Hope is the thing with feathers....

[Bridgestone]

Hi Tim,
Thanks for stopping by & your well wishes.. things are going pretty good overall.

Having a down last few days... not sure what it is. Have been fielding phone calls from the StBX. I guess he's trying to put the demons to rest & I can't say that I blame him.. there are a lot of them in here some nights.

My job is going well, I've been asked to apply for a permanent position, as opposed to the 3-year term one I have. I'm making friends, enjoying city-life and the International STudent that is staying in my home with me.

I miss my daughter & the daily interactions about her day. She sang the national anthem at the high school volleyball tournament the other day ... I got to see it via a youtube upload, but.. just not the same.

I'm staying busy.. volunteering at the local dog shelter, working out at the gym with a personal traniner, I have dropped 2 dress sizes & almost 10" in since the middle of July, working on professional opportunities that seem to fall into my lap when I'm not looking, I'm part of 3 different meetup.com groups and attend those pretty regularly... so GAL isn't a problem.

I think I'm grieving the loss of hope that changes could happen that would make a difference for both of us in a healthy way.

It would be easy to let the negativity & bitterness of the last interaction carry me into mean, hurtful choices & words. It takes energy and strength to remain compassionate and in the moment. Sadly, right now I'm needing some replacement into my bucket & with no family close by or those type of close friends yet... I'm struggling.

I'm going back to my parents this week for a professional conference that is near by & to spend the week-end with my daughter. I'm hoping that will help.

I'm not sure how to handle seeing the StBX.. as the arrangement for me to be with her (I could come & go from his house as I pleased) we had before this last incident is just not going to work for me & my sense of safety now. That has me really sad & anxious.

We go see a lawyer on Monday to see how he would handle this mediation process & options for the business separation, finances, etc... fun times.

Peace
Bridge

[Distressed67]

Bridge,

Sounds like alot of good is happening in your life despite the pit falls you are going through. Obviously they really like you at your new job to offer you a perminent postion there. That has to be a really big boost to your self asteem along with working out and dropping weight, good for you!

Not seeing your D everyday has to be hard, hopefully she understands and you have a great time with her this weekend.

As for the stbx, I would not go into his house nor give him the opportunity to be alone with you. The less interaction with him the better for you. Too much chitt like that on tv and I see no reason to put yourself in that situation.

Take care and smile your doing what is best and right for you and that is all that is important at the moment. Let the demons fend for themselves its too damn cold way up north for them anyways so don't let them in.

Tim

[lodo]

Hey Bridge,

Don't worry - the down times always cycle back into good times. Just be patient and treat yourself well while you make your way through the process.

I think I'm grieving the loss of hope that changes could happen that would make a difference for both of us in a healthy way.

Yep, that's the hard part - when you still care for someone but can never make it work. We each have our own realities and sometimes those can change into very different things that will never mesh.

Sorry you haven't connected with close friends yet. Sometimes it helps to just decide you're going to be outgoing and gregarious - acting as if. people respond. takes extra work on your part but it helps grow new friendships faster. Throw a dinner party and invite people you're interested in - a variety for good conversation.

I'd steer clear as much as possible from STBX. Learn a lesson from me - there's a time when the best thing you can do is cut things off instead of trying to be friends. Get the opportunity to heal on your own without the constant tug ...

take care of yourself, lodo

[Bridgestone]

Went to see the S20 this weekend.. struggled with the pride/joy of watching my offspring shine in his own space, in his own wonderfully quirky way.. and immediately on the heels of that came the disappointment that the one person that I could share that pride/joy about our son.. it was not safe to be in the same room with.

Sadness...

thankfully feelings pass.

financial pieces for the D move along.

StBX died on a hill that it was not worth dieing on in regards to his income levels and the financial games he can play with his business to make it look on the 1040's to the IRS, as if he makes as little $7K a year.. heck 2 years ago he even 'lost' money as his reported income.

I told him if that was the game he was going to play (use the 1040 #'s to justify gettnig more child support from me & not paying alimony) that my Lawyer needed to see all the business agreements he had with his parents for various income streams, as well as all the detailed bookkeeping records his mother keeps on the family business.

When he started to back peddle on this point, and then wanted to go back into negotiations where stated he'd be 'flexible' on what his income would be listed as..... I just kept pointing out that I would not go into mediation again until my lawyer had a chance to look over all that information, so he needed to get busy rounding it up.

I like blaming my lawyer for buying him time to think through his choices.

another day.. thanks for reading.
Peace
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

Well, another week and a half gone by.

Things are moving along, but slowly. financial pieces are to the respective lawyers & appointments with the mediator have been set up for next month.

Ideally (ha!)... the final agreement could be hammered out by xmas time. Our BAD, BAD, BAD communication habits keep biting us in the a$$... I'm learning to recognize that even though he wants to hear what I have to say.. he really can't handle it. I almost wish he'd come here & get advice from Coach.

I've been thinking about future relationships.. I keep reading about how women who have been in abusive relationships seek out men who treat them as before. I'd like to think I'm stronger, know more, can see it now..

but I know I my graduate advisor is verbally & emotionally abusive...they talk & act much like StBX can when he is wielding his "power". It just makes my skin crawl to deal with them.. sick to my stomach, I shut down.. which is not good for finishing in a timely manner. I avoid.

Maybe finally recognizing that 8 year old relationship is an abusive one, is indication I AM stronger, wiser, more aware. I have no idea what to do about that R & how it relates to finishing the degree but I'm sure at some point it will become clear.

Also, not sure how this new awareness, wisdom, strength.. will play out when it comes to diving back into the pond where there are plenty of fish I'm told... but I know I'm scared.

I wondering how much of a factor 'emotional trust' will play in future relationships. I suppose as much I as let it.

Well, that was a nice chat I had with myself!

Hope all is well with those who are reading along both publicly & privately.

Peace
Bridge

[kat727]

I think the hard thing about people that are abusive is that they can hide it. Maybe they send out signals that something is off.

Don't feel that you have to be in a rush to get back out there. It has been a little over a year for me since the divorce. You have to get your confidence back, give it time.

kat

[Bridgestone]

Hi kat
thanks for reading along & stopping by with your thoughts.

I hear what you are saying about giving it time and growing my confidence.

I've been working on the confidence rebuild for quite a while now.. that is what allowed me to leave and then to put boundaries into place after I did.

I think what I need is a different kind of confidence that comes by interacting with people in some level of relationship.. without the expectation of it going to COMMITMENT.

I'm reading "rebuilding: when your relationship ends" by Fischer & Alberti

One of the concepts in the book is about having growing relationships.. interactions with different people who are there in your life to teach you things like "trust", "fun", "communication" etc.

I need to learn new ways to interact in a R, that are healhty, productive, safe, intimate ... this book advocates using little relationships to practice those skills so when the right person comes along at the right time when I have the right skills... it will be a good thing.

I'm just worried about having the 'sense' to not be practicing those skills with another abusive (possibly in a covert way-not as in your face as my StBX) person because it feels comfortable.

i hope I have learned enough to recognize it for what it is & to honor my gut instinct & set my boundaries appropriately.. without going too far the other way & keeping everyone at bay & arm's length because of fear.

Thanks for giving me the chance to clarify my thoughts outloud.

Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

Hi Bridgestone.

I just wanted to share something with you that I read today, and it applies to so many here on this board...

"The goal of healing is to have whatever harm you've suffered become the 'least' important thing about you. Other proples behavior is not about you at all. Only your core value is about you."

[Bridgestone]

Hi Antlers,
Thanks for stopping by. I understand what you shared means.

The 'abuse' shouldn't define who I am & be the least important thing about me. I get that his behaviour & choices are about him, not me.

I'm just lacking the confidence right now that I've learned to interact with another man in an intimate relationship that doesn't perpetuate the same unhealthy behaviours, thoughts & feelings. And it's scary, as a 40+ single mom, to think about trying to learn those skills.

I understand no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes in our R's (big & little). Maturity involves recognizing the mistakes, owning them, asking for forgiveness, then working to do it differently next time in ways that match our core value.


Just really unsure about how to approach these next R's that will inevitably (hopefully) come into my life.

Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

I can understand what you're saying here...but, people's behavior always reflects the current status of their core value. If you operate from your core value, then you're gonna be OK...regardless; you can't help but be OK...if you operate from your core value!