I think a necessary facet of detachment is the process of disconnecting one's own sense of self-worth and even *basic identity* from the opinions/actions of one's spouse. You can't successfully detach while your self-image is still in any way in their keeping.
It's refusing to let them decide FOR YOU whether or not you're a decent caring, spouse/parent/sexual partner/friend. It's caring about their needs and emotions while simultaneously realizing that you are a perfectly valid (not perfect; valid) human being with or without them, their love, their, cooperation, or their approval.
Great clarification. Thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
It occurred to me during my ordeal that being detached is similar to a R with a friend, which is very different than a R with a spouse. Although I care deeply about my friends, what they do and what they think just doesn't have power over my feelings about myself, at least not usually. That's the way I try to think about my W. That's detachment. I still love her and care for her, but she has her own life and I have mine. Her actions don't personally affect me. I'm in control of me.
That's an understandable way of putting it too! Thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Detachment IS a process and does not happen overnight. It is not emotionally based - "I'm mad as he!!, so I know I'll be able to detach."
Coach and Puppy hit the nail on the head. Nothing to add there but a "RIGHT."
One image/thought that helped me was this one. Sorry for the non-religious folks, but I think you can apply it as well.
I realized that it was not God's plan for me to be alone. So, either one of two things was going to happen. One, my W would "come back" and want to work on our M. My old M is dead, so we will work a new M in which we will both be happier than we ever thought possible,
Two, my W does not come back. In that case, it means God has someone out there who needs me more than my W. And, that person is someone with whom (not BECAUSE of whom) I find happiness like I haven't known before.
Either way I win. So, why worry about the outcome?
I like it GIMA! I shall put those words on my dashboard somewhere. Kind of back to my old mantra "Hope is knowing that something good can come from something bad." I'm running out of room on my dash with all the great words of wisdom coming from this forum.
On detachment I often confused it with separation as in emotional separation. Thinking that if I was feeling pain or anger towards my W I was not detached.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
The mindset you will be alright no matter what happens. That's why I started telling myself, "I can handle it." TEA -Thought proceeds emotion, emotion proceeds action. Have a plan for all possibilities, learn what the facts are so you don't imagine the worse (feed the snakes)and then play to win.
Another view on detaching that helped me was to use the "fishbowl" analogy. View your sitch like you are a third party looking at your marriage from the outside looking in. The change of perspective helps.
JTJ, The boundaries discussion is a great idea. We will get on it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Another view on detaching that helped me was to use the "fishbowl" analogy. View your sitch like you are a third party looking at your marriage from the outside looking in. The change of perspective helps.
I really like this way of looking at it. It's similar to my "you have to get into a place where you can play it as a game" concept.
The mindset you will be alright no matter what happens. That's why I started telling myself, "I can handle it."
Another view on detaching that helped me was to use the "fishbowl" analogy. View your sitch like you are a third party looking at your marriage from the outside looking in. The change of perspective helps.
I can see how the mindset that I'll be alright no matter what happens would be beneficial. I tap my fingers on my heart too and tell myself "I can handle it". The financial problems it's gonna cause me are gonna be huge, not to mention the emotional and mental costs.
I don't understand how the 'fishbowl' analogy helps...could you explain?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
