Thanks ladies!! I know you two appreciate me too!!
Had a pretty good weekend. Went to an amusement park with the boys on Sat, had a blast and stayed until 20 min of closing (10pm)!! On the way back, W called me and texted to see if we were still meeting her and her parents for lunch the next day. I didn't see it until late that night (driving a convertible disconnects you from the world a little bit ) so I was gonna respond in the morning. The next morning, W calls before I have a chance to respond. Had a good lunch, went to her parent's house for cake. W was leaving early and actually gave me a kiss on the cheek.... Where did that come from? Hadn't had one since... well, I don't even remember the last one! Anyways, had a good time!!
Hang tough, Sam. Remember that you are being accommodating, and it's in W's best interest to play along.
I'm probably warning you about stuff you know full well about, and probably being cynical, but remember, you know who you are - don't play off for W.
Just be who you are - if I've learned nothing else, I've learned that I won't become a complete person by being with someone else, even my W. They will get a complete "me".
I have seen those that come on her all distraught over losing their spouse, and wondering how they can ever keep them. Then, they mysteriously become self-confident and strong, and you find out they hooked up with someone. Ever wonder why second marriages fail more than 78% of the time? It's because the second marriage is a crutch to escape the pain of the first!
OK, sorry to rant - glad to hear you're doing well!
Since our situations are so similar, I just thought I'd stop by and mention that I've seen substantial movement from my W in the last few days.
I've become pro-active in pushing for our legal separation, I've pulled back from doing things with her and the kids, and I've pulled back on communication with her. She has started to act very emotional around me now, has told me what I'm doing hurts, and she asked if I'd be willing to get together to talk about "us".
The true reality of divorce is hitting her in the face. The thought of having no relationship with me other than transitioning the kids back and forth. Not doing anything as a family any more. The thought of me building a new family with another woman. She is now seeing that BRUTAL reality, and the little fantasy she'd been envisioning is crumbling.
I'm starting to tentatively think we've started down the path to reconciliation. As Gucci said, crisis and fear of loss cause movement, and I'm seeing that very clearly.
I guess I am accommodating in some ways, but I have stopped going out of my way to accommodate a long time ago. I am mostly doing what I feel like doing without trying to accommodate anybody. What was it that specifically made you say that? Maybe I am more accommodating than I should be?
Also, what did you mean with "play off for W"? If you mean like putting on a show, act as if, that's not what I am doing. I do know who I am, and I like who I am, have liked who I am for at least 6 months. I feels like I am getting "settled" into my way of living now, by myself some of the time, by myself with the boys some of the time. At some point, I think it would be nice to have another adult to share my life with, but that will come when it will come. As has always been, my preference for that adult is still W, but if she can't see how good life would be with me, then so be it. Not my loss!
The last few weeks do feel like W might be noticing me slowly drifting off. She's making more effort to stay in touch. I make our interactions that she initiates (all of them lately) pleasant, just like I would with anyone else, but nothing beyond that.
Just wanted to make sure I understood your comments right. Thanks for coming by!
Thanks for stopping by! Your movement from W sound very similar to what I have been noticing lately.
Pulling back has made a change by creating some "crisis" and "fear of loss", so I keep that course. At least until after my trip overseas.
Be careful to not jump on that wagon again as your W's actions give you hope again. I had that happen to me, but I am trying to get back off and remain distant.
I think in my case, pushing for the separation, and continually sending her proposals to settle this and that to be resolved for the legal papers has made her realize she is no longer driving this, I am. Add on top of that the great times we have together, and how she and I have fun and flirt when we're together, and she is starting to seriously doubt whether she wants to lose me and our family. Of course my real power comes from her panic that the decision is no longer hers to make, a la Gucci.
I have been too quick to assume and grab onto hope in the past though, so this time I am absolutely committed to holding the line until she CLEARLY demonstrates she wants to move forward with me, and that her A with OM is absolutely OVER.
Just a quick update that I wanted to post. I am overseas for work and trying to recoup from 14 hrs of time change! I had a big birthday cookout at the house for myself last Friday and also invited W since I had invited a lot of "our" friends (they all know about the sitch btw). About 30 people came (including her dad) and we all had a blast! W didn't come however. But the evening before I left, W wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday and while on our way, she told me the following:
- she wants to talk about "our situation" >> I thought "here we go, this is it!"... but no:
- cleaning out the garage at her apt, she found some of her old emails she sent me almost 2 yrs ago when I got the ILYBNILWY, the 'bomb'. She said she saw so much anger in her emails. >> she didn't specifically say that she doesn't have that anger anymore, or that she now thinks it was disproportionate, but that's how it came across to me.
- she wants an open dialogue with me so we can really talk about things
- she actually did have D papers drawn up early in Aug when she told me she had an apptmnt with a lawyer. She said she's had them in her car since then (6+ weeks). But she says (her words here) that she "hasn't had the heart to ask me to sign them" and "that has to mean something, right?"
- she's afraid that it's too late for this and that I need to tell her if I have found someone else, because if I did then we just need to sign the papers and move on with our lives >> I told her that I do not have someone else right now and that, so far, I really haven't been looking either. But I did make a lot of new friends, although most of them are couples. So: it's not too late, and I am open to discuss things.
- she missed the party because she overcommitted herself as usual (her words, but I have told her this lots of time before the "bomb")
- she said she wants to attend my sister's wedding in Feb (that would be with me. not other way around that)
We then had a nice dinner with the kids, just talking about other stuff. She will stay at the house while I am gone, taking care of the boys, the dogs and the rest of the house. And we agreed to have open discussions during the time I am gone by email and phone.
Although we have not had any R disussions so far, we did have a couple of nice convo's about other regular stuff like the boys and school. I am trying not to get too excited right now, but I do feel optimistic about making progress. I think I will have a better idea when I return from my trip.
I know you two appreciate me too!!