The best way to get her to feel safer and drop her guard a little is to AGREE with her. You telling she's wrong will never make her change her mind. It'll just drive the wedge deeper between you.
also told her that if she doesn't love me any more, it's because she chooses not to. Love is a choice...it's not a feeling. I told her that this morning when she called, and it pissed her off.
Of course it did. If she was here I would tell her to set a boundary, it's ok for her to choose are think what she wants. Stop trying to tell her that her feelings are wrong, her choices are wrong, her actions are wrong. It's not up to you, your words won't change her mind.
Regroup, you got a bomb dropped on you again so take care of yourself. Communication - wait until you are less emotional and either validate or say nothing right now. You are hurting and you are going back to old unproductive habits. You can handle it.
Cheers
OK Coach. I am hurting...I did feel that I needed to say a thing or two instead of just validating and taking it on the chin like I have been. I was nice when I said the stuff I did today, as I have been for the last 8 months. She feels the way she does, and I feel the way I do.
OK. I'll regroup. I'll either validate or say nothing. I know I can handle it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
The best way to get her to feel safer and drop her guard a little is to AGREE with her. You telling she's wrong will never make her change her mind. It'll just drive the wedge deeper between you.
OK futureunknown...I'll agree with her. That's not the same as letting her bully me, is it? I didn't know that I told her she was wrong. If I don't agree with what she says, I guess the best thing to do is validate and say nothing. When she says the kids will be better off...I don't think so!
I guess I just need to validate period, as I have been doing all along. What if she says something like this..."the kids will be fine..."? Do I agree with that? Or do I remain silent?
I'm really looking for some help, and I do appreciate your input and help. m Please stick around.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I understand that's what you think. I have done a lot of reading and talking to people and I don't agree.
BTW, she doesn't really think that. (I know I'm mind reading :/)
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Antlers, don't beat yourself up. A lot easier for us to say these things from way out here, without the emotional hammer hitting us in the gut. I've completely blown it in the past too, and had angry arguments with my W I regretted immediately. Try to learn and move forward, what else can we do, right?
I say get a L, tell him/her everything, tell them what your position is, listen to their advice, and prepare yourself. These legal things really don't mean as much as you might think. Like I said, in my sitch, the closer we've gotten to legal papers, the more my W seems unsure, and the more she reaches out to me. Try to just go with the flow. Don't help her, but don't impede either.
You've done great so far Antlers. Amazing how just when we're feeling strong, our WAW can drop a bomb and we find out we weren't quite as strong as we thought. Remember, all the work you've done up til now proves to you that you're okay on your own. You need to meet this challenge knowing that you'll be okay no matter the outcome. That way you can think clearly and rationally.
I don't think you validate her saying the kids will be better off. We all know that isn't true. Whatever else she says, maybe validate. But not that. If you validate that, it gives her a clean concious about doing it to the kids. I personally didn't and still won't. Maybe you are better off saying nothing when she says that. But don't agree with her on that. And don't feel bad for standing up for your kids on that issue.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
