere 35 years old. That's a great age to start over.

Your life expectancy is another 47 years. Do you really want to settle for comfortable and safe? I've got 15 years on you and I'm not going to settle. And yes, my economic standard of living will drop considerably.

Life is to be lived, not endured.

[pearlharbr]

His reasoning before when I brought up the forgiveness thing is that he didn't feel like he had the right to ask for it yet. So I said fair enough, I'm not going to worry about giving it until you do ask. This was a couple months ago.

And yes, when I'm thinking rationally and with PMA I know that I could start over fairly easily. But as I'm always apprehensive, will it really be any better? Different, yes. But better? Am I giving up a really good life for a crap shoot to end up with either a fantastic life or a mediocre life? And this current life with BF could be fantastic, I'm just not fully convinced.

Ok, I'm crying just typing this. I need to get in the shower and then to tap class! BF is doing his last fantasy football draft so I can call my BFF and have some girl talk.

[Silver Fox]

Hey Pearl,

Thanks so much for keeping up with my thread. Your support and advice mean a lot.

In catching up with yours I think Sam is the one that cuts to the chase and the one you need to ponder the most:

pearl, I couldn't tell you if your expectations for a R/M are too high or too low. I am sure you imagine your ideal R/M as something, maybe by watching other couples, maybe by imagining how things could be. But you also said that you still need to make some changes yourself. Are you making yourself happy? I guess what I am wondering is: are you somehow (partially) relying on BF to make you happy?

Please understand that I am not saying nothing's wrong with BF! He needs to make changes and right now he's procrastinating/avoiding that. But I am merely suspecting that you are, at least in part, also unhappy with the way your life is going right now even if BF wasn't in the picture. Food for thought?

Listen to your gut. Those nagging doubts are trying to tell you something. It doesn't mean the two of you won't make it but Sam is right in that YOU have to make yourself happy first, then focus on BF. I think your plan to see a therapist on your own is a good start.

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Silver

To answer you and Sam (wasn't ignoring you Sam, vacation got in the way) I have been thinking about this. Yes, I am unhappy with the work aspect of my life but I know that is my own issue and BF has nothing to do with that. I need to throw myself into the job search and I know that I will feel better about myself once I'm gainfully employed.

That aside, as I told my BFF earlier today, it's about whether or not I can be happy in a R if I don't completely trust BF. That's what I want to work through with an IC. Now if only I could find one.

[pearlharbr]

Journal:

Not much has changed. BF and I had it out when I learned that he took OW on a ski trip with his brother and sil last winter. At that time I assumed he would take her (I took my lift ticket from the ones he had purchased for this trip, if he wanted to take her then he can damn well buy her another one and not use the one meant for me!) but to have it confirmed just set me off. I was so pissed that he didn't think that taking her to meet his family was important enough to tell me.

For some reason I'm stuck on this issue again today. I woke up just fine but while I was making BF's lunch I was overcome with loathing just thinking about this.

I don't think I'm strong enough to make it through piecing. I thought I would be further along by now, not still crying at something that happened almost a year ago. And as the anniversaries of the bomb dropping, finding out about the EA/PA, etc are fast approaching I sense the old pain returning and I don't want any of it.

I'm tired of having the urge to check his cell phone and wondering when a number I don't recognize turns up on the call log. I'm tired of checking his email and knowing that he damn well knows how to erase things so there's really no point. I'm tired of looking at the women in his office wondering who will be the next OW. I'm tired of driving past the places I know he took OW. I'm just plain tired of all of it.

Part of me just wants to chuck it all and start fresh somewhere new. I know there's no guarantee I would have a better life without BF, but at least it would be different. Is it the grass-is-greener syndrome? Or is this my gut telling me to get out now?

[Dudess]

pearl,

I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I really can't imagine what that must be like. I'm hurting just from my H's suspected, attempted infidelity.

I would suggest not making any decisions based on what DID happen during the affair, but rather based on what has happened since he ended it. When you decided to give it a shot again, you must have thought that you would be able to forgive him and put this behind you in time, right? I can understand if that turned out not to be the case despite your good faith. Naturally anniversaries and such will hurt and would still hurt even if he had been the most repentent, total turnaround guy ever.

As you said, you had assumed that he would be taking her on that ski trip. That your suspicion has been confirmed, doesn't change the probable future course of the relationship. (Doesn't make it not hurt either.)

That said, I do share your concerns about the way he seems to have weasled and waffled about so many things. Perhaps he hasn't blatantly lied, but he sure has shaded the truth, hidden the truth and omitted relevant information. That would concern me more in terms of making decisions about the future than what he did last winter.

I don't recall, are you two in MC or is he in IC?

[pearlharbr]

When you decided to give it a shot again, you must have thought that you would be able to forgive him and put this behind you in time, right?

No, not exactly. I thought I probably would be able to forgive him but not certain. I have told him all along that I was willing to try but there are no guarantees and at the end of the day if I couldn't get past it then we would end things. Trouble is I'm not sure where I am in that process now, somewhere in the middle or close to the end?

You're right, something that I already assumed to be true in the past doesn't change things now. But the fact that he tried to avoid telling me the whole truth about it does matter. Which is what I told him when he got home tonight.

Here's a replay of the original convo:

BF and I are discussing skiing this winter and where/how often we would like to go up. I have previously told him that I will not go to places he took OW. So I asked:

Where did you go skiing with OW?

Mountain Resort A. (I knew this is where he took her over New Years)

[Pause]

Is that all?

[Blank stare.]

What about the trip with Brother and SIL?

[Silence. Blink. Blink.]

That was Mountain Resort B.

And did OW go with you?

No, she met us up there for the day.

So she was there?

[Pause.]

Yes.

You introduced her to your family--took her on a family vacation--and didn't feel that was something important I should know?

I didn't take her on vacation, she met us up there.

Did she spend the night?

[Pause]

Yes.

Then you took her on a family vacation, a family vacation that I was supposed to be on. Nice.

[End scene.]

[Tonight he said it was the "in between time" as if that's supposed to make a difference. No, he wasn't thinking about how it would affect me or us at that point. (That's fair, I get that.) He isn't just sorry about introducing her to his family, he's sorry about everything. Well that's nice but it doesn't really mean anything to me. It doesn't address the fact that I will have to see Brother and SIL at the next family gathering knowing that they met the whore and now wonder if they liked her better than me. I resent the fact that I'm supposed to just accept that the past is the past and he can't change it now. Convenient excuse/explanation for everything he did and I can't dispute it. But back to the main issue.]

And so it goes. I feel like I'm pulling teeth, like he is only going to answer the most specific question I ask and skirt around anything he either thinks I don't want to hear or that he doesn't want to tell me. No, he insists he isn't doing that and he insists that there's nothing else to tell. But I feel like this is an iceberg and I only know a small percentage of what there is, there is a huge mountain just beneath the surface waiting to be discovered. And each discovery rips the scabs off and I have to start the healing all over again. One of these days I'm going to be too tired to start over and I'll just be happy to walk away and live with the scars.

I don't recall, are you two in MC or is he in IC?

None of the above. I'm looking into finding an IC for myself but he doesn't feel that we need MC or that he needs IC. I could insist on MC but I don't see the point unless I know that I want this R to work out, and that's something I don't know right now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He isn't just sorry about introducing her to his family, he's sorry about everything. Well that's nice but it doesn't really mean anything to me. It doesn't address the fact that I will have to see Brother and SIL at the next family gathering knowing that they met the whore and now wonder if they liked her better than me. . . .

. . . And so it goes. I feel like I'm pulling teeth, like he is only going to answer the most specific question I ask and skirt around anything he either thinks I don't want to hear or that he doesn't want to tell me.

Pearl,

No offense, but if the above is how you react when he does, I would probably feel the same way.

As I've posted to you before, if I were your BF, I would feel like I'm in an impossible, "can't-win-with-you" situation. I think it's right and appropriate to hold him accountable for what he does NOW, but to forever hold him in some sort of ex post facto infidelity prison, for what happened BEFORE, seems very unfair to me. He's loving, remorseful (remember, somewhere around HALF of BSs don't even get contrition or remorse) and reasonably transparent with you.

And keep in mind, I'm a formerly betrayed spouse, too!

Puppy

[Kalni]

Pearl,
Hi!! I dont remember if have posted to you before...

I dont know if you are aware of the book mentioned often here :Not just friendsby S Glass. It talks about affairs and recovering and healing after one.

The author stresses many times thru her book (and the critics say it's one of the best on the subject) that when info about the affair is disclosed in parts it actually hinders healing.

She makes it very clear that unless the story of the affair is out, no secrets, no hidden details remain, the wound will not heal. She makes a point about how crucial it is for the partner that had the A to volunteer info until the hurt partner is happy with it. VOLUNTEER. When you ask and THEN get bits and pieces, you get all these feelings of resntement and hurt and mistrust again.

So, what I am trying to say is that it seems you are normal and NOT that you cant forgive but that the way you are dealing with the issue doesnt allow you to. Your BF needs to realise that.

You said he thinks you dont need MC but maybe he could read at least that one chapter of this book that may help him see what his actions or non actions cause to you and the risk he is taking.

It's actually simple but people tend to be secretive about details because they are afraid they will hurt their partner more and because of guilt and shame. Maybe if he realises that the sooner you get what you need regarding the affair, the sooner you will leave it behind, he would be willing to try and do his part.

Of course your part would be to control your reactions so that he can feel safe he can disclose more without worrying of loosing/hurting you...

Stay strong, you can do this. It is hard and you need better tools. Get the book if you havent gotten it. It is worth its money. Believe me.
K

I felt I had to post because the feelings and incidents you describe are all in the book as what you should not do and it is very common when couples try to recover. Do me a favor and read this authors site if you cant get the book. Michelle highly recommends it.