Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

KerryK,

You're right about not trying to label what she did. The person I married is in there somewhere and the truth will be known to her once her fog lifts.

I guess I should clarify in that I know that when we R, it will not be the same relationship as before. She is going through her own changes as sure as I'm going through mine. Funny how when they go through a MLC, it triggers our own in a much more positive way.

In terms of the detachment, I had gotten to the point after my panic attack where I detached a little too much and really didn't care if she was alive or dead. It was a little too detached. So I had to reign in some of the resentment I had for her and get a little bit of the affection back for her.

I look at her now and just see a shell of the person I married. Too sad. Did your W look better after her D? Mine is getting skinnier and having skin problems.

[MrBond]

Thanks for the encouragement Kevin.

[smith18]

Did your W look better after her D? Mine is getting skinnier and having skin problems.

Her looks definitely changed big time. When I married her, she could have easily been a double for Michelle Kwan, but now she has morphed into something like a dragon lady. Still attractive, but not my taste. She dresses in a very high class manner, along with piling on the makeup. She always has the high dollar toe nail job with what appears to me to be red glow in the dark polish. And from what I have been told, the OM (69) also gets his toenails painted. They can have each other.

[MrBond]

Ha! Sounds like it. My W actually has started looking worse and walks with a bit of a hunched back.

When your W said she wanted a second chance, do you think she really meant it or just because her hold on you was slipping? Was she ever remorseful about her A?

[smith18]

She had written me a letter saying how sorry she was that a "nightmare" had come into her life. She said there was nothing wrong with me and that I was a good guy. But that was quite a while before she asked for a second chance.

When she asked for a second chance, I already had a girlfriend and was 100% positive that I wanted the divorce to finalize. I really dont know what was in her mind on asking for the 2nd chance. Maybe she was wanting to save face and have an excuse to say she tried to save the marriage. It was a surprise to me, but I did not want her to beg and plead so I told her right away that the answer was no. She tried to put the blame on me by stating that I said that I would wait indefinitely. But, I reminded her that I had given her a time frame of July, which had passed, and it was the end of November already.

She had never admitted to a PA with the OM even when she was living with him. She went out of her way to try to convince me that it was just as friends. I had caught her telling a lie before about how she got an STD, so I was not believing anything anymore from her. Plus, it was my own kids that told me their mom was sucking face with OM. I just about passed out when I was driving the car when they said that to me.

[25yearsmlc]

KerryK,

You're right about not trying to label what she did. The person I married is in there somewhere and the truth will be known to her once her fog lifts.

Maybe...but we don't have the same scorecards and won't measure or recall things the same way, ever... and really, does it matter? If she wants back in, fully and in a healthy way, must you insist she see the M history the same way?


I guess I should clarify in that I know that when we R, it will not be the same relationship as before. She is going through her own changes as sure as I'm going through mine. Funny how when they go through a MLC, it triggers our own in a much more positive way.

You bet. I'm much more centered now. Yet also at a crossroads of sorts professionally and am exploring things I would not have before. (Professionally speaking, that is!)

In terms of the detachment, I had gotten to the point after my panic attack where I detached a little too much and really didn't care if she was alive or dead. It was a little too detached. So I had to reign in some of the resentment I had for her and get a little bit of the affection back for her.

I still think you need more GAL stuff and some mystery. There is much more motivation for her to "get it" or have an "aha" moment and CHANGE herself, if she thinks she could lose you. If she knows you'll always be there waiting...why on earth shouldn't she take her time to check out ALL the grass on the other side? I"m not saying to date...but am saying do something to keep her guessing a little, and to wrap up her dang MLC sooner rather than later...

I look at her now and just see a shell of the person I married. Too sad. Did your W look better after her D? Mine is getting skinnier and having skin problems.

Some WAS's look much better, some much worse. All seem to change in appearance though. There's a struggle to change their lives and they don't know how...it's a search that they keep external --changing jobs, hair, spouses, homes, until finally it's obvious even to them, that the search and journey really are inward ones...

j-

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc,

Thanks again for the comments:
"If she wants back in, fully and in a healthy way, must you insist she see the M history the same way?"

Definitely not. If she matures and sees the R in an adult way as I have, she'll see the mistakes both of us have made. I of course do not want the same M. Rather a new one that has grown from the mistakes of the past.

That's the only way we're ever going to grow as a couple. If not, one of us is going to be on here again posting.

I'm going out tomorrow night for a professionals mixer so I asked her to watch the kids. She actually asked me where it was. I'm a little surprised as she didn't really care about anything I did. But oh well, not reading into it.

There will be females there, so I'm looking forward to working my mojo to be sure I'm not "dead" and maybe see what attracts women in general.

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck,

Just so you know, I do see hope in your sitch. Detach and it could work out in the long run. I know this hurts now, & sucks, but hold on, okay? And can you make some holiday plans a little firmer so you can avoid or minimize crappy stuff? Just a thought.

(( j ))

PS and did I mention that you should detach??

[courts0818]

Hi Stuck,
I read through all 24 pages of posts and I just have to say that I can totally relate. Our situations are very different, yet sadly, they are too much alike. My H walked out a year ago next week. Like your W, he blames me for his unhappiness. I'm just curious (if you don't mind sharing), how long have you been dealing with this?

Many of the things you posted, were exactly the way I have felt. Even though men and women seem to think totally different, your posts are proof positive that we often FEEL the same.

I have really struggled with detaching, but I think I'm finally at a place where it's become a teeny bit easier. I felt like I didn't have any other choice - my H was intentionally deceiving me, totally unwilling to talk about our future and totally unwilling to try counseling, going back to church, moving back home, etc... After a year of waiting for him, I finally said "ENOUGH" it's time to let him go. It is a daily struggle for me, but I'm doing okay.

Anyway, enough about me. I really just wanted to pop in and say that I understand and really hope that things work out so you are happy. You sound like a really nice guy and a great dad. So sorry you are going through this.

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc,

Thanks for the post. I hear you. I'm on my way to detaching. Even yesterday, I had the urge to send her a 'hello' email or a message. But I didn't small step, but I'm getting there again.

Last night I went out and had a blast with my friends including a female friend whom if I was forced to be single, might make a good companion. I still hold affection for my W though.

I think the thing that has kept me in fear is the fact that unlike many MLCers who say they just don't know what they want, my W said flat out that she wanted a D and that was that. No explanation other than she doesn't love me anymore. I mean it was so vague in the beginning that I didn't even know what I had to improve or correct if there were any because she just lost that "feeling" of being in love and doesn't want it back. Oh well.

Anyway, I do see hope too, but until that time I will continue to detach and really leave it up to God. We haven't made any concrete plans for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Last year we spent those two holidays apart. We'll see how things go this time.

There is a wedding of a mutual friend of ours that I'd like to take her to, so we'll see what she says about that.