Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

Hey Kevin,

I've prayed regularly that she would heal, and that she would forgive me. Early on, I prayed for restoration of the marriage...then I got to where I just prayed for God's will (He already knew what I wanted) and the knowledge of His will. I prayed for wisdom and discernment. I have pretty much forgiven myself for being the way I was (took a long time), but I'm still disappointed that I was that way and this all is the result. I've asked for her forgiveness, may times...she doesn't like it. As more time passed, she got to where she was more and more pissed that she was treated like she was.

Despair isn't gonna keep me from being a better dad, man, or partner.

I think the best thing for me, right now, is to finish completely detatching. Period. Heavy stuff coming up with the divorce proceedings.

[K4D]

Antlers,

I think you are doing great. I just don't want to see you fall into the same trap I did for a year. It is painful and miserable. I am breaking out of that mold now and you have been doing it for some time.

I guess everyone moves at their own pace. Just try and keep positive about yourself and your kids and keep detaching.

Kevin

[antlers]

Just try and keep positive about yourself and your kids and keep detaching.

That's the plan.

[antlers]

Detach, make peace with it if you can and you will shine brighter.

I'm trying to do this. Any help on completely detatching would be great. I'm keeping up with Coach's thread on detatchment. Her thoughts, feelings, and actions don't mean anything to other people...so why do they mean more than that to me? I want to get to where her thoughts, feelings, and actions don't mean anything more to me than they do anybody else!

[K4D]

Her thoughts, feelings, and actions don't mean anything to other people...so why do they mean more than that to me? I want to get to where her thoughts, feelings, and actions don't mean anything more to me than they do anybody else!

Because you married her and have known her intimately, emotionally, and every other way for years. Nobody else can say that. You have built a trust in her and a love over time that doesn't just disapear over night. You built a strong bond with her and a family and a life and had expectations of it being forever, as well you should have since you married her. That is why nobody else feels what you do for her. You became one flesh with her. She is your one flesh spouse. You made a covenant with her and trusted in that covenant to never be broken.

I don't think your love for her will ever completely go away. But you do need to get to the point where you can function without her. My love for my W will never completely go away. I don't think theirs goes away either, they are just masking it by bringing someone else into the picture. They are trying to bury their feelings for us.

I just start focusing on something else when my W pops into my head before I let it drag me down to far. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. But I can't let it stop me from thinking about what I can do for myself and kids and with my future.

It is not easy and everyone gets there in their own time. Nobody can decide that time for you. Just don't let it ruin you and hold you back.

Infact at times I find this site to be somewhat depressing and ask myself, why am I looking at this site today. It is a constant reminder of my circumstances. But I do anyways and try to offer advice where I can or where I think it might benefit someone.

Detaching doesn't mean you don't care anymore. It just means you can live life now with whatever the circumstances may be. It means you can still find meaning and enjoyment to your life. I am figuring this out now. It took me a long miserable year to do it and it is taking work to keep on figuring it out each day. But it is doable. But only you can do it for you. Nobody else can do it for you. It is a daily decision that you have to make each morning and each night and then act on it.

Kevin

[K4D]

And you have kids that will always be a reminder of her. That is why you never truly D someone. They will be in your life the rest of your life as long as you have kids together.

It is how you manage those feelings that allows you to be all you can be with or without her.

Kevin

[mnt_dreams]

hey antlers... checking up on you and sorry to hear about the D proceedings.

The detaching will come. Ask God to help you with detaching to the point you aren't concerned about her thoughts, actions or feelings. He can help you get there. That detachment doesn't mean you're giving up hope, but rather protecting yourself and your heart. If it's His will that you come back together, it will happen regardless of the detachment. So pray for strength and the ability to detach.

Focus on your kids. Ride the bike (but not obsessively), listen to music, get out with the family and enjoy the fall. You can do it, and we're here to support you. Take care.

[K4D]

Remember this antlers,

God invented M. God created it for a reason. You and your W made a covenant with God. It is funny how people like to pretend there was no covenant made. But there was. It is God's will to have covenant M's restored. So keep praying and working on you.

These things take time. So many times I wanted to give up and call it quits. But I keep coming back to the fact we made a covenant with God that does not go away regardless of what other people may want. God doesn't release us from that covenant even if other people don't like it.

Stay on track brother. Your reward will come with time if you just keep faith.

Kevin

[antlers]

I appreciate your thoughtful post. Your first paragraph in particular, describes how I feel. And I agree with what you say
at the end of your post too.

I believe the detatching will come and I ask God to help me with detaching to the point I'm not concerned about her thoughts, feelings, or actions. I believe He can help me get there. I know it doesn't mean I'm giving up, but rather protecting myself and my heart. If it's His will that we come back together, it will happen regardless of the detachment. So I pray for strength and the ability to detach.

[antlers]

hey antlers... checking up on you and sorry to hear about the D proceedings.

The detaching will come. Ask God to help you with detaching to the point you aren't concerned about her thoughts, actions or feelings. He can help you get there. That detachment doesn't mean you're giving up hope, but rather protecting yourself and your heart. If it's His will that you come back together, it will happen regardless of the detachment. So pray for strength and the ability to detach.

Focus on your kids. Ride the bike (but not obsessively), listen to music, get out with the family and enjoy the fall. You can do it, and we're here to support you. Take care.

Thank you. I'm sorry for the hurt that you feel also.

I hope it will come. I ask God daily to help me do just that. I want Him to help me detatch to the point where I'm not concerned about her thoughts, feelings, or actions. I hope He'll help me get there. I do pray for strength and the ability to detatch. I want to feel peaceful and centered.

My kids are my joy. I ride regularly. Thank you for being there to support me mnt_dreams. Been spending more time with friends too.