Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

She has E-mailed me that she wants no more communication with me at all, except that regarding the kids. It hurts.


"Change the channel, close the door. Be the co-parents and drop the rest." - Gypsy

Certainly easier said than done. I believe it's good advice though.

I'm fighting the urge to text her or E-mail her. I feel so rejected. I want to let her know how much I care about her, and how I understand that she feels the way she does, and that I don't want this, and I wish she would reconsider. The rejection that I feel is devestating.
It's hard for me to choke it down that she doesn't care about me anymore and wants me out of her life. It's hard to choke it down that she is actually divorcing me. It's hard for me to choke it down that this is actually 'her'!


I need some help, or something!

[Coach]

- Take your phone apart, put the sim card, battery and the body in three different places.

- Check your self-talk. Nothing you have done matters???? She doesn't care?? Really????


- This isn't over, I didn't really start DBing until I got D papers.

- What are you grateful for? What have you accomplished over the past 6 months?

I am reading a book about a woman who is dealing with her husband after having severe head trauma. The docote in the ICU told her, "Good things happen slowly, bad things happen fast."


You can handle it.

Cheers
Coach

[antlers]

- Take your phone apart, put the sim card, battery and the body in three different places.

- Check your self-talk. Nothing you have done matters???? She doesn't care?? Really????


- This isn't over, I didn't really start DBing until I got D papers.

- What are you grateful for? What have you accomplished over the past 6 months?

I am reading a book about a woman who is dealing with her husband after having severe head trauma. The docote in the ICU told her, "Good things happen slowly, bad things happen fast."


You can handle it.

Cheers
Coach

- I take it that you don't think I should contact her?

- To her, nothing I have done matters. It matters to me. But, I wanted it to matter to her too! She has told me, and shown me that she doesn't care. She sounded resolute and matter of fact. "Don't contact me." "Move on with your life." "Do better with the next person in your life." She filed for divorce!

- I would praise God if you were right on this! Hard to imagine that it "isn't over" based on the things that I've posted about since the Oct. 1st call. How is it 'not over'? I'm gonna get divorce papers very soon. I don't know what to do...continue to DB? Or give up? I pray for a second chance, even now...but I don't want to have false hope.

- I'm greatful for my kids, my health, my changes, my job, etc.. I've become a better man, a better dad, and a better partner. I've become physically strong, and mentally strong (until she filed for divorce), and I've changed the way I think about things. I've become more compassionate.

Could you help me out with "good things happen slowly, bad things happen fast" as it relates to my situation?

I have no choice but to handle it Coach! I read the Stockdale Principle regularly.


ps - thank you for responding. I feel like I'm in a tight spot! I need support and help from people here. I pray for wisdom and discernment. Please stick around, as I especially appreciate your input...Greek's too!

[Purple]

Look Antlers, if you contact her now (at a point where she's felt strong enough to take some sort of action ie divorce papers) when she has told you not to contact her, this will just be seen as pursuing. If I was in her shoes it would seem like more of the same manipulation to get her back under your control.

Respect her choices, let them sit with her for a while. do you want her back because she feels guilty or hounded or do you want her to realise on her own that you are serious about your changes?

I have been in limbo for almost three years and have been through all sorts of shite. I fancy I can put myself in your wife's shoes. I would have to see a bucket load of consistent changes before I felt comfortable with my h to fully trust him again. He is only just starting (I pray that he continues) to take responsibility for himself after three years of roller coastering. He has made soem changes but I see plenty of integral parts of his personality that make me question whether he will stick with looking inside himself. I can only hope. I'm scared to try and work things out (we are still separated) I'm frustrated where things are at the moment (in limbo with various cycles of crap). Your wife may not _see_ your changes the way you do. You will have to suck it up and give it time - I'm not sure how things work where you are but legal stuff rarely happens quickly.

[antlers]

Look Antlers, if you contact her now (at a point where she's felt strong enough to take some sort of action ie divorce papers) when she has told you not to contact her, this will just be seen as pursuing. If I was in her shoes it would seem like more of the same manipulation to get her back under your control.

Respect her choices, let them sit with her for a while. do you want her back because she feels guilty or hounded or do you want her to realise on her own that you are serious about your changes?

I have been in limbo for almost three years and have been through all sorts of shite. I fancy I can put myself in your wife's shoes. I would have to see a bucket load of consistent changes before I felt comfortable with my h to fully trust him again. He is only just starting (I pray that he continues) to take responsibility for himself after three years of roller coastering. He has made soem changes but I see plenty of integral parts of his personality that make me question whether he will stick with looking inside himself. I can only hope. I'm scared to try and work things out (we are still separated) I'm frustrated where things are at the moment (in limbo with various cycles of crap). Your wife may not _see_ your changes the way you do. You will have to suck it up and give it time - I'm not sure how things work where you are but legal stuff rarely happens quickly.

Hello Purple.

First, thank you for being here and responding. I'm in a hard place right now and I need help/support. Her behavior toward me vascillates and I don't understand that. Right now she's at a place where she's felt strong enough to file for divorce. I've had so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions since she told me she had filed, that I felt an overwhelming need to express them to her. And I did some. Truth be told, she already knows how I feel, and no further expression of it was necessary...except to me. And I see your point...she may just see it as pursuing and more manipulation. Although 'that' was not my intention. I haven't sent her anything like that since yesterday afternoon. And again, I believe your point of view is correct on this...I don't intend to contact her anymore about anything other than that about our kids...God help me.

"Respect her choices, let them sit for a while." That makes good sense, it's just hard to do. I believe in that advice though and, God help me, I intend to do it. I so want her to realize on her own that I am serious about my changes. I know the things you are saying are sound and true, but under emotional duress we sometimes make bad decisions and do things that aren't really in our best interests. I'm human, and I've done this recently...not making excuses, I'm just crushed and hurt.

How can she see the changes if we never spend any time together? I want her to trust me. I've taken responsibility from the beginning of this mess. I don't know if she's scared, or just 'done'. Sure seems to me it's the latter. I don't think she sees my changes, or trusts them...or even cares. And the 'not even caring' part hurts the most. I've got no choice but to suck it up and go through with it. I'm in Oklahoma, and I don't know about the legal process, what to expect, time involved, etc.. I don't look forward to the legal proceedings.


ps - I want you guys to know how much it means to me that you take the time to respond and try to help me out here, and be supportive. Thank you. And thank you Purple. Please stick around. Your experience and insight is helpful, supportive, and needed.

[antlers]

Quick question. Why does it make her mad, or disgusted, especially after all this time (and especially after she told me she filed for divorce), for me to even mention to her that I am sad or hurt? She can't stand that! "Poor you", "woe is me", etc. I don't understand it?


I'm headed out shortly for a good bicycle ride. I'll check my thread when I get back. Again, thank you people for being here and taking the time for me.

[iwantittowork]

Quick question. Why does it make her mad, or disgusted, especially after all this time (and especially after she told me she filed for divorce), for me to even mention to her that I am sad or hurt? She can't stand that! "Poor you", "woe is me", etc. I don't understand it?

Antlers, you know I am in the same position as you right now, but take a moment to think about your statement.

Don't discount that she is angry/sad/hurt herself and has been in the past.

Think about what your doing by telling her your sad or hurt, your placing your feelings under her power, and she sees that, as well as attempting to make her feel guilty. Even if that is not your intention to do so, that will be how she sees it. That's why you have to do the DB counterintuitive of NOT talking to her about these.

She has taken the action she has, and one part of that, is she is taking responsibility for her own happiness now, and we need to do the same! Doing so MAY show her that oh, Antlers can do fine without me. That is what may bring her around to wonder about you.

Believe me, I know how hard this is. I spent all day yesterday playing with my d8, and laughing and joking and playing games with her, and then having a good dinner, to which I invited WAW as well. All the while knowing TODAY I am going to write up the contracts to disolve this marriage with her.

Show Ms Antlers that you will be FINE without her, and acknowledge the hurt for yourself in private. I know your doing this already, just want to reinforce that to you.

Be Strong. You can do this.

[antlers]

Wow! I just got back from a 32 mile bicycle ride this morning and I was thinking how good it felt to have a fresh batch of endorphins bathing my gray matter to help me feel better for the time being.

I wasn't home 5 minutes before I got a knock on the door. It was a man serving me with divorce papers. That was quick. She filed last Thursday and I got them today.

[iwantittowork]

Sorry Antlers, I really am. I got 3 hours to go until Mediation. I feel for you.

If I were you, I'd be tempted to not even open them until I got to the L tomorrow, not sure if that's good advice or not, just how I 'feel' at the moment.

I know your hurting, so just acknowledge it, it's good you just had a good workout too, doing something good for yourself.

[antlers]

Quick question. Why does it make her mad, or disgusted, especially after all this time (and especially after she told me she filed for divorce), for me to even mention to her that I am sad or hurt? She can't stand that! "Poor you", "woe is me", etc. I don't understand it?

Antlers, you know I am in the same position as you right now, but take a moment to think about your statement.

Don't discount that she is angry/sad/hurt herself and has been in the past.

Think about what your doing by telling her your sad or hurt, your placing your feelings under her power, and she sees that, as well as attempting to make her feel guilty. Even if that is not your intention to do so, that will be how she sees it. That's why you have to do the DB counterintuitive of NOT talking to her about these.

She has taken the action she has, and one part of that, is she is taking responsibility for her own happiness now, and we need to do the same! Doing so MAY show her that oh, Antlers can do fine without me. That is what may bring her around to wonder about you.

Believe me, I know how hard this is. I spent all day yesterday playing with my d8, and laughing and joking and playing games with her, and then having a good dinner, to which I invited WAW as well. All the while knowing TODAY I am going to write up the contracts to disolve this marriage with her.

Show Ms Antlers that you will be FINE without her, and acknowledge the hurt for yourself in private. I know your doing this already, just want to reinforce that to you.

Be Strong. You can do this.

Whoa! I don't discount that she is angry, sad, and hurt, etc.. Never have. I know she is. But, if I mention that I'm sad that she filed for divorce and her response is "poor you", well, I don't get it. Not trying to make anybody feel anything, I'm just expressing my response to a painful action that she's taken. She may see it differently, as you say. I have no control over her thoughts, feelings, or actions. I know that. It's painful that she's taken this action, for whatever reasons she has, and after looking at these papers and seeing just what she's going after from me, it hurts even more. I mean, it's hard to believe! I know I'm responsible for my own happiness. I worked hard after the separation and got physically and mentally stronger...now, another huge bomb has been dropped on me. I'm going to have to go through some bad stuff that I never wanted to go through. "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." This I must do! I would love to be given a second chance, but I do not want to have ANY false hopes. I have no choice but to show her that I will be fine without her, and I really want to be. Acknowledge my hurt in private? Should I share it with my friends/family? Or should I keep it all to myself. I detatched pretty good, over time, after the separation. Now, I need to do it again. Lots of stuff came back after the filing for divorce by her. I need some more help with detatching.

I'm glad you are here iwantittowork. Thanks.