Right now, I'm trying to learn what type of mindset to have throughout this thing.
Coach's Stockdale Principle and a quote that O'dog sent me are kinda my mantra right now. And also putting forth even more effort to detatch completely, and not let what is going on with her and in her life affect me at all.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Antlers, Could the legal procedings and your reaction be because you had some expectations? You have made some incredible positive personal growth. You are doing the work on yourself. Step back and detach, try viewing things like you are watching your family in a fishbowl. Try to imagine if the roles were reversed, how would you see things then?
The first step in reconciliation is letting go of negative feelings. Your wife isn't there yet. How is the new and improved Antlers going to handle this?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Antlers, Could the legal procedings and your reaction be because you had some expectations? You have made some incredible positive personal growth. You are doing the work on yourself. Step back and detach, try viewing things like you are watching your family in a fishbowl. Try to imagine if the roles were reversed, how would you see things then?
The first step in reconciliation is letting go of negative feelings. Your wife isn't there yet. How is the new and improved Antlers going to handle this?
Cheers
Coach, the legal proceedings aren't because I had some expectations. My reaction to the legal proceedings could certainly be because I had...I wouldn't say expectations, but rather, hope. Hope, that I would get a second chance. I don't. Yes, I have made some positive personal growth...a lot of it. Yes, I have been, and will continue, doing the work on myself. I want to detatch completely, and not be affected by her or what is going on in her life at all. Just don't want to have any false hopes.
I don't yet know how I'm gonna handle it Coach! I've gotta do it though; I've gotta go through it. The Stockdale Principle and a quote that O'dog sent me are kinda my mantra right now.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Could the legal procedings and your reaction be because you had some expectations?
I didn't word that well. Meant to say, "Your reaction to the legal proceedings could be because you had some expectations."
Don't think for a second you don't have chance. You are still being watched.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Could the legal procedings and your reaction be because you had some expectations?
I didn't word that well. Meant to say, "Your reaction to the legal proceedings could be because you had some expectations."
Don't think for a second you don't have chance. You are still being watched.
Cheers
Understood. Thanks.
Feels that way, especially after hearing the things I have and the actions being taken. Think so? I don't want to have any false hopes. I'd like it if it were so.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Think so? I don't want to have any false hopes. I'd like it if it were so.
She is paying attention every time she see's you or hears about you from the kids. She just isn't letting you know. Even if she is with someone else, she cannot escapte thinking about you. Only a psychopath could do that and I don't think either of our W's are that.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Think so? I don't want to have any false hopes. I'd like it if it were so.
She is paying attention every time she see's you or hears about you from the kids. She just isn't letting you know. Even if she is with someone else, she cannot escapte thinking about you. Only a psychopath could do that and I don't think either of our W's are that.
Kevin
She's been seeing me (occasionally) and hearing about me from the kiddos for the last 8 months. Hasn't mattered. She never mentions me to the kiddos (they tell me) and she never mentions me to her parents (they tell me). Hard to imagine that she thinks about me at all anymore (except in a negative way).
What I want to do is completely detatch to where I'm not affected, at all, by her or what is happening in her life.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She's been seeing me (occasionally) and hearing about me from the kiddos for the last 8 months. Hasn't mattered. She never mentions me to the kiddos (they tell me) and she never mentions me to her parents (they tell me). Hard to imagine that she thinks about me at all anymore (except in a negative way).
You are their father. She gave birth to YOUR children. She married YOU. You 2 built a life together and formed a family together. Do you truly think it is possible to forget that? Maybe her feelings are negative right now about you. But I guarantee you that she thinks about you. She may not want to talk about you to anyone. But at night when she puts her head to the pillow, I promise you that you cross her mind. She wouldn't be human if you didn't. And she is human. Everytime she has the kids, they are a reminder of you and your life that you 2 formed together.
You are letting yourself backslide to much. That is natural, we all hit that. But you have to get back to what you were doing and stop obsessing about her and what she is thinking. Again, you are only 8 months into this. Don't even bother taking a temperature check right now. The minimum should be a year unless she makes real changes towards you.
Patience is extremely hard in these situations. It is the hardest thing in the world to stand for your M during times like this. You have made real changes and that is not easily accomplished without putting real work into it.
Do you pray each night for her and your M to be restored? Do you forgive her daily for anything she might have wronged you and your kids on and then let it go? Have you forgiven yourself for your own part in the failings of the M? Have you prayed for forgiveness for yourself? Have you asked her to forgive you? If so, then let all those feelings go and keep on working on YOU and pray for your M each day and your W's soul each day. I know you believe in God after reading your thread. Let Him take control of the situation and you just be patient and stay on track.
Don't let dispair stop you from continuing to be a better man/father/husband.
Quote:
What I want to do is completely detatch to where I'm not affected, at all, by her or what is happening in her life.
Then do it. That is what will be necessary to carry you through this time.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
