"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Hope you're managing okay. You've put so much of yourself into DBing, and I know there is a strong streak of hope inside you that you can salvage your M. You had that hope all cocooned inside yourself, safe and sound. Your W deciding to file has exposed that hope to the brutal possibility of D, and you're feeling the effects. Not fun.
Remember, the strength you've felt while you were doing so well was not fake. You'll get back there sooner than you think. Try to let all this just wash over you and don't react or fight it. Like I said, this isn't the end, just a step along a very long path. You and your W have been living separately for quite a while now, some legal arrangement just might be the best thing to make you both feel more secure.
Antlers, I'll tell you how I've been looking at my situation. My M was broken, very broken. I know it, and my W knows it. Being separated has made me realize how bad my M was, and how much work we needed to do to get healthy again. I actually have hope that the BEST chance for a newer and better M rests in us both getting happy in secure in our separated lives. Only then can we approach each other with new eyes, without the past infecting everything. I see the legal process not as a horrible end point, but actually a necessary ingredient to reconciliation. I don't want my W coming back because of money or possessions, or because she feels she can't take care of herself. I want her to be happy and secure on her own, then if we get back together, I KNOW it's for the RIGHT reasons.
First, thank you for responding and being here. Right now, I feel very lonely...like I'm by myself in the world.
I'm getting by, and doing the best I can under the circumstances. Yeah, I've put a lot into this...and there was a strong streak of hope there. But, after the communication that we've had recently, and her filing for divorce...she has taken that hope away. I'm not looking forward to the legal procedures that we will surely have to go through. Yeah, I was feeling physically and mentally strong...and in one swift motion she has slemmed me into the ground. I feel completely different than I did before she called and told me that she filed for divorce.
I know. The strength that I felt before this was real. I hope I'll get back there sooner than I think. I so want to. I'm trying to do what you're saying, but I can't stop my mind from racing. I can't seem to stop thinking about stuff. It hurts bad. It sure feels like the end! We've been living apart for nearly 8 months now. She said she wants "closure".
Our marriage was broken too, very broken. We both know that. I went to work, really, before we separated. I have changed for the better, in many ways...that's for sure. It means nothing to her though...she says, still, that I'm manipulative and that I haven't changed at all and that I never will! She still has so much anger and resentment towards me...even after these 8 months have passed. I really don't understand it. She hangs onto it like a security blanket. And I've noticed that she seems to have some guilt that she's dealing with...she tells me that I'm trying to make her feel guilty and trying to make her "look like the bad guy" in this situation. She's mad that her father and I still communicate too! She's overly concerned about "looking like the bad guy" to others. Splitting up the marital assets is going to be an awful thing. The retirement accounts, the equity in our home (that she left back in Feb.)...not to mention our 11 and 12 y/o children. So far, custody has been completely 50-50. She has turned into a person that is very, very different from the woman I've known all these years. It feels like, once these awful legal proceedings start up and become ongoing...that it's definately going to be 'the end' of any possibility that we will ever be together again. She has told me that we will "never" be together again many times. I don't understand how she could be congenial over the summer at times, visiting and talking face to face, and then harden up and be as hard hearted as she is right now. She is completely resolute and matter of fact. Is she infected by the past, first and foremost? Can she not get past it? Is there somebody else? I really don't know. Since she left, she hates any reference to any hurt that I might have...I mean it pisses her off..."poor you". I see the legal process, right now, as a definate endpoint...letting me know that she really, really has no intention at all of any reconciliation...ever! I don't need her...but I really wanted her, and my family back.
This is awful.
ps - I really appreciate you being here and responding. I need it, right now especially.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I could have written your last post myself. It is almost exactly the same things I have heard and seen for the past 10 months. In that respect, your not alone. I feel for you, I really do, I am looking for support myself in this time.
We have to stop reacting to what our WAW's are doing, and take the lead for ourselves, whatever that is. I wished I could offer advice on what that is, but I have not found it myself yet. Keep looking, there is happiness for us out there, if we make it happen!
Right now, things will be tough, we have to accept that, and move through day by day, minute by minute at times. For our kids, and ourselves. We can not control, nor fix, nor change our WAW's. We have to acknowledge that as well.
I know you have heard all this before, and so have I. It doesn't help with how you may feel in this instant. What will Antler's life look like when he has no-one to answer to but himself and his kids?
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I could have written your last post myself. It is almost exactly the same things I have heard and seen for the past 10 months. In that respect, your not alone. I feel for you, I really do, I am looking for support myself in this time.
We have to stop reacting to what our WAW's are doing, and take the lead for ourselves, whatever that is. I wished I could offer advice on what that is, but I have not found it myself yet. Keep looking, there is happiness for us out there, if we make it happen!
Right now, things will be tough, we have to accept that, and move through day by day, minute by minute at times. For our kids, and ourselves. We can not control, nor fix, nor change our WAW's. We have to acknowledge that as well.
I know you have heard all this before, and so have I. It doesn't help with how you may feel in this instant. What will Antler's life look like when he has no-one to answer to but himself and his kids?
iwantittowork, thank you for being here and responding. It's a very painful situation that I'm in now. Full of regret and remorse, and a HUGE sense of loss! I know in my heart that I've acknowledged my failures fully and accepted 100% responsibility for them, that I've been deeply remorseful and apologized and tried to make amends, and I went to work on myself and changed into a better man, a better father, and a better partner. What more could I have done? None of it has mattered to her...at all. I didn't do it 'for her', I did it because it needed to be done...period! But I retained hope that things might change. Given a second chance, I would have spent the rest of my life making it up to you. That chance has been taken away from me...and I am crushed because of it.
Coach's Stockdale Principle is something that I'm trying to take to heart.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
