I have done it and found peace, no matter what happens. Of course, prayer and faith have a lot to do with that.
Currently, I am 5 1/2 months post bomb. Living in the same house, seperate rooms. Has been NO R, or D, talk since late April. Not sure where I will end up. Seems to be going in the right direction, but I don't know.
Like everyone else here, I have been where you have been and are right now. May have been back in April, but my W told me flat out she wanted a D. No going back, no way no how. Was "resolute" in her decision. You know all the script phrases.
I completely agree with you that you have to grieve. Let that run its course. Don't fight it. But, once it has run its course, then really look at the sitch, and try the worst case scenario approach. It has a lot to do with conquering your fear of what is to come. And, yes, it works.
Now, ridding yourself of the fear does not mean you won't care about the D process or that you won't hurt. You will. But you will be able to manage your feelings much better. It will be painful, but you won't feel hopeless.
Again, I really feel for you. Let your grieving take place, but don't let it overcome you to the point it rules your life.
She knows that I have shouldered and acknowledged what I have done, she knows that I have been deeply remorseful and apologetic, she knows that I have tried to make amends, and I have clearly and consistently shown her that I'm not like I used to be anymore.
It doesn't matter at all to her! "You're still the same, you're still manipulative, you haven't changed, you will never change"!
Antlers,
I wonder if she is hanging out on some of the more vitriolic "support" forums for women in abusive relationships. "They never change" is the mantra. If it looks like he is changing, he is just doing it to manipulate you in to coming back and it is just the 'honeymoon' stage in the cycle of abuse. Some of these groups can really encourage and feed bitterness and contempt.
Originally Posted By: antlers
She still has so much anger and resentment towards me...even after these 8 months have passed. I really don't understand it. She hangs onto it like a security blanket.
It may well be a bit of a security blanket. Remember that anger and resentment are ways of avoiding feeling the underlying pain. Also, by hanging on to those feelings, she doesn't have to risk connecting with you again, hoping you have changed, only to be hurt again.
Yeah, it probably is over, but you never know. This is perhaps the best opportunity you've had yet to demonstrate that your changes were not just a show just to get her back. A guy who hasn't changed would now blame & whine, "You didn't give us a chance", (when he had years and years), become hostile and make the details of divorce very contentious. You, of course, won't do that.
Your regret over not changing sooner is understandable. I hope you will give yourself credit for changing now though. I do. A lesser man would not have done the work you have.
Maybe so, I don't know. I do know that what I've seen and heard from her since about last December is completely foreign coming from her. It's like she's a different person. She does have a lot of bitterness and contempt for me...even after the amount of time has passed that has. Even after I've made the changes that I have. And her behavior towards me is unpredictable...she has been congenial at times...and other times like she is now...full of bitterness, contempt, hatred, apathy, etc.
I understand that anger protects one from vulnerability. She still feels a lot. She says the scars will last a lifetime. She's made it clear that she never wants to 'connect' with me again, ever.
Feels like it's over. For sure. I'm hurt...not mad or hostile. But, any hint at any hurt that I have just insanely pisses her off. I don't understand some of this stuff that I've experienced with her since the separation. I don't want to 'help' her divorce me. That doesn't mean that my changese were not real or lasting.
I do give myself credit for the changes that I've made, but I nearly hate myself for being the way that I used to be for all those years. God, what I wouldn't give for a second chance now that I am the way I am now. That chance has been taken away from me. Thank You Dudess for the attaboy. I am proud of the work I've done, but I'm very hurt that she is divorcing me anyway.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I want to feel worthy of real love. I'd like to feel it from her once again.
IMHO, the most loving thing you could possibly do for yourself is meditate and work toward decoupling those two statements in your mind and heart......
..... nothing wrong with wanting both, mind you. But allowing the first to remain dependent on the second is a cheeseless tunnel and keeps your focus in the wrong place.
You have changed. You can change this, too.
I'll work on it Kettricken.
Yeah...I wanted both. I understand completely about "allowing the first to remaind dependent on the second" being a cheeseless tunnel and keeps the focus in the wrong place. Very insightful.
Yes, I have. And for the better, too! I believe that...I just think it takes time, effort, and more hard work.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She doesn't acknowledge, accept, or trust my changes. I understand her hesitancy not to trust me...but I don't understand her motivation to go ahead and divorce me.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She doesn't acknowledge, accept, or trust my changes. I understand her hesitancy not to trust me...but I don't understand her motivation to go ahead and divorce me.
And if she goes through with this, you may never understand why she went forward with the D despite your changes. SHE may not understand.
This is the hard part. We can all come up with our respective explanations as to "WHY" but, sometimes, there may be no answer or no discernable answer.
Why seom seem to be able to trust changes in the LBS and some cannot is difficult to answer in each case.
I found peace when I realized that one of two things was going to happen in my M. W would either come back and we would make our M into a new M that is great and fulfiling and what a healthy R should be or she would D me. I don't know if you are religious, but I have found prayer and reconnecting with God absolutely critical through this he!!. I believe God has a plan for each of our lives. I don't believe God wants me to be alone and unhappy the rest of my life if my W D's me. Which means there is someone else out there who He knows needs me more than my W. Someone with whom I will find happiness like I have never known.
I have seen your posts where you said you did not think anyone else would want you. That's a battered self esteem talking, an emotion. I suspect you really don't believe that. It's just what you are "feeling" right now.
So, ask yourself what sort of person you have become. Have you made changes and improved your life, FOR YOU? Are you a person as Sandi has said "only a fool would leave/" If the answer is yes, I submit that there are tons of women out there who are looking for someone like that.
Realize you have a lot to offer someone. And don't give up just yet on your M. If you are done, no one would blame you. But YOU are the only one who can answer that. Now is not the time to throw everything out the window, unless you are ready to move on.
Prepare for what she says she will do. AND focus on rebuilding your self esteem.
I'm not saying you won't hurt or that the emotions you are feeling are invalid - you will hurt and your emoitons are completely valid. Just know to let the emotions run their course, then get to work on you, for your sake and your kids' father's sake.
She's going through with it. It's gonna be hard to have closure without knowing why she went forward with the divorce despite my changes. She may not understand herself; or she may have her own reasons that I don't know about, or she may have her own reasons that I don't understand. She told me she wants closure.
Yeah, it is a hard part. I've got all kinds of reasons racing through my head. And we sometimes draw our own conclusions. Having no answer or no discernable answer makes it hard to have closure.
I think she has her own reasons for not trusting my changes. I think they provide her with motivation, or justification, to take the actions she is taking. She hangs onto her bad feelings for me like a security blanket.
I was sort of at peace, for months. I knew the same 2 things were possibilities, and I had hope that she and I would make our marriage into a new marriage that would be great and fulfilling and healthy. Unfortunately, she has chosen to divorce me, and the semi-peace that I was feeling is gone...replaced by hurt, disillusionment, disappointment, regret, etc.. Yes, I'm a believer, and I depend on God for help.
That's the way I feel right now GIMA. I've held on to a hope that has now been taken from me. True, my self-esteem is battered. I know it's emotional. But the feelings are overwhelming right now.
I have become a better man, a better father, and a better partner. I have made changes in myself for the better because they needed to be happen. Period. I feel in my heart that I am now the kind of person that Sandi describes and you mention...but I am so lsad and lonely and the negative emotions overpower the truth in situations like this and cause one to feel desperate and hopeless.
I believe in my heart that I have a lot to offer, now. I now have a lot to offer my wife. But I won't get to. I'm trying to understand how not to give up just yet on my marriage, especially since she has now filed for divorce and has said the things to me that she has? I don't want to be done...I don't want to move on. But I don't want to have false hope either.
She has filed for divorce and papers will be served whenever they are. I know that. I will see and hire an attorney on Tuesday. Seems like it's gonna be hard to rebuild my self-esteem right now, under these circumstances, with a contentious and costly divorce coming up. I know my self-esteem needs to be bolstered though.
I know that the hurt and the emotions I feel are valid. I know they have to run their course...more time. I will continue to work on me, for the sake of my kids and myself.
ps - thanks for taking the time and putting forth the effort. I really appreciate it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
just took a little bit of time to learn what you are going through currently.
I can feel through your posts just how much your heart is in pain over how things "appear" to be going right now for you. Let me just offer to you though a tiny bit of encouragement. I have been "divorced" on paper now for a year and a quarter and I have found out that my W just pulled the plug on the M and got the D just to try and relieve herself of the constant pain and fighting in our M. She, however, did not get the D because she no longer had any feelings for me. Quite the contrary. Our piecing pretty well got underway when around the 1st of this year she admitted that she didn't really want to be D'd and that she had made a mistake and wanted to work on us. The work goes on each and every day and I try my best to let God be my guide through it all. It is very hard work at times. Very rewarding also though.
Peace to you buddy. Strengthen your R with Christ our Lord. His love shall sustain you through it all as He has done for me.
just took a little bit of time to learn what you are going through currently.
I can feel through your posts just how much your heart is in pain over how things "appear" to be going right now for you. Let me just offer to you though a tiny bit of encouragement. I have been "divorced" on paper now for a year and a quarter and I have found out that my W just pulled the plug on the M and got the D just to try and relieve herself of the constant pain and fighting in our M. She, however, did not get the D because she no longer had any feelings for me. Quite the contrary. Our piecing pretty well got underway when around the 1st of this year she admitted that she didn't really want to be D'd and that she had made a mistake and wanted to work on us. The work goes on each and every day and I try my best to let God be my guide through it all. It is very hard work at times. Very rewarding also though.
Peace to you buddy. Strengthen your R with Christ our Lord. His love shall sustain you through it all as He has done for me.
Ted
Yeah, things are bad. She filed for divorce last week, the papers are on the way. She has told me to move on and learn from my mistakes and not to make the same mistakes with the next person in my life that I did with her. We are going to have a contentious divorce because of the finances, retirement accounts, home equity, etc. I'm pretty wrecked right now because I had hoped for a second chance after 8 months of being separated...but that hope has been taken from me. She's gonna go after me in the courts financially, and I don't yet know about our kids. Things (custody) have been 50-50 with our kids since she left our home. I don't want this to happen, but I can't stop it from happening. I'm gonna have to go through it. I'm worried/scared about the legal stuff too!
ps - thanks, man. I need all the help/support/feedback I can get right now.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
It's gonna be hard to have closure without knowing why she went forward with the divorce despite my changes. She may not understand herself; or she may have her own reasons that I don't know about, or she may have her own reasons that I don't understand. She told me she wants closure.