Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Journaling:

H seems more up and down lately. We had our bi-weekly talk last night and H says he hates them. he says I cry each time(what canI say, I'm an emotional being).. He realizes he doesn't active listen very well. Last night was basically him venting about two recent incidences and I listened and recapped...No closeness last night, so maybe these talks do more harm than help, at least right now. I do believe that if we both learn to be better active (non-mind-reading)listeners and not just reactive listeners, things will improve...

So H is having lunch with a highschool, female friend he has gotten re-aquainted with on Facebook. I have to say, its slightly threatening to me..but he does need more friends. This friend is divorced with highschool-age boys and lives pretty far south of us..So we'll see what mood he comes home in..He did take pictures of me and the girls to share with her. he said he'd tell me about their lunch...

So here is where I am. Once the marching band thing settles down with D13(lots of driving her to and fro), I'm thinking of finding a cooking class to take(with or without hubby) and try to GAL more.

Our marriage counselor asked us in our first meeting, what number on a scale of 1 to 10, represented how we felt our chances were to stay married and what number represented the effort we felt we could put into the marriage. H said 5 for both and I said 8. I really feel if asked right now, I'd say 2 to the first question and 5 for the second. Kind of sad.

[peacetoday]

Hang in there
you and your H have come quite a way
I would not promote any old female HS friends
I think at this point in his MLC life it is not safe no matter who she is
she is D
just my thoughts
peace

[kjensen]

Hi Peace,
Believe me, I am NOT promoting this rekindling of a friendship. I've just decided that this is one of my 180 degrees..normally I would be very inquisitive/insecure/jealous...So I decided to lay back a bit and see what info H offers me first.

H came home in a good mood and offered info about his lunch/chat with his friend. He showed me emails he'd sent thanking her for lunch as well as her response. There wasn't ever a romantic connection there in HS and I don't think there is now. This friend is divorced twice, living in an apartment her parents are renting to her..H described her as looking the same but heavier.. So far no flags have gone up.

H was much closer to me last night and I'm not sure if it was because I was upbeat and laid back last night...we'll see. He is still somewhat moody. Up and down alot.

[peacetoday]

Glad nothing happened with H and HS friend
Im sure you have a keen eye on him at this point anyway
you sound good and things seem like they are working
hopefully your H will work it out at home and in the M
keep taking care of you
you are lucky and the few who get the chance to try again
it will work
patience time and perserverence
peace

[kjensen]

Thanks for the support Peace.
I feel, looking back there were things I would have done differently. I wouldn't have let H move back in after the OW dumped him, until he was ready to make a commitment to me.

He has said and even last night said again, that he feels trapped. He can't afford to support himself, so even if he wanted to move out he feels he couldn't. I can't tell if this feeling of his is part of his depression or MLC, or reality..The fact that he feels this way may be part of the MLC, but it feels like crap to me-he's here with me, we're in marriage counseling, we're ML nightly and yet he feels trapped...like if he could he wouldn't be with me.

So..not sure what's next. Not sure if I just need to bide my time and be patient and DB and hope H comes through MLC soon...or are my worst fears (that its not MLC and really, this marriage shouldn't continue) true? I'm so far into this tunnel with H I can't seem to remember there might be a light at the end. Its my hope that there's a light, but my fear is we'll remain in the dark. stuck. Sorry I'm venting..I'm just not feeling hopeful at this moment.

[peacetoday]

K
I believe the TRAP feeling is part of the crises
its not you
you are doing well being supportive to H
but remember this journey is for you too
You will ahve to find your way
to rebuilding your R with H
being available to your kids
Working
finding hobbys
exercising
R with God
happiness comes from taking care of ourselves/doing the right things and practicing a posive uplifeting arritude in all we do
so today is your day to shine
be grateful and practice seeing the good
this is a full tiem job for me b/c it seems easier to focus on bad
peace

[kjensen]

Hi Peace. Good advice. It is easier to focus on the bad(b/c at times the "bad" seems to be pretty plentiful!) Its also easier to focus on the spouse and their journey rather than our own-so thanks for the reminder.

Journaling:
H went to sleep next to me last night without saying goodnight or kissing me, no ML-this isn't the norm so I felt a bit hurt..

This morning H got in the shower with me(again-not the norm) and asked me how I was. I said confused-b/c of no "goodnight" last night-said I didn't know what to make of it, if anything....Said I had missed being close. This was all said calmly and sincerely. So H leaves the shower-nothing like that for a response to asking for closeness... Arghhhh. This morning we have marriage counseling too.

I feel likes there are more ups and downs than usual-not sure if that means anything. just makes me more discouraged. I'm having a hard time finding a nonemotional, calm center for myself. I think I expect 'the other shoe to drop" and although I know I'll be fine if our marriage ends-it'll feel like I failed somehow.

[sandycay]

Wow K

My H and I are in the same tunnel.... except he's been home for 1 1/2 years almost. He's still cycling and he is still here. I keep thinking we are done with the cycling and then off we go on another ride. You sound like me.... things are mostly pleasant but "I" need more than pleasant. He is here but not here... something is missing.... we are not in MC as we did that when he first came home.

Anyway.... I don't post much I do have a thread in Piecing as at the time I was in seperated and I didn't catch on to the MLC problem until the last year or so. I should be in this forum.

[kjensen]

I'll try to catch up with your situation Sandycay. I need all the support I can get at this point-I running on empty.

H went out with a buddy to test drive a mini cooper this morning. His buddy is the kind of guy who acts first/thinks later and is all for living in the moment...I thought there'd be some pressure after the test drive to buy and I was right.
H called and asked if we should buy a mini cooper...I put him off to talk about it in person. We talked about our budget last night and two expensive trips the girls may have opportunities to go on and money issues...So for H to suddenly think its not a "pipdream" anymore to get the car of his dreams(although used and cheaper) struck me as weird.

H came home and was telling me about the car..we talked about money/budget..H said he sensed anger in my tone. I calmly said "do you want to know every stupid thought I've had in my brain about this possible purchase?" and he said yes and started getting upset but wanted me to share... So I stupidly shared all the irrational and rational thoughts I had and he got up, said good bye and left me alone... of course thats my worst fear and one of our communication issues...that I hold things in out of fear of his anger/reaction...so it felt like a self-fulfilling reality...

part of me wants H to get this car-he's been wanting one for years, part of me is scared he'll feel more financially trapped with me since it will mean less money in our pockets, part of me thinks we'll be fulfilling his dream at the expense of the girls and mine(a trip this Christmas was too expensive for us a few days ago).. part of me irrationally somehow connects this with getting divorced sooner than later...

I'm at work now and don't feel like going home to what I left. I'm emotionally wiped out. I'm feeling depressed and really have no hope for this relationship at this very moment. This is a sucky situation.

[kjensen]

Update/Journaling:
So I went home and H didn't want to talk to me. I asked if I should sleep somewhere else and he said he could or I could..he was done...I said you mean done with the marriage? and he said yes. I asked him if he was going to move out and he said he didn't see why he always(once) had to be the one to move out-maybe I should(fat chance!)...

So I'm lost-I don't understand his response. Things were good yesterday-we had marriage counseling.we had agreed to each plan one date a week and surprise each other and H was supposed to do his tomorrow...We talked about the car..I became vulnerable like our MC said to and shared my feelings with H. H didn't just listen (like we agreed) but reacted/judged and now seems to have flipped out. I guess by sharing I thought this car purchase would somehow be connected to a divorce did it? I don't know.

I journalled to H(another therapy suggestion) after our conversation fell apart about the car and right before I went to work. H's response was terse- I still have trust issues and they can't be overcome. he's tired of trying. I need to acknowledge my anger. He's been wronged too. Its not fair for me to "pin" everything on him.

Its like we had two different conversations-I'm totally baffled about what wrong I did, what I tried to "pin" him with..

I journalled back(and he said he'd read it, when he's ready) that I was sharing fears-they were't all rational, they weren't all concrete..I felt that when he left and reacted to my sharing, that was exactly my worst fear about sharing those fears...I felt confused. I asked what wrong I did, what I tried to "pin" him with..I asked him to consider staying..blah blah blah.

I'm confused and hurt and scared right now.