Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand." - sent to me by O'dog.


I don't want to make any more decisions based on emotions.

I need to respect myself enough to let go of the people that don't value me.

The past bothers me, as it does her.

Is it true that the only purpose served by the past is to help one learn to make the present and the future more fruitful?

[C-Bart]

Beautiful!

[K4D]

Is it true that the only purpose served by the past is to help one learn to make the present and the future more fruitful?

That would be an accurate statement in my opinion. It is why we learn history, so we don't repeat the mistakes of the past. We change accordingly.

Kevin

[antlers]

It hurts me to think about the past. Makes sense that I shouldn't think about something that hurts me. Also makes sense not to spend any mental or emotional energy on something that you have no control over! Easier said than done, but certainly worth the effort!

[K4D]

Review the past ONLY for the purpose of changing the present and future. As soon as it becomes more than that, you are in danger mode of setting yourself back.

Kevin

[antlers]

I need to respect myself enough to let go of the people that don't value me.

She doesn't value me anymore because of the way I used to be. The fact that I'm not that way anymore is irrelevant to her. I just gotta choke it down, and accept that it's that way.

[K4D]

She doesn't value me anymore because of the way I used to be. The fact that I'm not that way anymore is irrelevant to her. I just gotta choke it down, and accept that it's that way.

You have to accept that it is that way right now. You don't have to accept that it will stay that way forever. Take your eyes off your current circumstances and keep focusing on you. And I asure you that it is relevant to her. I asure you she is noticing. But she is not going to show you right now. She may be waiting to see if it is long lasting or not. You don't know what is going on in her mind. Our W's are experts at keeping their thoughts secret from us.

Remember, this is a long road traveled for most.

Keep up the focus on changing you. Let the rest work itself out with time. I think you might be surpised if you can keep being patient.

Kevin

[futureunknown]

I asure you she is noticing. But she is not going to show you right now. She may be waiting to see if it is long lasting or not. You don't know what is going on in her mind. Our W's are experts at keeping their thoughts secret from us.

Antlers, I don't know how much this applies to your situation, but what happened to me last night supports K4D's statement. Less than a year ago, my W told me she was leaving me, that she doesn't love me, that she hasn't loved me in years, that she's not attracted to me, that my anger killed her love for me, and that there NO HOPE for us at all. When I tried to reason with her she got very angry and hateful. I later found out she was having a long distance affair with a man from her past.

Last night my W admitted how sad she is over what happened. She said she still loves me, and she meant it. She said she thinks I'm hot. She says I deserve to be loved. She said my anger in our M made her disappear inside herself, and that she had to leave or she felt like she would die. She said she now trusts me again, and feels safe with me, and I know it's because of my consistent loving behavior toward her. However, she said because of her A, we can never be together again. I told her nothing she's done is unforgivable because I know I broke her heart a hundred times over the years. We agreed to start spending some time together to see how it feels. She actually used the word reconciliation. It's a start, and we'll see where it goes.

Your situation does seem like it might take considerably longer, as your W is more angry than mine was, but what K4D said is true. Your WAW is not immune to your changes, and may someday soften toward you in response. It may even take getting divorced for her to get there. Regardless, live your life for you now.

[antlers]

I asure you she is noticing. But she is not going to show you right now. She may be waiting to see if it is long lasting or not. You don't know what is going on in her mind. Our W's are experts at keeping their thoughts secret from us.

Antlers, I don't know how much this applies to your situation, but what happened to me last night supports K4D's statement. Less than a year ago, my W told me she was leaving me, that she doesn't love me, that she hasn't loved me in years, that she's not attracted to me, that my anger killed her love for me, and that there NO HOPE for us at all. When I tried to reason with her she got very angry and hateful. I later found out she was having a long distance affair with a man from her past.

Last night my W admitted how sad she is over what happened. She said she still loves me, and she meant it. She said she thinks I'm hot. She says I deserve to be loved. She said my anger in our M made her disappear inside herself, and that she had to leave or she felt like she would die. She said she now trusts me again, and feels safe with me, and I know it's because of my consistent loving behavior toward her. However, she said because of her A, we can never be together again. I told her nothing she's done is unforgivable because I know I broke her heart a hundred times over the years. We agreed to start spending some time together to see how it feels. She actually used the word reconciliation. It's a start, and we'll see where it goes.

Your situation does seem like it might take considerably longer, as your W is more angry than mine was, but what K4D said is true. Your WAW is not immune to your changes, and may someday soften toward you in response. It may even take getting divorced for her to get there. Regardless, live your life for you now.

I'm sorry you're in the situation that you're in. And I'm thankful that you take the time for me. Thanks. I've been feeling strong, mentally and physically, for months. I DB'd my butt off. She left last February because of the reasons I've mentioned in detail on my threads. I went to work on me, for no other reason than because it needed to be done. I did have hope though, that I'd get a second chance. I don't. This divorce has pummeled me. She told me last Thursday that she doesn't love me, she can't stand to be around me, and that we will never be together. She told me to move on, "and just don't make the same mistakes with the next person that you made with me." She says she's happier now than she has been in many years, and that the kids notice it. She's changed too, sometimes I don't even recognize her compared to how she used to be. She says I should have made the changes 15 years ago. She means what she says. She doesn't care anymore. She seems immune to my changes. I've done absolutely everything in my power. I wish, God knows I hoped, it would have worked out. It didn't. This divorce is happening. I gotta choke it down, and accept it.

[K4D]

Antlers,

I feel for you. I honestly really do. But I think you are giving up far to easily. You have been at this for 8 months. For many, that is still early in the process. Even if the D happens, you are still early in this process. All those things she said to you have been said to all of us and even said to those who have reconciled. It isn't over unless you are calling it over. Give it 2 to 3 years and see what happens. Don't call it quits now. I am just over a year into this and I am not calling it quits regardless of what others may think about my situation.

25yearmlc took 3 years for her M to come back together. I have seen others on here that took 3 years to. You don't know what the future holds. Things could turn around and change at any point. Keep being strong my man. You have been doing a fantastic job. The D is nothing but paperwork. It doesn't mean there isn't still a future reconciliation.

Give it some thought before caving to defeat. You have worked your butt off, but it is going to require more time than you planned. Keep working at it.

Kevin