whether there were things in your M that were good, really good, things you think your W really might miss. Things you used to do together, or talk about. Do you think your W misses anything about your life together?
There are things we do miss you know... not the big things, like sex (although.. yeah I miss that).. it's more of a combination of the little things..
when I needed AND wanted a fixer.. he was an amazing fixer.
dancing in the kitchen to a song on the radio- we danced great together
his warm legs for my cold feet in bed at night
taking me to watch the blow-em up, drive/fly fast adventure movies - I'm really not that into chick flicks & he knows it
having a man's appetite to cook for
those are some of the little things I miss....
Hi Bridge. I wish I heard from you more often. Your input is especially appreciated. Maybe there are a combination of little things that she misses, or will miss (after her hurt and anger die down some more).
I'm sorry you're still struggling. I'm better now, as far as being the type of man that Stosny talks about (angry, resentful, abusive)...but I damn sure regret being that way and causing the problems that I did. Now, I'm gonna pay for it for the rest of my life.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I think our situations are similar in that we both realized we had serious changes to make and we made them. Sure, we may have known we needed to make the changes for us, but at least in my case, a wonderful affirmation would be if my W validated that the changes are good and trustworthy. It's like I trust her judgement on that more than anyone else's. If I meet someone else and they appreciate who I am, that would be great, but it wouldn't have quite the same meaning as coming from my W, because she saw me at my worst.
No, I'm not divorced. Not even legally separated yet, although we've been living separately since the beginning of the year, and my W has travelled three times to see her OM. In my state, we have a mandatory one year wait after legal separation is granted before a no-fault D is granted. I could D my W any time I want though, as she has committed adultery, and she would have no defense. It's because I have hope for us that I don't go that route, plus it would probably be much more expensive than legally separating first. My W and I seem to trade off who's proactively pushing for the legal stuff, and who's dragging their feet. Right now I'm pushing for it, as we can't live like this forever, and she's stalling. When she saw me pushing for it, she asked if I'd be willing to talk about "us" at some point, and then referred to the D in a very unsure manner, as in "If we do end up finalizing this D, ..."
Definitely don't roll over in the D process. In fact, insisting on a fair arrangement is not only right, it'll get you respect in her eyes. She is being very spiteful, and is letting anger dictate her actions. Try not to read too much into what she's asking for. Her lawyer is probably telling her to ask for everything, why not? Then she can concede things from there.
As for you moving on, we all need to make that choice on our own. It doesn't mean we're closing the door on our W or our M forever, but it might be good for your sense of worth as a human being. You've been waiting for your W to give you some indication that you're not a bad person. Maybe if you got that validation from others, it might make you feel quite a bit better. I have gone through periods where I felt like I need to move on and I dated some, but our three kids keep me in contact with my W so much, and we enjoy each other's company so much that I can't seem to really let go for good. Doesn't seem like she can either. I can't allow this limbo to go on much longer though.
I think our situations are similar in that we both realized we had serious changes to make and we made them. Sure, we may have known we needed to make the changes for us, but at least in my case, a wonderful affirmation would be if my W validated that the changes are good and trustworthy. It's like I trust her judgement on that more than anyone else's. If I meet someone else and they appreciate who I am, that would be great, but it wouldn't have quite the same meaning as coming from my W, because she saw me at my worst.
No, I'm not divorced. Not even legally separated yet, although we've been living separately since the beginning of the year, and my W has travelled three times to see her OM. In my state, we have a mandatory one year wait after legal separation is granted before a no-fault D is granted. I could D my W any time I want though, as she has committed adultery, and she would have no defense. It's because I have hope for us that I don't go that route, plus it would probably be much more expensive than legally separating first. My W and I seem to trade off who's proactively pushing for the legal stuff, and who's dragging their feet. Right now I'm pushing for it, as we can't live like this forever, and she's stalling. When she saw me pushing for it, she asked if I'd be willing to talk about "us" at some point, and then referred to the D in a very unsure manner, as in "If we do end up finalizing this D, ..."
Definitely don't roll over in the D process. In fact, insisting on a fair arrangement is not only right, it'll get you respect in her eyes. She is being very spiteful, and is letting anger dictate her actions. Try not to read too much into what she's asking for. Her lawyer is probably telling her to ask for everything, why not? Then she can concede things from there.
As for you moving on, we all need to make that choice on our own. It doesn't mean we're closing the door on our W or our M forever, but it might be good for your sense of worth as a human being. You've been waiting for your W to give you some indication that you're not a bad person. Maybe if you got that validation from others, it might make you feel quite a bit better. I have gone through periods where I felt like I need to move on and I dated some, but our three kids keep me in contact with my W so much, and we enjoy each other's company so much that I can't seem to really let go for good. Doesn't seem like she can either. I can't allow this limbo to go on much longer though.
Hi futureunknown-
Sounds like it. I validated, I apologized, I accepted responsibility, and I became a better man, father, and partner. I knew I needed to make the changes, period. Regardless of anything else. I understand. It would have been a wonderful affirmation for me too if my wife had validated that the changes were real, good, and trustworthy. Other than myself, I would trust her judgement on my changes more than anyone else's since she saw me at my worst. I understand and agree with how you feel.
Sounds like you're in a tough spot too. At least there's still a chance for you guys. There seems to still be a connection there.
I don't intend to. I don't know if getting respect in her eyes is even a possibility anymore. I don't want to make decisions based on emotions. I agree with the things you're saying here.
"As for you moving on, we all need to make that choice on our own. It doesn't mean we're closing the door on our W or our M forever, but it might be good for your sense of worth as a human being. You've been waiting for your W to give you some indication that you're not a bad person. Maybe if you got that validation from others, it might make you feel quite a bit better." - Can't disagree with you here either...just hard to get my mind around it. We're talking nearly 2 decades!
Man, thanks for being here.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Yeah antlers, how did it go? I just got an e-mail from our mediator about our meeting next week. Fun stuff.
Well, it's gonna be a very costly thing for me - financially, mentally, and emotionally. I do feel a little better knowing that I have someone now who will look out for me...someone who is concerned with what is in my best interests.
Good luck with your meeting next week. Thanks, man!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
